Not all Date Failures are Real Failures

I was joking with MW today on FB that our friendship is the result of a failed blind date we had in 2007.  More so we had no chemistry, maybe even subzero chemistry.  And maybe that was a good thing.  I was a girl with big wounds I was ignoring and if MW and I had even remotely close to the banter we sometimes get to these days I'd have imploded that relationship and possibly not addressed my real issues in the same process.

But now?

Well I recovered from the initial hurt of rejection, I did think he was funny and cute despite the chemistry issue, I was prepared to role with things.  Hey I was young, I had yet to understand how important chemistry is. And now? Now we're pretty good friends.  I could and would say that I love the guy, not in love with, but I think really really highly of him.  Yes we have continuous cheeky banter that goes back and forth that might make some of my girlfriends eye brows raise, but I will say none of that happened while I was with X (he's a gentleman like that even if he has no intentions) and I think we both know that we would probably die of laughter before actually doing anything remotely romantic if we met up again.  Honestly that is what I like, he's safe in all the good ways - makes me laugh, kind heart and a good listener.

So, I know what you're saying - sounds like most if not all the ingredients for a relationship.  Well he and I are different souls, he's a wanderer and I like roots (As Ms J, X and HSBFF will attest I do not travel well - I'm like a banana), he's a wilderness man and I love the city - I need noise, and not the noise of chickens kind of noise.  That being said, it has made me ponder today this:

As important as chemistry is, when is the need for companionship and procreation a stronger push.

I guess what I am trying to suss out is MW and X would make great dads and partners.  Both are by no means perfect for me, X is definitely more so, but regardless, is this the time to find the best partner and future father for my children and put aside the need for steam in the bedroom?

And I will add that as MW has pointed out there is a difference between passion and chemistry, or is there?

This does not necessarily relate but I love Annie Lennox and the Fray and together well it's perfect

OH EM GEE and other updates

I have been wanting to write for a while but I keep finding that well the library is not the safest place to vent, as I try and to post as privately as possible.  Yes I am aware that is counter-intuitive in the blog-o-sphere but it works for my life in a small graduate school and my future career options.

So given the range of topics I am going to try and bullet point this and group according to topic.

1. School
It's exhausting, it's expensive and in many respects I feel at times it is sucking the life out of me while it stretches me beyond myself.  So from that sentence you can see it is good and bad.  Part of the bad is my summer courses are not covered by government student loans (LONG STORY) and when I was on my original track to be finished by April that was a huge deal.  My dad generously offered to foot the bill.  A massively big deal.  But I've come to question my education choice and my ability with respect to those changes to keep going.  So I've decided to drop one of my courses and drum roll

Switch Degrees and life courses while we are at it.

I am switching to a long program, completely shelving the PhD and embracing the reality that absolutely crazy life while it does not define me has given me tools and experiences that I need to use.  It took 4 years of psychotherapy and a completely stupid meltdown about a paper on sexuality to get me here.  More so it took my beloved shrink to tell me I was being stupid and I could still do a PhD but I needed to maybe diversify my alternatives for me to realize I didn't want the PhD.  Well maybe some day but she saw before I did that the PhD like my MD dreams had come to define who I was and every struggle thus became monumental, an epic clusterf*ck of an existential crisis would arise in the pressure cooker that is my program.  So yes new program, longer schooling - but it does give me a little freedom to work, which I will start doing - at some point.

Not to say this new program is not going to be a crazy experience - currently I'm finishing a mental health class which involves all sorts of discussions about faith and mental health, primarily suicide.

2. Men

Lord have mercy, this really should be the last topic but alas it's here:
a) X and I had our semi regular Skype date during which time I always fall back in love with him and then spend the next day (today) trying to remind myself that if he felt the same way then things would be different and leave it be for now or always, you need to leave it be.  Love him for who he is - an amazing friend and accept it.

b) Belgian boy has gone MIA for reasons unknown to me and I'm okay with that - he's cute but now that I've changed programs it would make a relationship difficult.

c) When I started my mental health class two weeks ago, guess who was in the first row? This douche, yes him, and he's even worse in group social situations.  I just cannot abide his behaviour.  He's abrasive and "apologizes" by saying that's just who he is.  No actually sir you do not get to be a complete ass around me and think I am not going to verbally b*tch slap you one day.  That day?  Oh it is coming because this dear soul and I have 7 weeks of intensive Ancient Hebrew together, that is 7 weeks, 4 days a week for 5 hours a day.  Boy will be lucky if he walks away with just one smack down. There is so much more to it but I don't need to ice this cake, he's a piece of work and that's about where it stands. HSBFF thinks he likes me, I do not think so but if he does there is not enough grace in my being to even grant him a pitty date, and we all know I have granted those to some seriously socially questionable fellows in the past. (POSTSCRIPT: I did bug the hell out of him in a juvenile way that made me ridiculously happy and made him pout)

3. Age

I am ageing. Seriously so, and I have a big birthday coming up, not that I mind this next decade.  I think it's just the idea that I'm single with no spawn and into this decade where there is a little mind issue.  BUT that does not mean I am not going to have fun and embrace this journey.  On that note my amazing roommate bought me those AMAZING (Squeeeee!!!!) heels that she had to pry out of my hands as I silently wept back in February.  Sweet baby Jebus they are gorgeous.   But while she got me an amazing luxury gift I have actually been struggling for gifts that are important and practical that I will love.  Sure everyone knows I'm freakishly poor but gift cards while nice are not something where I am going to be able to say like the shoes X bought for Christmas, my X bought them for me, isn't that nice?

So here is what I need:

Clothes - we know that
Flats and sandals - realistically I need a pair of good black flats and two pairs of sandals, one silver and one brown or black - get me through summer.
Messenger Bag - my Lululemon one kicked it back in Winter and I did a sew job but she's looking beyond sad.
Purse - my black patent Lulu purse which has lasted almost 3 years (amazing) is starting to show wear on the bottom corners, which after every day use for 3 years is completely legitimate.
Make-up - Sephora is calling me and I will not answer because I can survive without - freaking expensive store
MacBook Pro - yes that's not on anyone's list of gifts but I do need a new wing girl as my baby is holding in but I fear her eminent demise.

I am not really a jewellery girl and while I love shiny things I'm not into splurging on them.  Yes books are great but given that I am definitely in my cup runneth over stage with those, additional reading is just not a good things for me. 

So there you have it, the update - but not without some new music:

Pushing the Limits

I'm fried these days and I find that my ability to cope with the being fried is limited.  I keep running up against the wall.  So I must confess I'm trying to actively either push through with no drama or rest.  But I'm finding the balance is still sketchy and working is not really helping the situation.  Though it is not hurting it either, two days of nanny-ing meant I could take my roommate to Coldplay for her 30th.  Extravagant for a graduate student scraping by, yes, BUT she lives with the clusterf*ck that is a graduate student, so between helping me with my laundry, my general issues resulting from brain malfunctions etc, she totally deserved it.   She also deserves the cake that I hope is not having a me like moment in the fridge at the moment.  All 7 layers of it better hold together and firm up or I might cry, given the strawberry Swiss Meringue butter cream was a disaster... so we opted for a chocolate cream cheese frosting which is divine, but well maybe a little soft for 7 thin layers of cake... eek.

Well that's enough of an update, I need my bed.

PS No word from BelgianBoy, he's on the shelf, good thing we didn't work hard at a name for him.

This changes things...

Belgian boy as we will call him for now until I figure out if he's going to get any time on this blog beyond this moment.  A group of about 12 of us had an amazingly fun and bitter-sweet send off for him Tuesday night.  It made me realize just how much I'm going to miss him, but also what an amazing community of people we have.  All of us in a library is somber, all of us in a room with a piano, a diggery doo, a beat boxer and a book of poetry by Banjo Paterson (Man from Snowy River) being rapped and gospel-ballad sung makes for tears from laughter.  Bottom line it made me realize how much more time I should be spending with these people rather than it being all about getting out of the program just because the program and I aren't in love at the moment.   Definite relationship about the school situation.

But relationship change between me and BelgianBoy?  I think I might of torpedoed anything accidentally.  I emailed him after the party, just to say thanks I had a great time and in the rush to leave, as I needed to get a ride to the train, I didn't get a mailing address from him.  I had wanted to be able to write occasionally and email is well not the kind of thing I like to correspond via these days.  I spend too much bloody time at a screen these days - I like paper.  Email you can't carry with you if you're having crummy times.  But given that was Tuesday night and it's mid day Thursday - the day he leaves potentially forever, and there is no email response. Interesting.  I'm just going to leave it.  I have too much else on my plate at the moment.   Namely recovering from a fun night with JS, and a friendly bet gone awry.   We'll talk soon y'all

More thoughts...

I've been catching up on my sleep and rest - going with the "screw consciousness"* approach to life, primarily because I cannot function.  I'm a hot mess - I know I'm a hot mess, coming off the sugar, caffeine, adrenaline, the existential crisis - all of it is a clusterf*ck that turns me into an even bigger one.

But back to Belgian Boy - I have been thinking back, trying to trace if I had or thought or even considered this before this past week.  And... I must confess I did.  For one brief moment in orientation - he caught my eye.  But at that time I was still dating X and I believe you can acknowledge someone's attractiveness but you leave it there when you've got someone.   But after that though we were in the same classes together and even a history tutorial together where yes he proved his thoughtfulness by baking cookies without eggs or gluten - a serious challenge.  The kicker in the what the hell am I feeling here moment?  The place we were all at, is a community house for some of the students, and one of the family's has kids.  Seeing a little three year old curled up in his lap had my uterus screaming so loud I am sure every person in the room could hear it.  I know I could.  Note to single men, genuinely being interested in small children is probably one of the top ways to indirectly turn a woman to mush.  But it is what it is - he'll make someone happy and I can take that victory.  The world needs good men and that is all I'm fighting for these days.

Though I must say, I find it incredibly amusing that I'm smacked upside the head by this, while trying to avoid a fellow classmate.  He and I have had all the same classes this past year, the same late night Tuesday class to be specific.  He's a sweet dear man, who is looking for a wife.  There is a distinction.  There is a distinction between wife and partner hunting.  Wife hunting comes across differently, it conveys to me a sense of looking for someone to make life less boring, but not necessarily considering who that person truly is.  That is not to say they're misogynists when they do so.  Absolutely not, I just do not like being hunted irrespective of who I am and where I am going in life.   And since I am up a sh*t creek without a paddle or even a boat these days when it comes to that, why would I get into a relationship where I don't get to figure that out.  But that's a bit of a detour.  He's sweet, and I'm getting all sorts of signals, the kinds that cannot be obscured in any way.  So I have taken to trying to avoid him, in an attempt to discretely give off the signal of not being interested, as I have not desire to pop a single 40 year old man's bubble...

*Supernatural - see I'm catching up on all sorts of tv and wondering if it's doing more or less damage to my brain

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/bahnwolle/7070950057/sizes/z/in/pool-52239892911@N01/

Blindsided

Maybe it was:

the obscene amount of caffeine and sugar I consumed this week
the hours in a library carrel
the Fray's new album I downloaded as a finals gift to myself
the Skype date with X that started the closure

but one day this week I met the eye of a classmate and something was in that look.  I have not been looking, quite frankly given I'm going to be out of school in a year the last thing I want to do is schlep my heart through a relationship that will inevitably end. But back to the blindside.  It actually I must confess started with a hug that he rightfully needed.  Last Thursday as most of us were preparing to hunker down and frantically pull through the next 8 days, he was reeling from a pretty scary break in a day prior at his home - his laptop gone, home vandalized and that sense of peace, that all of us value more than our stuff completely gone.  I offered, like other classmates to do whatever he needed - a place to stay, a family to eat dinner with, whatever he and his roommates needed to email me.  I hugged one of my good friends, M good-bye for the Easter weekend, turning to him to pat him on the arm or some distanced gesture - I'm a hugger but I don't normally hug men unless I know it won't be misconstrued. He had his arms open.  Of course he got the hug.   Maybe that was the thing that broke the ice, I don't know.  But this week, Wednesday, I ended up sitting in a three hour lecture with him, arm against arm.  There is something oddly charged about that kind of contact.  Not intentional and not intentionally intimate either, just the kind of contact that makes you realize how little you actually touch someone when you're single. Maybe it was that moment, or the moment he offered his coffee,  after he finished it though... I had made a comment about him being done.  It was every moment after that, there something in his eyes, a little longer glance... a little more of an attempt to be closer.

So last night, when we were given kitchen duty - the two of us in our friends tiny apartment kitchen as the rest of the group went on a grocery run, we talked and I found someone deeper and even more interesting.

BUT there are two catches to the story - isn't there always?

1. I am trying to figure out if flirting is a universal language - because if it is, there are a lot of signals going around and nothing happening or maybe just a lot from my side hitting too hard or off target altogether.

and

2. He's not Canadian - he's Belgian actually and that's the biggest catch, because he might not be back in September and he's flying out in 7 days.  So that's were this story sort of stops - sure I hugged him last night as we left for our buses in opposite directions.

So long story short - I may see him Tuesday night, he might be back and I'm stuck here wondering what the hell just hit me.

Little Update

One week left in the semester and at least 4 weeks of work I need to accomplish.  I'm taking a break from my attempt to plow down my writer's block with this song (oh the things you can find on YouTube when you're trying to find motivation).  So while I'm not interested in a Sugar Daddy or any long term relationship - life is too damn complicated, I can say that I do still want to maintain that dating/feisty spirit in the hopes that the day I do need to get back on that horse, it won't be a million miles off in some pasture never to return.

Trying to Get Back In the Game

A friend of Ms. J's who I've known for a while asked me out informally today - as in a let's go for drinks this week ask out.  I opted not to primarily because I don't know if I have the brain space to carry on a polite conversation as said gentleman, while sweet he is oil to my water or more so gas to my flame.  We argue - he might find it fun, but I find it a challenge to play nice.  While he teases me for being a pessimist, I don't take pride in crushing people's arguments etc.  Anyways I said yes for once school is done.  WHY??!!! Asked my roommate, well because he's the least threatening option.  I'm everything he doesn't want, and sure why the hell not take a round at this dating thing when nothing is at stake. At some point I need to find a way to consistently tell my heart the lie that it doesn't love X, and one day it will actually believe that.

Oh in case you're wondering I opted for no visit from X - I love him but I cannot see him.

He's Moving On?

X may be coming up to visit me in about a month or so for my birthday.  It's a big one *gag.*  It made me realize how much I miss him and conversely how much I don't think I can stand to see him.  Go figure.  He's being stoic or cold or another option - saying that it doesn't bother him, he's okay with everything and me?  I've gone to complete and utter mush - weeping, sobbing mush.  He is currently the one I would move, do whatever for.  I phrase it like that because I know that while he is and will likely in some way always be that person - life doesn't always work out that way.  I want him to be that person.  I want it to work, and yet I wonder, in these talks we have, few and far between with school if he's being able to heal his heart where I haven't.

It's like the repetition of the pain in September, even worse, I feel like cursing that woman out most days for letting him go.  It is my own damn fault, and yes while Ms. J and others say I made the right "grown-up" decision given all our circumstances, it is days like today I don't feel like I want to be a grown up.

Memories

I deleted my Myspace account last week.  I cannot explain why but I felt like the time had come for me to separate myself from it - from it and all the memories it brought for me.  It is weird, it is not like I wanted to relive those years - the skinnier years, the more dysfunctional years really any of it.  I had left it thinking that at some point I would want to go back and look at it and I realized as hard as moving forward is and as painful as it can be, the more I can cut the ties with the past the freer I can be in moving forward.

So that's about all that's been going on with me - I've been sick for the past week and now I'm trying to write a paper on sexuality - so it's fun times around these parts.  Oh and I applied for a TAship and I'm trying apply for financial aid.  However, being sick pretty much wiped me out, so now it's Sunday night and I'm trying to do a week's worth of stuff... I'm sure Monday will be fabulous.

Happy Valetines Day!

I may not have a specific special Valentine, BUT I feel it's really important to let you know wherever you are, however you're feeling - YOU ARE LOVED and YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.  Seriously, for reals, I am not joking.  If you're not hitched to someone today it doesn't mean that you cannot give yourself a good dose of compassion, kindness and healthy self care.   And if that doesn't help just remember you're better off than I am - typing this from the graduate school library with a 12 hour  day of classes ahead of me.

On two different note - I did a posting on running and dating and some words of wisdom that I listened to on my commute in this morning.

Non-Date Date?

I had a run scheduled with BWSMU today at 3pm, no big deal right?  Well my stomach sure thought it was a big deal - I have not had butterflies like that in a while. My head and heart just felt conflicted and maybe even convicted.  I've found myself smiling at his texts, and yes sure he's cute but he's well, he's not X.  Fair enough, he doesn't need to be and nor do I want him to be. 

The issue I had was if this is a date, then it's a date and I need to be okay with that and prepared to deal with that, and if it's not which I believe it wasn't then what the hell is my stomach doing?  Am I missing something?  In the end it was as non-date as possible - BWSMU and I didn't hug, we don't even though he does with other female students.  I almost feel like we passed the point a few months ago where we could have instated the hugging and or not.  Now that we've passed that point, it kind of means something now.  Not to mention we were both wet and sweaty - not really the time to hug someone.   So there you have it a pseudo pseudo date and I don't know why I'm confused but I am. 

I found me in shoe form

Seriously you do not understand how much I want these shoes - the only thing that dissuaded me was knowing that in wearing them I would have to explain why I spent two weeks grocery money on shoes.  That decision would make sense to me but I don't know if it would make sense to anyone else... BUT I LOVE THEM!!

Reading Break!

BWSMU it is!  And he's gone MIA again... I really have to say that mixed signals are my biggest frustration, especially with the younger boys...

Two pieces of business - I'm researching PhD programs and it looks like the UK is where it is at for me, primarily because it means that I do not have to take the GRE and/or spend my winters and summers in sub-human temperatures.  The prospect of that kind of move scares me but I know it's good - fear can be a healthy thing, and it also puts the entire Atlantic between me and CEF which is amazing.

Also I love this song - it reminds me of X every time I hear it even those it doesn't at all resemble our relationship - I don't think we ever danced together either - well maybe in another life time.

Drunk-ish Blogging is...

Way safer than drunk-ish snogging - though arguably less enjoyable. Way less enjoyable...

Though that being said - I had an amazing dinner with Just Sayin' who if you haven't figured out yet is one hell of a woman and friend.

But back to the snogging since well I am sure you're wondering why on Earth I'm blogging instead of making poor judgements right now. Well I could be making poor judgements right about now - see there is this party happening right now, this very moment - on the other side of town - hosted by a few graduate school friends, one of whom I am positive likes me. I've never been sure - to be honest I think I also don't want to be sure - I'm happy living in naive land with him. But if I add up all the little parts him and I are most definitely dancing around the issue either of our own invention or via perceptions. As Ms Raitt suggests you give them something to talk about - I think this boy and I have done that unbeknownst to us - so much so that I was given a little indirect talk by one of his female roommates (he lives in a co-ed community house) - the "you know he's a really great guy talk." And I am damn well old enough to know why that talk gets pulled out. So here I am with a man on the other side of the country I love to bits who well I am trying to get my brain around the fact that he will likely never pop the question, and this boy who well I feel in some respects is still a boy... So why not? Why no poor judgement? Well there are about 50 people in my program, and this guy in question is in almost all my classes and one of my tutorials... so I would have to face him a lot.

Do I give him the incentive he needs to ask me out or do I try and quell it all now, or leave it. I know it's the wine talking but well I still am considering in appropriate things so much so that it is a blessing it is a 45 minute bus ride to his place from mine.

Night y'all - hopefully someone else is misbehaving for me.

Oooo I just about forgot he needs a name - so you can vote

Boy Who Stood Me Up - yes he is the same one

OR

Graduate School Classmate