It's About Time You Know

This does signal a change of direction around here, what things look like from here on we'll see, but for now... now you know.

A Year Ago

I've spent a little of the free time I have... oh who am I kidding, it sure wasn't free time... thinking about what a difference a year makes.

I just have no words really.

A year ago I was about to be laid off, having regular panic attacks and feeling like I was constantly fighting with a person I didn't know, that I couldn't know.

And now?

Well I have a challenging job that I'm falling in love with, I have an amazing man I can be vulnerable with, and let me tell you, self doubt has been running rampant these past few months and he's held me through some really NLLL moments of that and the mess of all the stress and we laugh, frankly I cannot think of something better than a person who knows that what we both need more than a cuddle at the end of day is a tickle fight. I don't think I've laughed this much in a long time. A thinks we're just stupid as she'll often find me desperately trying to unhinge myself or use my feet, or anything to balance out the battle. It's good for the soul. Even better is it's good to be reminded of how awesome your friends are.

But on the note of last year, while I wouldn't do this because I don't think I'd be here without all that stupidity, I totally agree with this song

So if you haven't noticed, I'm busy...

I have a guilty pleasure love for Megan Trainor, mostly because like T-Swizzle she can write a hook. But this one while it's cute and perky it has the substance of a Kardashian novel.

Dear future husband,

Here's a few things

You'll need to know if you wanna be

My one and only all my life

Take me on a date

I deserve a bae

And don't forget the flowers every anniversary

'Cause if you'll treat me right

I'll be the perfect wife

Buying groceries

Buy-buying what you need

Okay, sure flowers aren't a bad thing, honestly I'd prefer them at other times in the year but go for it, as for groceries, well Brad and I currently split this and I like this - he even made, dare I say it, a better roast chicken than I make last night for dinner.

You got that 9 to 5

But, baby, so do I

So don't be thinking I'll be home and making apple pies

I never learned to cook

But I can fader hook

Sing along with me

Sing-sing along with me (hey)

I like to cook and I make a damn good pie and for the record I don't think you're any better or worse a partner if you can or cannot cook/bake nor do I think it's limited to one person in the relationship.

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady

Even when I'm acting crazy

Tell me everything's alright

DO NOT placate me. If I am in the throws of an existential crisis, listen to me, hold me and if I need help you cannot offer then help me get it, don't just say tut tut dear.

Dear future husband,

Here's a few things you'll need to know if you wanna be

My one and only all my life

Dear future husband,

If you wanna get that special lovin'

Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night

Yes this is nice but I don't want to be told I'm beautiful just because you're horny

After every fight

Just apologize

And maybe then I'll let you try and rock my body right

Even if I was wrong

You know I'm never wrong

Why disagree?

Why, why disagree?

UGH, seriously, I can be wrong, I often am wrong, don't just roll over because you're horny and or you want me to shut up, seriously, I'm an adult, treat me like it.

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady

Even when I'm acting crazy

Tell me everything's alright

Dear future husband,

Here's a few things

You'll need to know if you wanna be

My one and only all my life (hey, baby)

Dear future husband,

Make time for me

Don't leave me lonely

And know we'll never see your family more than mine

I can function on my own and PLEASE I do not want to spend more time with my family.

I'll be sleeping on the left side of the bed (hey)

Open doors for me and you might get some kisses

Don't have a dirty mind

Just be a classy guy

Buy me a ring

Buy-buy me a ring, (babe)

You gotta know how to treat me like a lady

Even when I'm acting crazy

Tell me everything's alright

Dear future husband,

Here's a few things

You'll need to know if you wanna be

My one and only all my life

Dear future husband,

If you wanna get that special loving

Tell me I'm beautiful each and every night

Future husband, better love me right

Tired

I am all sorts of tired.

Tired of Greek.
Tired of family drama.
Tired of being very student poor
Tired of running into walls everywhere, not literally, not yet.
Tired of trying to get off sugar
Tired of all that adulting requires of me, like buying a bra, although truthfully the time had come for me to acknowledge that I really need to go up a cup size and finally I was able to do that without a meltdown in the department store.

I am at the point in the semester where there is nothing I want to read, eat, drink or watch to escape the mess, except for maybe this...

A Long Time Coming

Sorry folks I've been meaning to post but well this has been a really bumpy couple of months and it seems like it is only going to get bumpier.

Quick summary to date - Student loans fiasco, Ms. J's mom passed away after a very valiant and brave battle with lung cancer, I've taken on an internship and my supervisor is now leaving and the job has a huge learning curve and the man has lost one of his jobs and will be losing the other in time. And this is hard because well we need money to live but these jobs have been soul sucking and so we're trying to fight in the midst of our school work the valiant and soul sucking fight of finding him a healthier job.

In the middle of all this I've been struggling head on with insecurities born in the fire of graduate school or more so yet to be smelted out, those of perfectionism and over-extension and the new ones that pastoral care seems to be drawing out of me. Painful toxins of control and anxiety in the face of all that I cannot control and know I cannot control but feel like being in that space has set me adrift. It is hard, there has been much weeping and bless his heart, most of it has been done with fetal, head in his lap. In writing this I realize I'm in the throws of waves of grief for so many things I thought I had ridden through. But like the waves we were in on a glorious beach in South Florida, you think you're good and the soft looking foamy waves have violence and they can come in rapid succession, with just enough time to gasp a breath. Not enough time to consider the spiky seaweed in your hair or consider how salty the Atlantic is and how much your eye BURN. I am in those waves. And to hell with them because the sand is soft, the sun and the water are warm and the company is salve for my soul.

I am trying to remember this - holding to this while I venture through the mess that is my maternal family - for those who don't know I was part of an article on the weekend and I'm grieved by the response of my maternal family. Thankfully I'm in Florida so who knows what I would have been fielding on Saturday but it seems there is anger that I've shamed the family. I have no words for this, seriously, especially for people who do not even share my last name. It is moments like this where I am beginning to be okay with taking the man's name.  Maybe it will give me freedom to speak and not have the shamers follow me. The financial situation of the man and I as we do want to get married but right now that seems like something slipping far beyond our reach and maybe that is for the best, maybe we're just good where we are, leaning on each other and praying that we'll be able to weather all of these storms.

This feels appropriate right now, so here it all is and I will try to keep posting.

All the Cheese in a World that Seems to be Coming Apart a Little

CW is on the other half of the world right now tending to a very emotionally taxing series of family emergencies and I'm here trying to figure out how to support Ms. J in her family health stuff, what the hell is going on with my medical job, my rejected student loan, life and a sermon I've been struggling to put into words. Oh how ironic.

I'm tired.

This long distance business is a lot harder than I remember it being - that could just be that X and I were only 3 hours apart and CW and I are 10 hours apart and there is all the emotional stuff, but maybe not...

I've come to realize this summer I need one damn job, not 4. I'm exhausted and I finally am starting to feel ready to really stand on my own feet and do some scary things. Well sort of. Preaching still scares me shitless but I feel that voice itching its way out of me like a butterfly but like a less cliche image...

This year is going to be tough, it's going to be hard and all the vulnerability, but in all the awesome crazy hard ways.

Friends and CW I'm so glad I have all of you.

I Need...

I am not sure what I need. I waffle between wanting to consume an entire carton of ice cream or a box of Cartems doughnuts to wanting to finish off a few gin and ginger ales or crawl into a hole.

I am in the middle of a holy or un-holy storm of the FEELS

This week I called my mom because she texted me like a month ago and well we know how stellar our relationship is... so I finally called and arranged for CW, her and I to go for dinner but instead of letting our light conversation end on that note, I gave her a heads up about this PTSD and yoga project I'm helping with and well that didn't go very well and it devolved and derailed into her insisting that she didn't want to share the balcony with my father when I preached and well that's not all of it but enough of that for now...

So Thursday night I attended the filming (photographs and interview included) for the upcoming article and was actually overcome with all the awesome of being supported by this community of people I don't know but care about the work Nicole does with and for people like me but also struck with the ugh vulnerability why are you so well vulnerable feelings. These feelings were complicated by the arrival for the first time in months of an actual(ish) period - like HORMONES and the exhaustion and all that NLLL. And CW, bless his heart, came over after work and sat with me in all my NLLL as I tried to untangle the emotional extremes I constantly feel that I work to hold in tension - the good with the ugh that is NLLL.

So I figured things were somewhat stable until last night when a nice dinner together derailed when I felt that my mom was critiquing my motives for the article as selfish and not the will of God. Frankly those are fighting words. She's amazing at wedging God into my decisions with violent precision. She doesn't like it then clearly I haven't discerned enough. Oh the words I have for that, they are such that I am sure my feelings today are alone driving Jesus to drink.  Despite my strong desire to never get into a conflict with her because her crying just actually makes me angry - hello dysfunction - but I did finally try to explain to her that it isn't about selfishness, none of this a yay world look at me moment, but rather is a I went through and I still go through NLLL-ing NLLL and I don't want that life, I want to be healthier, as healthy as I can be decision and more so I want that for even just one more person....

So she left in tears and I feel NLLL. I feel all sorts of gross. I hurt.

And yet in this I cannot believe how awesome CW, R and Ms J have been in their support. I know that stuff needs to change and stuff is changing but ugh the feelings scare me, the last time I felt like this was 2008 and I don't know if I'm ready to venture into a storm like that year brought and yet as you all know I'm the kind of person who is at this very moment searching for some water appropriate fabrics and it about to plug my nose and jump in, let's get the NLLL underway, I've got stuff to do.

A Little Bruise to the Heart

I have spent the last 6 years working to have transparency in all my relationships since CEF. I know I have not always been completely transparent and I know I have not always made the decisions others would have or would have wanted me to make, but I have felt in everything I have learned and tried to make changes.

But now with the discussion of CW I have found myself whip-lashed in ways I have never before... I feel sandwiched between super supportive friends and strong skepticism. I have always known and experienced feedback but has always almost always been related to the man - and how it might not be right etc. Now? Well now the judgment is squarely being placed on me and my ability to make an "appropriate and rationed" decision and it hurts. It hurts to see that despite all the work that I've tried to do, all my actions to learn and move forward have been not only for naught but has also become something I am regretting that I even did... I am an adult and I will make the wrong choices, but I am also just as capable to make a great decision and for the record I am not the only one making any decisions - not that any are being made at the moment.

All that being said - I am happy to hear your concerns, your complaints, your whatever... and know that whatever is happening is being done with eyes open and time. There is no rush.

So that's that.

A Little Musical Detour

While I respect and am flattered (and a little terrified) at the rabid interest and desire for details, I'm going to take just a little sort of pause right now to share three songs that are finding frequent play on my iPod - and one artist will not surprise you as I am a huge fan and the other I foresee myself having deep affections for as well.

It is fun, catchy and a really great body positive anthem. I came across Meghan courtesy of a great woman Melissa Fabello who is an eating disorder & body image activist

She is my patronus or muse whatever you want to call it, Sara is it.

  

Ms. J had this song in her wedding and I have to say it is the first time I am beginning to get my heart around the sentiment or more appropriately I find my heart falling into the sentiment.

I Don't Keep Secrets Well

I kept one really well for a really long time and so I think my secret keeping mojo is a little busted. But more to the point, who wants to keep a secret about something that is totally awesome?

Well even though I want to keep things quiet it is going to be brutal for the next while wanting to just throw my arms around him and kiss him when I see him. But alas those moments are saved for around corners or quiet moments in the staff kitchen.

I am still pinching myself. Yes of course I know he is human and I know I am. I know that very much at the moment as my sciatic nerve is giving me NLLL hell. It goes through moments it isn't that bad and then normally I stand up or try to get up off the floor and realize that I would love to stay wherever I am. However unfortunately I know staying on my back doesn't actually aid the process...

I will say that he deserves a little or a lot recognition for leaving work today for a while to come see me at home and rub my back, get me an ice pack and in general try to make me feel better. How awesome is that?! 

I Don't Post Immediately and Y'all get cranky

Okay so here is where things are at...

Feeling wise I feel excited and like roller coaster terrified though I've never been on one... I just well didn't expect this and I know that's cliche.

On one tiny level the cliche of it will happen when you least expect it is one of the most irritating ones offered to single people but it seems it has become reality.

But really you want details right? Yes I'm not going to hear the end of it if I don't share those.

So Saturday we texted back and forth and it was really sweet - it's nice to have that balance between feeling wanted and not feeling like I'm being smothered. He had plans on Saturday night and I washed my hair and fell asleep in the presence of one of my loves, HP.

Sunday morning I went to church and sat next to the Douche (seriously he needs a new name because dating has made him so much less douchey, he's actually friendly) and his girlfriend and then after waiting forever in line at the local drug store for the important things - mints and chapstick... I hopped on the train and then had to wait a little for him.

Which truthfully was totally fine and my headspace had been distracted a little too - my flights from Florida have been seriously messed up by Delta and I just haven't had the emotional space to get on the phone with them and fight it out because it's ridiculous that they cancelled one of my flights and rebooked me on an early one that leaves as my flight arrives... yes because that makes sense - there has to be an algorithm that would prevent that.

Anyways, we bought salad makings, I proved myself to be awkward in my refusal to just make a decision, which as most of you know I'm happy to make a decision and piss someone off if I care about said decision, but a decision about which vegetable to go in a salad, whatever all work for me.

We then had lunch, moved to the couch, talked and then while I may or may not be a lady, you can fill in the blank.  I had to head home to help start the process of moving out some furniture for the eventual moving in of some furniture so CW being brave decided to come along.

Frankly I know my PU is not the man he was when I was younger and the twins cause him more stress than he deserves so I wasn't concerned about that, what I was concerned about was CW agreeing to help move the furniture. On one hand it was great, my back has flared up and on another hand I know my PU loses his grace and attention when it comes to moving furniture and construction and I was a little terrified that it could dissolve very quickly. I went well and in some ways endeared me more to CW, that he could hold his own with my PU.

CW stayed over for dinner and late into the evening, missing many buses and quite frankly if I knew of a way to keep him here with me and keep our respective employers happy I would have suggested it but well that seems like that's a recipe for disaster.

Speaking of work, we're trying to balance telling people we love that we're dating and keep it from our coworkers. And quite frankly as KAB burst my bubble this afternoon, I'd have to agree, that while I would love it to be until mid August, she managed to keep hers a secret a week. I am beginning to wonder after CW's light but on the target grilling by our receptionist is either of us is going to be able to keep this unwraps much longer than a week.

So there you have it... a little throw back

So Remember that Shitty Epic Long Date...

It's actually probably 5 years to the day (or close enough).

WELL...

I have a replacement epically long date and it was totally not shitty, not shitty at all...

It could actually be described with the following expressions/emotions:

This morning when he texted me to see what I was up to today and we were both headed for the library I was really barely containing myself. We spent the afternoon together in the library and yes I was so crazy as to have a nap for the last hour next to him. I did my usual put my scarf on the table and throw my coat/sweater over my head. Yes, I have no shame.

We then decided to go for drinks and probably drove the waitress crazy with our distracted talking, it probably took us a good hour to order and then we were there another 5 hours talking. And we're on the same page on pretty much everything including he's totally okay with gluten free. And this sounds weird and horrible and I'm not sure what else but both of us had epically horrible engagement and life collapses in 2008 and had them redeemed by awesome surrogate family people and well so much more....

Guess who was a gentleman who walked me to my bus and waited for it but did not do anything else overtly chivalrous - hallelujah, not more being cut off or chastised for my behaviour.

Guess who has a date on Sunday.

ME!!!!!

And it involves coffee and books.

So yes. So much yes.

So My Current Mood Might Resemble A 3 Year Old on a Sugar Bender...

So last night I went to bed with the solace found at the bottom of a glass of Viognier and some Brazilian gluten free cheese buns... thinking I had totally NLLL-up it all.

This morning I received an email I wasn't expecting that could be summarized with the following:

Apparently I wasn't a horrible person, I was someone who was sweet and kind and what just happened... Well I responded as bubbly as possible stating I wouldn't be in because today is my cat herding day (the wrangling of a 7 and 4 year old and their 14 month old sibling) but we could talk next week. I checked my email tonight and I have an offer of drinks. My response...

It is on.

It is so on.

Let the awkward games begin.

Um so about today...

I failed.

I went down in a blazing glory of awkwardly timed horribleness that can really only be described in the following two images:

What happened? Well... it all started last week. During lunch last Wednesday I was reading a book  and CW indicated he would like to read it once he was finished his thesis. I finished the book this weekend and realized it probably wasn't a great introduction to the subject so today I dropped of the following book in his mailbox with a little note on KAB's handmade stationary. I wore a cute dress and my sassy leopard print wedges... I was all ready to begin the slow work of upping my game and then...

Not an hour later CW comes in, stops at my desk and I ask how he's doing. Not well, he just found out his dad is dying and he's postponed his thesis because he has to fly home.

All I could think was NLLL, NLLL, NLLL could I have picked a worse day to have that book in his mailbox? No, not really. So the question was do I try and sneak it back out of his mailbox or do I just leave it and explain my actions, if I need to explain my actions? Since I didn't think I could do it right away covertly and after he checked his mailbox and left it there I knew I couldn't take it out.

Because I am all about making the awkward more awkward I emailed him to apologize.

So right now I'm drinking wine, because, well because.

Oh NLLL.

I Need a Time Out or Something

I've been having a bit of an emotional meltdown these days and I know it will pass, it always does... I must confess I've been having the why am I single feelings...

They seem more complicated this time around - I've been trying to block out the irrational nature of LG's break up with me - the words that my life is too much for him to handle - I know it doesn't but it feels like it right now, that I'm just too broken/messy/too too much for anyone... I able to acknowledge that this feeling is being fuelled by CG and more so the article/mini-film I am going to be apart of for a local major newspaper about my PTSD.

Granted he may never read it (though our office does get that newspaper), but there is a very likely possibility that he's not interested in me or we are compatible... so what right?

And of course it seems like the annual wedding-a-thon has descended on Twitter and FB and I want to be happy for everyone, I am, but you know, and at the same time I'm so thankful for where I am.

Conflicted much?

I am kind of relishing all the things that I'm learning and witnessing in my life but even more so in my friends. I have so much to be thankful for - so on that note can someone I love get engaged, that would be great, I can just live vicariously through you.

I cannot find something that fits my mood so here is something from current search for more running music: