Living on the Other Side of the Line

For all intensive purposes I am currently living below the poverty line.  I knew I would be when I started graduate school.  I knew that things would be tight, at times very tight.  I did not expect that they would be this tight.  I had to contact my church this week to ask for help - after almost two months of wrestling with the idea, knowing that despite how ridiculously tight things are right now, that there are always those who need more than I do.  I have a home right?  I have heat (well sort of - my landlord is stingy in that regard), I have some resemblance of health and more importantly I'm the only mouth to feed. Well in asking for help I'm realizing how socially shameful it is to be on this side of the line - regardless of how you get here. There are strings, lots of strings, and questions and judgements.  All I conceptually understand are well meaning, but they hurt.  They hurt a lot. They imply - they imply that I should have known better.

I guess this is also me venting at God too - I know I try to keep my faith out of this blog - but I guess in all this hurt, is the question of where is the provision? And if this is the provision why does it hurt, why does it come with shame and guilt attached to it?  Isn't that counter to everything that is who you are?  Funny somewhere in this I know there is an answer - just feels beyond reach at the moment.

This is not a hand out moment but may be a moment to remember that when you judge a person on the other side of that poverty line - the world on this side is full of enough hardship without that and for better or worse I now know that first hand.

A Little Honesty Time

I am a believer that if you put your fears out in the open that their power over you diminishes.

So folks here it goes:

I am scared shitless about the GRE/GRE Lit exam and graduate school and all that business.  Why?  Well a few years ago I wrote the MCAT which if we are being really honest I did not study well for - though for anyone who's taken it in it's original form I wonder if you could really ever study enough - needless to say I could have and should have studied harder. C'est la vie, and so is this.  I have been studying and reading and reading some more and working on this Shakespeare class - and as much as it all makes me tick and yadda yadda - as much as I can say it's not the MCAT saga, it's scary.  It's beyond scary.

Yep so there is the fear I have been laying out in an attempt to deflate it...

In moments like this I listen to this lovely song - this lady's word has carried me through many moments - this happens to be one of them