I Need...

I am not sure what I need. I waffle between wanting to consume an entire carton of ice cream or a box of Cartems doughnuts to wanting to finish off a few gin and ginger ales or crawl into a hole.

I am in the middle of a holy or un-holy storm of the FEELS

This week I called my mom because she texted me like a month ago and well we know how stellar our relationship is... so I finally called and arranged for CW, her and I to go for dinner but instead of letting our light conversation end on that note, I gave her a heads up about this PTSD and yoga project I'm helping with and well that didn't go very well and it devolved and derailed into her insisting that she didn't want to share the balcony with my father when I preached and well that's not all of it but enough of that for now...

So Thursday night I attended the filming (photographs and interview included) for the upcoming article and was actually overcome with all the awesome of being supported by this community of people I don't know but care about the work Nicole does with and for people like me but also struck with the ugh vulnerability why are you so well vulnerable feelings. These feelings were complicated by the arrival for the first time in months of an actual(ish) period - like HORMONES and the exhaustion and all that NLLL. And CW, bless his heart, came over after work and sat with me in all my NLLL as I tried to untangle the emotional extremes I constantly feel that I work to hold in tension - the good with the ugh that is NLLL.

So I figured things were somewhat stable until last night when a nice dinner together derailed when I felt that my mom was critiquing my motives for the article as selfish and not the will of God. Frankly those are fighting words. She's amazing at wedging God into my decisions with violent precision. She doesn't like it then clearly I haven't discerned enough. Oh the words I have for that, they are such that I am sure my feelings today are alone driving Jesus to drink.  Despite my strong desire to never get into a conflict with her because her crying just actually makes me angry - hello dysfunction - but I did finally try to explain to her that it isn't about selfishness, none of this a yay world look at me moment, but rather is a I went through and I still go through NLLL-ing NLLL and I don't want that life, I want to be healthier, as healthy as I can be decision and more so I want that for even just one more person....

So she left in tears and I feel NLLL. I feel all sorts of gross. I hurt.

And yet in this I cannot believe how awesome CW, R and Ms J have been in their support. I know that stuff needs to change and stuff is changing but ugh the feelings scare me, the last time I felt like this was 2008 and I don't know if I'm ready to venture into a storm like that year brought and yet as you all know I'm the kind of person who is at this very moment searching for some water appropriate fabrics and it about to plug my nose and jump in, let's get the NLLL underway, I've got stuff to do.

I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky

Okay so here is where things are at...

Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.

On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.

But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.

So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.

Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.

Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.

Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.

We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank.  I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.

Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.

CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.

So there you have it... a little throw back

The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

Another One Bites the Dust

OM got married this weekend.  I'm not going to dwell on my feelings of creepiness at the whole affair and rather just say I'm thankful I didn't once again lose my head and that have been me and more likely, have been invited to the wedding.  I think it's only appropriate that all women who might have dated the groom, or even been awkwardly hugged by him in his unfortunate mom jeans should not be invited to his nuptials.

I cannot say I wasn't a little stung at being still single - don't we all want to get down the isle before someone who snubbed us - especially when there was no damn good reason to be snubbed other than well... I digress, no discussion of creepiness.

I have found myself trying to accept the men around me as fine if they are messy.  I know that sounds weird and let it not be construed as I am caving in desperation.  There is no caving and there is no desperation.  I am just realizing though some may definitely be certifiable, that I need to just deal with their presence in my classes or social circles.  Now that being said, let no single man get any ideas that I have any more pity dates to hand out - BV used my life long allotment.  And really even if for some reason I wanted to do say get out for a evening I would much much rather a night with JS or Ms. J or hell any other woman in my life right now - plus it's almost hockey season - I get all the men I want that way - at a distance, hot and sweaty, playing my favorite sport!

Now for an unrelated song recommendation from X - all about my FAVORITE thing in this world:

Times Are A Changin'

Well I have decided that I have had enough of being worried about the return of CEF into my personal or interweb space. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going change the format, but I am going to simplify my blogging (I have two non-linked blogs apart from this one) and make some personal and somewhat public changes.

Change 1: As noted above - I'm going to merge my Gluten Free sometimes Dairy/Soy Free food blog with my Running Blog - and once that is done, that will be linked here at S&P central command.

Change 2: I'm chopping off a large chunk of my hair (read: several inches) and dyeing it blond.  Why?  Well one - because I can, and two because I am ready even for a few months to say good bye to my most public statement of change.  I dyed my hair and chopped off my "wedding" growth and more when CEF was booted from my life.  So this change is to say in the most metaphoric way possible - I have found light in my life - in peace and joy.  In the beautiful friends like Ms J who have found ways to hold tight to someone who was so very often coming unglued.

Change 3: As noted, I like to run.  I will say that even today as my ability to tackle stairs, chairs, ramps, curbs and even toilets is seriously limited - I truthfully love to run.  Why?  Because running is my body's reminder to me that you can do it.  Even when you don't think you can, even when it all seems to come unhinged, one foot in front of the other.  When I stopped running away from the pain in my life and towards it with the help of amazing people - it was no longer terrifying.  It hurt, just like the 26.2 miles I did on Sunday hurt like hell.  My body didn't want to do, it really really didn't want to do it, but it did.  SO, on that note I have decided when I run my next marathon to do it for a Rape/Sexual Assault NGO.  I know you can run for Cancer, you can run for Water, you can run for Clean Water - all are great things to run for, but for me, I wanted to be able to move to the place in my life where I can own my survivor-ship.  Where I can say publicly: I know the statistics, I know I am not alone and I know that it shouldn't be a secret - the shame has to end and that starts within me.

Change 4: Even though I'm not single as of a few days ago (long story that I've promised will not become blog material). But that does not mean the fun is going to stop around here - oh no no no - the dating world continues on - and no that also does not mean that I'm not devoted to X - I just know there is enough crazy sh*t going on in this world of non-married folk, whether they be single or not to not comment on it. And so I will.