Wuthering Heights, You're going down

If you don't follow me on my unrelated Twitter account you probably are completely unaware that I laid the challenge down to Wuthering Heights, it was Bronte or me.  More specifically I was prepared to not pick up another novel from my stack until I had finished Wuthering Heights. I had started it many times but always found myself throwing it in the bottom of the "to-read" pile, only to find it on the top a few months later.   This time I knew I had to take it out of circulation permanently.  I would have acheived that this weekend if not for my chronic migraine of late and my GRE preparation.  Yes the GRE has the power to seduce me away from a novel these days. I know that I need to get cracking on both my reading and my studying so that come September the procrastination novel stack will be gone and the GRE will be prepared for as much as possible.

*Fingers Crossed*

Holiday, What Holiday?

I was suppose to have this week off.  I stress the word SUPPOSE.  Obviously that didn't happen and I will be working 4 1/2 out of the 5 days this week.  On my one day off I get a phone call from my boss who is on vacation - so much so that he cannot return an urgent email, that I need to go into work to let our computer tech person in to fix some damage the power outage in these parts did.  Um no.  I am not busing an hour each way to let him in, he can come tomorrow, we are all closed remember.  Well thankfully CW was willing to sacrifice her day off to do it... How soon is it before I'm free from this job?

On top of that annoyance I get an email from the PU I don't talk to often.  Yes she birthed me, but she's also birthed a lot of other crazy since then.  She's all bent out of shape I didn't invite her to my convocation.  She went on FB and decided in her head it was this big freaking party that she got left out on.  Yes I marched across the stage in my glorious pursuit of more debt - but it was only Ms. J and my other PU present. We took some pics and Ms. J and I  bused back to our hood went for food at our local diner.  I had worked that morning, and in the end the whole thing was more about doing it, to say that after 10 years I was really and truly done - it wasn't about her.  Why the hell does it have to be about her?  I know you're going to say I should have invited her.  What for?  So she can drive 2 hours to see me on a stage for 5 seconds? or so I can uninvite my other PU who lives 5 minutes away?  No way am I putting those two next to each other if I have a choice.  I know my wedding whenever that is will be hell enough with those two going at each other about who was less horrible a PU... I know that I'm being a b*tch.  But some days I just feel like when did these two think that they are entitled to my adult life when they sure didn't think they should be involved anytime before I turned 20?  You missed your chance.

Blog Men Update

Just because I am not single doesn't mean that I don't still have man issues.  Not X issues and even if I did we have agreed not to blog our relationship problems... whatever, not the point.

BB is the point.  He posted on FB this week, that he up and moving.  I knew this day would come, boy has roots as deep as a azalea in this city.  I know he wants to be any where but here. That being said while he loves another major city in this part of the world I doubt that it's going to fill the void.  So I sent him off with my best wishes that he finds what he's searching for - maybe he'll find a shrink along the way too.  I mean that with with care - I know it sounds bitchy, but I've been there - you can run all you want, if the shit is in your head, it's not going to help you one bit.  I really do wish I could have helped the guy out but there was just no way to do that and not end up with a bloody mess on my hands.  As for the whole no more free coffee, it's probably a good thing for me, my waistline and well me - I was tired of feeling like I was cheating on BB with X. Yes you read that right - I had a relationship with my barista while I am in a relationship with X. I felt like BB was hoping the next free latte would be the one to send me over the counter and into his arms... oh honey, if it was a JJ Bean latte maybe.

AL:  Well he pops in and out of my life.  Look maybe I'm just too damn civil, or maybe FB allows men I'm vaguely friends with to comment and reappear in my life I don't know.  I find it unnerving.  It's like AB knows not to comment, not to talk to me.  I might BBM AB once every 6 months to make sure he's alive but I normally comes down to a few terse answers back and forth and fizzles out.  Well AL I think just bugs the bajeebers out of me due to our history - the more I look at the more I feel like I was being seduced for a pity something.  To ask me on a date on the heels of knowing your friend and I got very whatever and he's intent on breaking my heart because he's a man child seems cold, calculated and oh ya who you are - Mr. Serial Cheater. 

Aside:  So reading through my old blogs I realize I have lost my writers mojo - happiness and writing do not mix - and now Virginia Woolf makes even more sense to me - you've got to be repressed, bitchy and drinking far more then you should and off the hormone pills to for that matter to get the kind of kicky, snarky and aptly observed stuff out there.  So now the time has come for me to find another source, or just to switch to drinking and blogging.

For you X:

The Long Weekend Cannot Come Soon Enough

Ms. J and even X to some degree insist that I spend too much time on culinary websites/detours.  I contest that there is a really good reason for my searches - you never know what you can find.  I went searching for a cooked vanilla strawberry jam recipe to make this weekend and found this website. That is an amazing discovery.

But that aside I am looking forward to a chunk of time so that I can plow through Wuthering Heights.  I am half way through and I declared to the world and Twitter, or maybe that is the world, that I would not read another book until I finished Wuthering Heights.  I needed to motivation to just do it, to get invested in it like I did Love in the Time of Cholera. I find that if I am not in a class where I have to read a book, if it doesn't grab me I shelve it.  I have been known to shelve a book multiple times before I read it all the way through.  Fingers crossed I don't shelve it once more.

Even worse then being stuck without good reading material, I realized that I might have to work in September after all.  I do not want to work.  Seriously I do not want to try and balance work and school.  But that being said unless I find a benevolent benefactor or rent out my uterus I am not going to be able to afford school.  Gah.  So the plan at the moment is to consider looking for bursaries etc - I don't know what my chances are but being denied is better then not asking.

On the topic of money and work/life balance - well actually it's not really on that topic at all - my PU has started running! So glad he's got the old man belly going on and that is not good for anyone, especially him.  So because I'm a mean daughter I've convinced him to sign up for his first half marathon.  Bazinga! I managed to bring one person unwittingly over to the dark side.  We're going to be hitting up SoCal in November - so really I don't know how dark side it really will be...whatever - will be updating you on the joy that will be my life trying to get my PU up to the 13.1 miles.

Too much to do, too little time - and don't even get me started on the GRE - oy vay.

Warm Fuzzies

My home city got its warm fuzzies on after a horrific week and I'm proud that we did.  But beyond that I don't really have anything to say because I don't want to dwell on either mob that has arisen, those rioters or the courts of social media who has now decided to start vicious acts on the rioters, their families and homes.  Justice is not found in acts of rage regardless of what incites that rage.  So on that note, lest I go all pacifist on everyone.

Behold:



So if you need to get some pent up riot frustration out today that hasn't been pancake breakfast, post note on police cars, plywood graffiti or hug a stranger out of you, then just go blow up a green pig with an angry bird.

Nervous?! Who is nervous?! Surely not I?!

So it all comes down to this, eh?  I remember the last time so clearly - too clearly to be honest - the tears, the fingers crossed, all of it.  This time boys please win that inch so that the end result is different.



I am adding this to deflate the nail crunching and kvetching that is happening around town, if you haven't notice Hockey Night in Canada has been playing it as part of their pre-game.

I know I'm weird

I don't think X knows how weird I can be, but I'm okay with that - I honestly don't think that I need to let him in on every inside joke or more so subject him to everything I share with my girlfriends.  Ms J and I love to use 80's colloquialisms - it's our thing.  T and I have known each other through more shit than I think any man could or would need to understand.  That is okay - I know there are moments where I want to say stupid things to X and then realize it would require way to much contextualizing so I say as I would to anyone other than Ms. J.  It's actually kind of nice to share something special with all the people that are unique and special in my life...

So on that note, I'm going to let you in on a little secret *clears throat* I like to look at home decor and mentally plan my home.  I know this isn't actually weird.  Maybe it is completely normal, but I've pretty much got the whole thing clear as day in my mind.  Problem is I'm a vintage loving girl with expensive taste.  Yep, oh honey if only you knew how amazingly talented I am at finding normally the most expensive item in a room.  Now that being said I don't buy those things - I'm not senile.

So I just look at sites like this:

Where they sell things like this for crazy expensive prices and why would I pay $54 for 6?  Because they're PINK! You think I'm joking don't you?  Oh if you only knew...

Rough Spot

I get scared easy - I hear that relationships have rough patches and that you need to move through them, I understand that, I understand it to my core - and yet I feel like I'm staring down the crazy anxious woman I was in 2008 and I am starting to become incredibly scared.

I miss X.  I feel like I'm coming unhinged, I miss him that much and yet I feel like we're emotionally as far apart as we are physically.  I honestly don't know couples did long distance in a world of letters and slow transportation.  All I hear is that I need to let him go, let him do what he needs to do at school/life and if it's meant to be that we'll find ourselves in the better time and space.  I understand that conceptually - I do not however understand that emotionally.  I've become a crying fool at my desk because like the true Gemini I am my heart and my head have decided that WW3 needs to be fought here and now and I'm too damn tired to stop either party.

I am away ya'll...

I am off with my honey bunny, X, (yes dear I called you that in a public semi-permanent format - deal with it) to see him graduate (CONGRATULATIONS! *muah*) and hang out with his family and peeps.  Also important to note, one whole week away from work, though I will have my crackberry...

Tootles!

Our Song?

Taylor Swift informed me that relationships need songs.  Interesting?  Well first of all I like Taylor Swift so sue me - I do nasty accounting and I like to listen to something as fluffy as humanly possible but not quite Disney, and maybe I just like that she writes nasty tell all songs about all her exes.  It's like we are soul mates!   I write blogs and she writes songs, only difference is there is a few million in revenue that she gets - fair enough it is a little more difficult than what I do around here.

I have no problem finding break up songs, some days it feels like I have more of those than Charlie Sheen has had one morning/day/evening/evening stands. And of course because I say that, y'all are going to think X and I are rocky.  We are not.  I think the reason for the dearth in break up songs is just because they're so damn easy to write.  Love songs are more complicated.  The process of saying I love you seems to be so much more drawn out and complicated than saying "I hate you," "I need to find myself," "NLLL off you cheating NLLL" and so on and so forth.

So here is my lovely collection from the past

This song belongs to a man who rarely if ever has found himself on this blog - maybe because I got out all my rage when I burned his stuff - let's just say poor BI had to help kick me into exorcising him.



Oddly this song I think collided with my dissolution with My Mr. Big - yes it's Avril, but when the Music video channel has to fill their content with X amount of crappy but national content, you get to hear these kids of jems over and over and over.



In the months post CEF I realized that while I didn't have a post breakup song, nor did really want to - I just wanted to forget it all. However, I did find this song so relevant as time went on and he still wouldn't go away that there were times I was incredibly tempted to quote it in its entirety



Well we've dealt with AB before and honestly if I have to hear another Lady Antebellum song from that time in my life I might do something very non-ladylike.

Sure John Mayer has lots of break up songs - but I have to say these are the ones that come to mind.  So here we are at the end of a post about break up songs and I'm at a loss for a LOVE song about X. 

Any I love you songs in your repertoires?

This song was on the radio this morning, it's a little dramatic and I sure as heck do not want to be anywhere near a cabin, I am a city girl through and through.

I'm A Lit Geek

I get it.  I think most people who spend an extended conversation with me get it, really quickly, for some.  I have opinions - some of which hurt the hearts of the ones I love - poor X (I didn't like the book he bought for me as a gift and yes I could have lied but BSing my boyfriend to the extent I would have needed to is even more cold and damaging to me)... onwards.  At dinner last night Ms J's man asked what I am going to graduate school for beyond seminary... and then the thesis comes out along with discussions on everything else literature related.

In all this graduate school talk there is always the question, so what are you going to do with THAT.  Yes a MA is still a THAT degree.  Well dears, I do not hope to teach high school students. I would like to teach college students who understand the glorious importance of Beowulf and well the whole canon and how it shaped all the layers of development and experimentation.  But here is the issue I am realizing, those students don't exist.  They used to, but they don't now.  The education system is more or less abysmal, so high school teaching here I might be coming in an attempt to give our university professors something to work with.
Here is the reason for this change of mind:

http://shitmystudentswrite.tumblr.com/

http://croserun.tumblr.com/post/4417060448/okay-i-see-this-impression-from-my-students (felt I needed to add this too)

I will say do not drink coffee and read this, please for the sake of your gorgeous laptop.

Medical Update

I try to keep my medical updates to a minimum as not to depress me or you - but yesterday was another medical day.  I got to have my eyes dilated and have my freckle examined.  Yes my fair and freckley skin means that I have a freckle in my eye too.  Now I learned yesterday, courtesy of the nice retinal surgeon that my freckle is likely always going to be benign.  If it was a mole we'd have a problem I should be concerned about.  However, that being said I need to have it routinely examined to ensure it doesn't become malignant.  I am not worried about the potential of cancer as much as I find it funny.  Don't get me wrong cancer isn't funny, however for my body, to have it be a spot in my eye that has the potential to be it just seems to fit to my weirdness.

So yep I could end up with a melanoma in my eye and I don't know what that would mean - but I do know it's the future, and like all things in the future - I don't need to dwell on them.

PS Wondering where the freckle is?  It's that dark pigmented area in the middle

Photo: http://www.matossianeye.com/site/blog/detail/2010/09/02/a-freckle-in-your-eye.html

Music!

I was in Starbucks yesterday flirting for my free drink and I heard this come on - I'd heard it before but it took me until the chorus to remember it and then well it was stuck in my brain.

Life is a little upside down at the moment and I definitely get anxious when that happens - the internal fight to right all that is happening gets incredibly strong which just snowballs everything.  I've been getting busier with friends - and I do like that but I find it can be emotionally a little chaotic. Add to that my roommate has gone tree planting for at least a month and now I have an empty home again... and the GRE, stupid books keep taunting me and so on and so forth and I feel like I'm drowning a little at the moment.  All I want is X to turn the world right but that's not going to happen any time before the 20th and even that trip is making me anxious.... gah  *DEEP BREATH* So while I find a paper bag to breath into, check out this song

Carrying Along

I am slowly recovering from my silly cold and now just dripping ever so slowly but still enough to have a Rudolph esque nose... as such I felt it was time to share something less educational and more fun.  I completely and unabashedly love the Big Bang Theory.



http://youtu.be/boIzNJnvpPw

http://youtu.be/sqzIeS239jw

http://youtu.be/ffQSDMjQrkM

I Feel Like This is a TED obsessed blog