Well Because...

I assume you're wanting a change in topic, someone I am sure has been praying for a change in topic because I have a change in topic.

You prayed for it and it happened - but next time maybe pray a little bigger or maybe for ME because it seems that the guy from eHarmony who was absolutely lovely, wonderful, and I could gush but was also a quad and it just wasn't quite right and then he was moving etc... you know the story. Well he emailed me tonight to tell me he's found an amazing woman and he wants to stay friends. But you know what I'm crazy happy for him and not just because I don't have to figure out that relationship with my shrink in the morning. Like I'm genuinely happy because NLLL it there needs to be far more love going around - good, happy, rich life affirming love and if someone else is getting it in a heavier dose then I am I say YAY, go for it. There is no NLLL reason (unless it is unethical) that I'm going to go bursting anyone's bubbles.

So there you have it - happiness! Yay and I might also be happy because completely random I found a journal publication completely devoted to Feminist Anabaptist Hermeneutic - and yes I did this in the library when I found it (quietly of course), I can follow some library rules, just not the ones about coffee.

with maybe a little of this because I would fan girl over him, I'm not going to lie

Somewhere In the Middle of the Drama

We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.

Like slow dancing.

I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).

 And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*

But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.

On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.

Not all Date Failures are Real Failures

I was joking with MW today on FB that our friendship is the result of a failed blind date we had in 2007.  More so we had no chemistry, maybe even subzero chemistry.  And maybe that was a good thing.  I was a girl with big wounds I was ignoring and if MW and I had even remotely close to the banter we sometimes get to these days I'd have imploded that relationship and possibly not addressed my real issues in the same process.

But now?

Well I recovered from the initial hurt of rejection, I did think he was funny and cute despite the chemistry issue, I was prepared to role with things.  Hey I was young, I had yet to understand how important chemistry is. And now? Now we're pretty good friends.  I could and would say that I love the guy, not in love with, but I think really really highly of him.  Yes we have continuous cheeky banter that goes back and forth that might make some of my girlfriends eye brows raise, but I will say none of that happened while I was with X (he's a gentleman like that even if he has no intentions) and I think we both know that we would probably die of laughter before actually doing anything remotely romantic if we met up again.  Honestly that is what I like, he's safe in all the good ways - makes me laugh, kind heart and a good listener.

So, I know what you're saying - sounds like most if not all the ingredients for a relationship.  Well he and I are different souls, he's a wanderer and I like roots (As Ms J, X and HSBFF will attest I do not travel well - I'm like a banana), he's a wilderness man and I love the city - I need noise, and not the noise of chickens kind of noise.  That being said, it has made me ponder today this:

As important as chemistry is, when is the need for companionship and procreation a stronger push.

I guess what I am trying to suss out is MW and X would make great dads and partners.  Both are by no means perfect for me, X is definitely more so, but regardless, is this the time to find the best partner and future father for my children and put aside the need for steam in the bedroom?

And I will add that as MW has pointed out there is a difference between passion and chemistry, or is there?

This does not necessarily relate but I love Annie Lennox and the Fray and together well it's perfect

Warm Fuzzies

My home city got its warm fuzzies on after a horrific week and I'm proud that we did.  But beyond that I don't really have anything to say because I don't want to dwell on either mob that has arisen, those rioters or the courts of social media who has now decided to start vicious acts on the rioters, their families and homes.  Justice is not found in acts of rage regardless of what incites that rage.  So on that note, lest I go all pacifist on everyone.

Behold:



So if you need to get some pent up riot frustration out today that hasn't been pancake breakfast, post note on police cars, plywood graffiti or hug a stranger out of you, then just go blow up a green pig with an angry bird.

More Music

I've been dwelling on the topics of long distances, jealousy, growing up and the explosion of marriage around these parts. 

Edit - I had a long blog post about CEF - but since I'm over him and heading for a long bath I'm not going to leave it up - I do not need to be projecting more negativity.

As to the video it was done apparently with a real light bright - check it out on YouTube for the full effect