The Mission Has Started... (with UPDATE)

So I took the plunge and decided to amp up my seduction/friendship game with CG (co-worker guy, yes I've totally lost my naming mo-jo), I offered him jam, via email because well I didn't see him today and loitering around to see if he would come in is not my idea of being subtle. It wasn't a handwritten note and a book *wink* and I did give jam to another non-male coworker. But yes, I am ensuring that as a woman I'm on his radar.

Because details...

"I made quite a bit of strawberry jam (varieties incl. strawberry rhubarb, strawberry, and strawberry vanilla) this weekend and I know you've expressed a little disappointment that you miss out on all the sweet treats brought into the office, would you like a jar (small or large)?

Happy writing - you'll get it finished."

Response: 

"You're very, very sweet :)
I'd like a big jar if I can? 
I love strawberry jam on hot toast... 

Thank you for thinking of me," 

Don't worry I'll keep you updated. Hopefully things won't end up like things do on Grey's Anatomy, except maybe for this, just you know not anytime in the next few months.

Sooo.... this morning in an attempt to be covert I brought in scones and jam for everyone, AND a large jar for CG. When CG came in I stopped him, I said hi, oh and I have your jam, and then.... and then I regressed to the emotional composure of a 12 year old and I couldn't look him in the eye. OH LORD the blushing. I ran into him in the lunch room, which seriously I'm beginning to wonder is just a convenient place to catch me to talk, and no I am in no way complaining folk, NOT AT ALL. We talked a little about the book I'm reading - on death, he wants to read it and I've offered it to him. Let me tell you my books on death are worthy of lending to a select few, like AE. I'm not inclined to just hand over a book that I've been making notes in already... I'm in trouble.

Even more challenging I am continually being cornered by other staff about what job I might want when I graduate. In theory this is great, I might have employment or connections when I graduate but I'm discerning the foot in front of me, looking beyond, like that far beyond is adding anxiety I don't want. At this point I haven't found an eloquent way of saying that they're "stressing me out."

 

Curses

Because damn it, I shouldn't but I do...



Because this will be me and Ms. J actually that almost was me being Christina - instead of my regular Meredith role, though I have to say I agree with her about tequilla - vodka is more my poison...

File This Under

Things I wish I could say to someone, things I would never want to say and all the stuff in between... you can pick out those phrases. And just in case you were wondering I heart Owen and Christina - the whole savior complex I've got going on - and and and I might have put an I Saw You in the local paper - AB thinks they're creepy and I do sort of, but in my defense it was an thank you to the incredibly nice, and possibly very handsome guy who as he ran past me on a local bridge cheered me on to catch up. Oh honey I would have if I could.

I Will Think Up a Catchy Title Later...

So when I sat down at my desk a while ago, I thought I would blog about the events on my train ride into work, but now, after sniffling back tears watching the end of Grey's from Ms. J's blog about grief, love and life - I feel like well like I wish there was so much I wish I could blog in this moment, but I am conscious that such an act of transparency might betray me... but alas.

I've been sitting on the edge of grief and all sorts of other crazy emotions this last month. Grief at the lost of something that maybe never was available, the fight over how to hold onto whatever there is there to hold on to, if I can, if I should, and the fight to loose my heart, my head, my whatever and everything from AB. And yet, he was my first, not that kind, he was the first kiss that weakened my knees, still sets my heart off it's rhythm, his hands let me know that through all the really ugly nights, the painful days, the screaming, kicking and all that, all the years of nightmares that being touched by someone can feel like something you wish you could package and carry around with you forever, like life. So I grieve that this is all that that will be.

And I am still tormented, my perpetual dating has shifted from those who are hesitant for various reasons, to the overly excited, and now I'm for worse clinging tighter to the memory of AB. BB while sweet, has turned me off, he shot himself in the foot already - for the love of Peter, Paul and Manolo's WHY?!!! Sure I like gestures, like being flattered - hell I am a lady/girl the last time I checked - but gestures like delivering a coffee to my office, a small bouquet of pink peonies, roses or lilies, a home cooked meal, a cuddle - you know those. But all those gestures come from someone who knows me, knows more of me than what I look like on Saturday morning in my running skirt...

So let's say this - while I did have a better night sleep last night, things are rough on this front, I may just give in and by a pair of these...in the interim this is on repeat today