All the Cheese in a World that Seems to be Coming Apart a Little

CW is on the other half of the world right now tending to a very emotionally taxing series of family emergencies and I'm here trying to figure out how to support Ms. J in her family health stuff, what the hell is going on with my medical job, my rejected student loan, life and a sermon I've been struggling to put into words. Oh how ironic.

I'm tired.

This long distance business is a lot harder than I remember it being - that could just be that X and I were only 3 hours apart and CW and I are 10 hours apart and there is all the emotional stuff, but maybe not...

I've come to realize this summer I need one damn job, not 4. I'm exhausted and I finally am starting to feel ready to really stand on my own feet and do some scary things. Well sort of. Preaching still scares me shitless but I feel that voice itching its way out of me like a butterfly but like a less cliche image...

This year is going to be tough, it's going to be hard and all the vulnerability, but in all the awesome crazy hard ways.

Friends and CW I'm so glad I have all of you.

A Little Distraction

I have a confession - I had declared that I would not make any purchases after the break-up because the last thing I needed was shopping guilt on top of my "I dated a total NLLL/NLLL/NLLL-bag (whichever term you'd like to pick) guilt."

But I did actually buy something - while I was scouring iTunes for "you're a NLLL-NLLL for ending the relationship but thanks you actually did me a favour" songs I saw that Kasey Musgraves album was on sale.

Today was the first day I listened to it and I think it's awesome

 

Primarily because I found myself in the sea of doubt and pessimism last night, realizing the days are counting down to my *cough* 32nd *cough* birthday and I feel in these moments that I have nothing to show for it. Yes this April could have (in theory) have been my 5th wedding anniversary (April 2009)... I could have kids, I could also be divorced and healing from the domestic abuse that would have been the flavour of that relationship... I find myself sitting on the fence where I was last year when I signed up for eHarmony, saying oh NLLL it, I'm throwing in the dating/marriage towel, after all it is easier if I do not have to consider man's opinion or dissent in the discernment process etc and I can just adopt since it seems impossible to find a man who would even consider co-parenting.... I know this is pessimism I shouldn't feel. After all I know I'm better off without LG/NB. But I guess I find it frustrating to have the years pass by with no rhyme or reason as to why I (and all my friends are single) and at the same time knowing that my uterus quite frankly has 2 to 3 good years tops and then I'm completely out of competition mode. It seems my male peers who are single want a wife who has years to decide about kids and frankly I don't have those years or the patience to put up with the NLLL that seems to still define the dating "game."

UGH.

Fatigue

I'm exhausted. I am trying to desperately cope with this situation and it has had so many good moments, great moments of friends but my body is not supporting this process. I still cannot sleep - I lay awake praying for peace and wake sick to my stomach about the situation. I am struggling to eat, tonight's dinner was supposed to be pasta but unfortunately that didn't stay down and was replaced with two pieces of toast, later two cookies milk and now some cheese puffs. Yep the dinner of running champions.

I have decided against contacting any of his friends to apologize for getting them involved to whatever degree they are - frankly I'm horrified by his behaviour but again it is his behaviour and I've been told that my reaching out to his friends as I did was not psycho ex-girlfriend behaviour. And beyond that, I don't have anything. Yes I've considered mis-filing his thesis in our library and all sorts of other things, but at the same time it is not fucking worth it.

It all isn't worth it. Life is worth it. Love is worth it. This drama, totally not.

I'm going to peace out for a while unless drama gets even weirder at which time CEF will be unseeded for the most broken, bat shit crazy addicted to being a victim ex I have had and that my beloveds is saying A LOT, but in all this I promise no long breaks again. I found this song as part of a hunt for a good I've been dumped music mix and this is one of the more accurate of the songs.

Oh DUDE, Seriously!

So I thought we had a sane-ish discussion about the state of the relationship - it even ended with a hug and at 8pm I received a text asking if I had stolen anything else from his place. 

WTF was my first reaction. 

My second was, WTF. Turns out this is all about the Jesus Feminist book I gave him to read with the intention I would read it but more to the point, he spent the relationship complaining about the fact I see myself as a feminist. So why the hell would you want it, right? Apparently he did and he thought that I would have taken other belongings, yet if you look around your place dude I left everything I didn't have to take - food, coffee, mug etc all got left. I don't need them, don't want them. The Narnia series he read to me was only awesome because he read them to me. Why would I want them know. And for the record we know I claimed it last Thursday - dude it's been 5 days.

And he's refusing to talk to me on the phone, has now blocked me on FB and you know what I am fine with that. I want peace, and in every relationship that has ended, except with my first ex who also happened to be a lawyer, I have found a way to be civil if not supportive. X and I are amazing in our friendship support but I have no expectations every man can be like that.  I would like us to be civil given that our lives will intersect and if I become a pastor in Vancouver, in any capacity I don't desire having a bitter ex-boyfriend possibly poisoning the waters given that as a woman there is already fertile ground for skepticism. 

I know I cannot make things civil but I can do my best to be gracious, to try and in the process of not stomping on my heart, being vulnerable and peace-making, he's just making it brutally hard in all the back and forth.

Last Day in the Saga Hopefully

I packed up the keys, a letter, the bracelet and some money and put it all in an envelope and ended up dropping it off on his desk (he wasn't there, convenient for him). And while having lunch and a drink with AE, I received this crazy text about taking friends and my issues with his church etc, so insane that I felt the compulsion despite the alcohol in my veins and the rage that was following it to deal with him in person.

AE accompanied me to have a long silent sit while he dealt with his phone with the customer service people and then we started "talking" over the on hold music as he was waiting. The conversation started off very tense, very rough. AE could shed more light on the whole process, but we basically unpacked the relationship and it was truly tragic to hear that we could have worked if the intimacy hadn't been there and it was just as hard to hear that he "cared" but that he couldn't have said he loved me (great to hold that with the previous discussions about if I had gotten pregnant - thankfully I didn't that would have been AWKWARD) and felt that my belief of love was too early to be real. Furthermore on the money issue that I should have said something instead of letting all the nagging about my inability to carry my own weight sink it in the hopes it would change in time when I was working. It was hard to realize that if we had hashed it all out earlier we could have been in a different place. But I know that different place isn't a place we can go.

In the end we did part in relatively decent tone, I noticed my picture still in his office, and yet I returned home to being de-friended and blocked on FB. I guess that's normal, I just find that kind of behaviour is a new level of petty. 

Oh well. 

Musical Moment

Truthfully I've struggled with music this entire relationship - I've just not been able to find the words in song that fit the relationship - but now, now I've totally got the whole gamut - that also though truthfully is because I totally have a preference toward the nature of break-up songs - they're either the I hate you or the why can't you love me and both work. And we'll run through my catalogue of all those songs but right now this whole post will be devoted to my spirit person or whatever you want to call her - Sara Bareilles and the whole range of her catalogue which has been representing the whole cycle of my grieving.

 

This song is the only reason I didn't "go postal" when I had to go through the lame process of claiming my toothbrush and my loaf of bread and resisted the urge to do everything from an extensive cathartic cleaning of his home or cleaning his toilet with his toothbrush or anything incredibly bitchy although I won't say I was entirely sane, I did reclaim the book I gifted him - Jesus Feminist and I noticed all my Valentine's gifts to him disappeared... and well a grand plus worth of new clothing etc but whatever, I took the book and left a half loaf of bread so he can deal with it - so one day he'll realize what I have to realize on a continual basis my life changed. Anyways - after I channel my rage I normally knee jerk to this song:

   

 It is also because her ep has these two songs back to back what the NLLL Sara? Then I go here because well there needs to be balance - after all I have moments where I know I was all in and truthful and then I pause like NLLL NLLL dude what kind of new life are you planning with those very fancy work clothes... FULL STOP,

   

 Vent through the song and move on...

 

 Because on day I will and that day might involve these feelings:

 

 And all this, the song I used to get me through picking up my stuff and the word I will tattoo on my body:

 

I may not always be brave but a brave woman relayed to me last night wisdom she received - I am being sanctified and damn it I will own the NLLL out of that sanctification and yes I'm aware that might have been a heretical sentence.