Somewhere In the Middle of the Drama

We found our way back to each other, friend style, goodness neither of us has found a way to turn time back or turn it inside out or mash together time zones or anything like that... X and I are just friends, and just the kind of friend I needed after all the CEF drama. We processed through stuff, our individual and mutual stuff and came out the other side bittersweetly thinking of all the stuff we missed out on.

Like slow dancing.

I never would have thought about - maybe X is right, we were just too rushed, maybe that is why we just couldn't keep going, why I felt fatigued, not in my love for him but in the energy to keep pushing at the boundaries. Or maybe because I am just horrified by my major lack of dancing skills, I am positive I would destroy his toes even slow dancing. The end of our relationship has been gnawing at me for the last two going on three years. I spend the majority of my time, when considering dating, relationships and marriage wondering what the NLLL I really did all those years ago. I know I cannot have it any way but the way it is, that's the way it has unfolded but that being said I do not know why I still love him like I do. HSBFF sharply asked after hearing about the long conversation, am I IN LOVE with X or do I just love him, because there is a difference. Most days I know where I stand, some days that line disappears for moments or hours and I forget, I forget I made a choice I cannot undo, and I wonder what I things could have been different would they have been different enough for us to not be out looking for other but rather together? I don't know that. I do know he's lovely, he's amazing and he is someone I would give my life to in a heartbeat and yet even as I write, somewhere in me there is a question. Not a question of whether that would be a good decision but something else (again that decision isn't on the table or beside it or even under the table).

 And so I think it really is this, all this and I'm going to leave it at that - so in a world where X and I would have one last slow dance, this would be it *tear*

But don't panic, I'll pull through this, don't you worry your dear hearts. I'll find that line again and get myself rooted on the right side.

On a different but related note - your favourite or ideal slow dance song.

Re-Start

I find it hard these days to stay motivated.  It isn't that my brain isn't motivated, let's be clear, this isn't a mental health issue, per say, that is to say I know what depression looks like for me, been there been medicated for that... I get exhausted. Plain exhausted.  The kind that shuts down your ability to cope, function or rationalize.  I call it being stupid-tired, the MCAT did it to me and now work/school post the last two years worth of stress on my body does it to me and I melt.  I have meltdowns.  Last night was a meltdown until I had the loving of a spastic-ally joy filled little girl named Miss Gertie (Ms. J is her human-momma), you can't have a meltdown when trying to fend of a Miss Gertie hug and tongue kiss (thanks G one more reason no boys are going to want to kiss me now, though on that note good Lord I don't know if many boys have clean mouths these days anyways...).  Ms. J fixed me up as best she could, but in the end I still have to come home and shut off the brain that is trying to work in a body that doesn't.

Today was suppose to start my holidays but rather I was up at 6am to call another time zone to get logged into our payroll software so that I wouldn't have to go to work (an hour away) to do the same thing - got that sorted out, went back to bed, only to have at call at 8:30am informing me of another hospital f*ck up and BLERG!! as Ms. J would say.  So anyways, I'm playing relay the b*tch-ness with my staff who know that this is all BLERG-ness.  So there went my sleep in/attempt to recharge... so anyways that is not the point, holiday starts now... recuperation starts now... sort of, actually I need to make a giant quote map on my floor (don't worry pictures will appear of the beauty).

A question at the moment... a big freaking question, one that will test my ability to figure life out... Ms. J and I were talking about my revelation on Sunday.  See here is the deal - a revelation about me for y'all (I can trust you).

There is a seminary school located in the city I live/work in - they offer an Interdisciplinary program which is amazing and I will end up with an Masters degree in the end - it's small classes and it's not a semester (plus) of literally paying to get another Bachelor's degree - which in theory I might be able to transfer credits back to my Bachelor's degree for...  From there I can apply in December for graduate school in the US, or just keep going for another year and graduate.  Um can y'all see I'm already ready to jump ship?  So debt is a huge deal, this school is much more expensive (of course)... anyways. Pray if you pray and I'm going to apparently have to do some typing today and tomorrow and hope I get some answers... Wow the world is changing.