I know I'm weird

I don't think X knows how weird I can be, but I'm okay with that - I honestly don't think that I need to let him in on every inside joke or more so subject him to everything I share with my girlfriends.  Ms J and I love to use 80's colloquialisms - it's our thing.  T and I have known each other through more shit than I think any man could or would need to understand.  That is okay - I know there are moments where I want to say stupid things to X and then realize it would require way to much contextualizing so I say as I would to anyone other than Ms. J.  It's actually kind of nice to share something special with all the people that are unique and special in my life...

So on that note, I'm going to let you in on a little secret *clears throat* I like to look at home decor and mentally plan my home.  I know this isn't actually weird.  Maybe it is completely normal, but I've pretty much got the whole thing clear as day in my mind.  Problem is I'm a vintage loving girl with expensive taste.  Yep, oh honey if only you knew how amazingly talented I am at finding normally the most expensive item in a room.  Now that being said I don't buy those things - I'm not senile.

So I just look at sites like this:

Where they sell things like this for crazy expensive prices and why would I pay $54 for 6?  Because they're PINK! You think I'm joking don't you?  Oh if you only knew...

Rough Spot

I get scared easy - I hear that relationships have rough patches and that you need to move through them, I understand that, I understand it to my core - and yet I feel like I'm staring down the crazy anxious woman I was in 2008 and I am starting to become incredibly scared.

I miss X.  I feel like I'm coming unhinged, I miss him that much and yet I feel like we're emotionally as far apart as we are physically.  I honestly don't know couples did long distance in a world of letters and slow transportation.  All I hear is that I need to let him go, let him do what he needs to do at school/life and if it's meant to be that we'll find ourselves in the better time and space.  I understand that conceptually - I do not however understand that emotionally.  I've become a crying fool at my desk because like the true Gemini I am my heart and my head have decided that WW3 needs to be fought here and now and I'm too damn tired to stop either party.

I am away ya'll...

I am off with my honey bunny, X, (yes dear I called you that in a public semi-permanent format - deal with it) to see him graduate (CONGRATULATIONS! *muah*) and hang out with his family and peeps.  Also important to note, one whole week away from work, though I will have my crackberry...

Tootles!

Our Song?

Taylor Swift informed me that relationships need songs.  Interesting?  Well first of all I like Taylor Swift so sue me - I do nasty accounting and I like to listen to something as fluffy as humanly possible but not quite Disney, and maybe I just like that she writes nasty tell all songs about all her exes.  It's like we are soul mates!   I write blogs and she writes songs, only difference is there is a few million in revenue that she gets - fair enough it is a little more difficult than what I do around here.

I have no problem finding break up songs, some days it feels like I have more of those than Charlie Sheen has had one morning/day/evening/evening stands. And of course because I say that, y'all are going to think X and I are rocky.  We are not.  I think the reason for the dearth in break up songs is just because they're so damn easy to write.  Love songs are more complicated.  The process of saying I love you seems to be so much more drawn out and complicated than saying "I hate you," "I need to find myself," "NLLL off you cheating NLLL" and so on and so forth.

So here is my lovely collection from the past

This song belongs to a man who rarely if ever has found himself on this blog - maybe because I got out all my rage when I burned his stuff - let's just say poor BI had to help kick me into exorcising him.



Oddly this song I think collided with my dissolution with My Mr. Big - yes it's Avril, but when the Music video channel has to fill their content with X amount of crappy but national content, you get to hear these kids of jems over and over and over.



In the months post CEF I realized that while I didn't have a post breakup song, nor did really want to - I just wanted to forget it all. However, I did find this song so relevant as time went on and he still wouldn't go away that there were times I was incredibly tempted to quote it in its entirety



Well we've dealt with AB before and honestly if I have to hear another Lady Antebellum song from that time in my life I might do something very non-ladylike.

Sure John Mayer has lots of break up songs - but I have to say these are the ones that come to mind.  So here we are at the end of a post about break up songs and I'm at a loss for a LOVE song about X. 

Any I love you songs in your repertoires?

This song was on the radio this morning, it's a little dramatic and I sure as heck do not want to be anywhere near a cabin, I am a city girl through and through.

I'm A Lit Geek

I get it.  I think most people who spend an extended conversation with me get it, really quickly, for some.  I have opinions - some of which hurt the hearts of the ones I love - poor X (I didn't like the book he bought for me as a gift and yes I could have lied but BSing my boyfriend to the extent I would have needed to is even more cold and damaging to me)... onwards.  At dinner last night Ms J's man asked what I am going to graduate school for beyond seminary... and then the thesis comes out along with discussions on everything else literature related.

In all this graduate school talk there is always the question, so what are you going to do with THAT.  Yes a MA is still a THAT degree.  Well dears, I do not hope to teach high school students. I would like to teach college students who understand the glorious importance of Beowulf and well the whole canon and how it shaped all the layers of development and experimentation.  But here is the issue I am realizing, those students don't exist.  They used to, but they don't now.  The education system is more or less abysmal, so high school teaching here I might be coming in an attempt to give our university professors something to work with.
Here is the reason for this change of mind:

http://shitmystudentswrite.tumblr.com/

http://croserun.tumblr.com/post/4417060448/okay-i-see-this-impression-from-my-students (felt I needed to add this too)

I will say do not drink coffee and read this, please for the sake of your gorgeous laptop.

Medical Update

I try to keep my medical updates to a minimum as not to depress me or you - but yesterday was another medical day.  I got to have my eyes dilated and have my freckle examined.  Yes my fair and freckley skin means that I have a freckle in my eye too.  Now I learned yesterday, courtesy of the nice retinal surgeon that my freckle is likely always going to be benign.  If it was a mole we'd have a problem I should be concerned about.  However, that being said I need to have it routinely examined to ensure it doesn't become malignant.  I am not worried about the potential of cancer as much as I find it funny.  Don't get me wrong cancer isn't funny, however for my body, to have it be a spot in my eye that has the potential to be it just seems to fit to my weirdness.

So yep I could end up with a melanoma in my eye and I don't know what that would mean - but I do know it's the future, and like all things in the future - I don't need to dwell on them.

PS Wondering where the freckle is?  It's that dark pigmented area in the middle

Photo: http://www.matossianeye.com/site/blog/detail/2010/09/02/a-freckle-in-your-eye.html

Music!

I was in Starbucks yesterday flirting for my free drink and I heard this come on - I'd heard it before but it took me until the chorus to remember it and then well it was stuck in my brain.

Life is a little upside down at the moment and I definitely get anxious when that happens - the internal fight to right all that is happening gets incredibly strong which just snowballs everything.  I've been getting busier with friends - and I do like that but I find it can be emotionally a little chaotic. Add to that my roommate has gone tree planting for at least a month and now I have an empty home again... and the GRE, stupid books keep taunting me and so on and so forth and I feel like I'm drowning a little at the moment.  All I want is X to turn the world right but that's not going to happen any time before the 20th and even that trip is making me anxious.... gah  *DEEP BREATH* So while I find a paper bag to breath into, check out this song

Carrying Along

I am slowly recovering from my silly cold and now just dripping ever so slowly but still enough to have a Rudolph esque nose... as such I felt it was time to share something less educational and more fun.  I completely and unabashedly love the Big Bang Theory.



http://youtu.be/boIzNJnvpPw

http://youtu.be/sqzIeS239jw

http://youtu.be/ffQSDMjQrkM

I Feel Like This is a TED obsessed blog

FOOD!

I love food.  I love cooking food.  I love teaching others the beauty of food and its simplistic beauty, of wonder of fresh and local food.  Because of those loves, I have a special place in my heart of Jamie Oliver.

Advice to a Younger Me

I mentioned a few blogs back that I have things I would like to say as the new town whore of the FB group I am questioning myself for being a part of.

My first piece of advice - Date.  Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage.  I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE.  There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you.  Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent. 

Actually it's incredibly practical.

1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk.  You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....

2.  It teaches you want is important to you.  I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that.  But you know what? I REALLY love books.  BV didn't like to read.  I found that out and the conversations started to fumble.  They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job.  You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough.  I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God.  You know what?  It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on.  And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.

3. It teaches you that you are worthy.  In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this.  Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords.  You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.

4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry.  You might be BFF's.  But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF.  Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter.  Seriously.  If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.

Rough Weekend

I came home on Thursday night fried.  I meltdown in those moments.  I know it, I can see these moments coming from a mile away.  So I spent Friday on my back watching Spooks.  I was not going to see people if I didn't absolutely have to.  Of course family dinner was on Friday night - and I did okay.

This weekend as a whole has been sort of heart breaking too.  I miss X.  There was a time in my life when distance in a relationship - the spacial difference wouldn't have hurt.  But now it does.  We're really busy people and we carve out time for each other the best we can.  I don't feel neglected.  That is not the feeling I have but rather a sense of jealousy that others can roll over and see their love's face in the morning.  Or go for dinner with them, a walk, a talk in person and so on and so forth.  The feeling comes and goes.  Right now I think it smacked me upside the head as Ms. J has a suitor now.  He seems great, but a part of me sees what we don't have in seeing their relationship unfold.  Would I change things?  If I could sure - but the only thing that we could change right now is not on the table.  I don't have any desire to walk away from this even when it is the pits in these moments.  I know some would say I'm stupid.  That there is a world of men who live in this city who would be perfect.  They might possibly be correct. HOWEVER, I believe that at some point you make a choice.  You stop looking.  Yes we could all spend our lives endlessly searching because we want every little piece to be absolutely perfect.  But that isn't the way life or relationships work.  Rather you have two dynamic, evolving, changing and failing people who are dedicated to each other - to grow together and work out and through the process of life... I am rambling. The point is - I miss X but I know that it's worth it - the miles and miles.

Sorry Long Time, No Blog

But I am here now to do some kind of simplified epic update of sorts:

1. Went shopping last weekend with Just Sayin' - awesome woman, funny, gracious and witty - you should check out her blog. We weren't successful shopping though - and this is where I will say, if you ever are having a meh day shopping, try it again.  Case in point - I was trying on some dresses and in the end I was in like with them, but not love and the prices while reasonable, weren't eye catching.  The same with some shoes I saw... and so on and so forth.   However,

2. Went shopping with A (new roommate) and we did extremely well at the B and JF.  At JF I purchased a black trench, 2 cardigans and a dress for X's graduation or his niece's christening all for 100 with tax.  At the B, I purchased a pair of Nine West heels and a pair of Ralph Lauren dress stilettos for 180 with tax - saving $90 due to sales.   Before I have X or Ms. J down my throat - the Nine West are black peep toe pumps, useful for EVERYTHING and the dress stilettos?  They go with my NYC dress!! The darn well annoying to find shoes for Grecian purple/cornflower blue dress bought in Greenwich Village. 

3.  Started studying for the GRE again, this time I need to find the desire to just do it. I will let you know if that desire is at the bottom of my Americano

4. Started contact lenses.  I have access to free contacts with my job, and figured it is high time I get used to them so I am not doing the glasses/sunglasses thing all summer - seemingly having one on top of my head and the other on my face at all times...

5.  My soon to be ex-neighbour has apparently found herself a girlfriend after the last 4 years of really minor dating.  Fabulous right? Well see the thing is, they like to shag really loudly every Saturday morning.  And to the men who think it's a turn on, it's actually frightfully embarrassing to hear it with the clarity as if I was standing next to their bed. I have found that I need to either stay in bed until about 10:30/11 or go for a run and then return to my room with noise.

6. I have become the town whore in a FB group that a mentee of mine set up.  She's young, naive and green as they get - all the things I was at her age (well less so but close enough) and she's asking very personal though important questions of those women older than her.  The problem is these are the kind of women who believe feminism is evil, birth control - of any form is abortive (Lord have mercy on my soul for the anger that statement causes to swell),  and that courting not dating is the way to go and that dating in general is wrong.  I could honestly write a whole blog in and of itself on all the craziness that is their beliefs and how they have NOTHING to do with my faith or anything.  However, I've come to realize that they're what seasoned users of social networking call trolls.  And you don't feed the trolls.  So I might just feed you all my answers as to why I think birth control is a good thing, or why I think we should date and no date does not equal screw the entire human race, contrary to some people's opinions *le sigh* I am cutting myself off, you get the point

7.  Oddly I know there is lots more but that's about it for now

Today's Song

Life Changing

This talk has seriously challenged me - I hope you get a fraction of what I got from it

Fashion Advice

I am looking for a little advice from you wonderful people.  I have X's graduation and a wedding this summer along with other events.  I have learned in my few years of adulthood that there is always a need for a good (solid) dress.  What I mean by that is not a cocktail dress (though they are extremely important) and not a cotton summer dress/winter sheath, but that thing in between.  I was thinking I had found it and now I'm not sure - behold:

It wouldn't be this colour or this length - but the point is a convertible dress. I was looking at a short deep navy colour.  It goes for about  $80 on Etsy.  For the longest time I thought it was brilliant and now with things being a little crunched I'm not sure if in the end I'm better off buying something from H&M for half the price and either not using the other half or putting it towards other summer gear.

Let me know what you think.  I will also say I'm a little apprehensive as Etsy has burned me in the last little while correction Customs has burned me by holding packages for 3-4 weeks longer than projected on everything I've purchased from Etsy.  I do not want to invest in something so crucial not to have it come or even worse look right.