Have You Ever

Have you have ever met someone who intimidated you - not CEF intimidation, but a wow you're amazing, you're so _____.... I had a conversation with a male friend about this.  This friend is not the only guy to do this to me,  DD was the other once but considering my mouth goes bone dry in his presence I have given up trying on that.  I've always sort of believed that it was a good sign - not the bone dry mouth - but the element of awe.  I am not talking about a disproportionate amount, but rather the person having abilities you don't have and want or want to grow in, someone who compliments you, encourages you to grow.

For example - I cannot dance and I cannot get up in front of people and do anything let alone sing or play an instrument.  I have sung in front of hundreds in another language too - but let me put it this way I probably looked like I was going to hurl the entire time.  The lack of dancing is probably a combination of insecurity and coming from a family where dancing was verboten - especially dancing with a boy.  It didn't help me one bit that I went from a public elementary school where dancing consisted of standing holding each other at a respectable distance and moving side to side to a private school where no one danced because everyone knows that dancing leads to sex.  Actually a lot leads to sex and it isn't just dancing... sigh - to bad they didn't consider all the other ways and teach some practical instruction around that... but that is another blog.  So bottom line I dance at home with the blinds closed and no one else around...

Those aren't things I necessarily want to grow in but I do want to find someone who supports me and challenges me to grow... I don't know if someone who intimidates me is the place to start though apparently I have the same effect on men - so maybe I need to get over my fears in order to find someone brave enough to handle me - rather than dealing with the men who think they can just corral me.

I Must Confess

I have never looked back on an ex or pseudo relationship and thought, damn I should have never let them go, they were so good/right etc...  Yep, never.  I know you're going to say what about AB?  Well if you've been following along I don't think I ever really thought that he or we were so good - we were the definition of dysfunction or more so I was a man-child enabler...

I am beginning to wonder if that is normal.  I know I'm not normal - maybe this is just one more thing that I'm not normal about.  I have been thinking about this since I saw Dr. A's picture on FB, the first time I've seen him in any form in 5 years.  It's a little weird.  We went out bad - or more so he did.  And any feelings I had left over that fateful Christmas party where washed away with two very expensive martini's thrown back shot style and his fateful head rub to the horrified looks on my coworkers faces on the other side of the table.  Dr A went down in those flames, not the ones he should have gone down in - the no marriage, no kids, 15 year age gap flames.  Funny I always let them lose with the simple things.   Boy who Played the Guitar also pops up on FB and when I see the rare photos of his wife it reminds me that there is no way in hell I would sing the words of Adele.  Maybe it's a good thing I will never want or have to - make me wonder if I haven't loved enough.

Exhausted

Oh Lord

My last building Christmas party was not a disappointment - sh*tfaced-ness all around.  No I didn't do that - there was no gin to be seen so no one got lucky.  After my first two champagne, things were getting tipsy and then followed with a glass of white wine at which time well I would have said yes to just about anything - so I cut it off there.  But others didn't and at the end of the night - the wine was flying and so were comments that even drunk I doubt I would make.

In the end, the big surprise was showing your cleavage and doing your own french twist - not perfect but pretty damn good ensures that no one, not even a bitchy wife of an owner makes a comment about why you're single.  Well actually the drunkest at the party did ask.  And I told her the truth - figure you might as well - I told her I was seeing someone - actually no I didn't because that's a lie.  I told her (as I am sure she would have remembered if she wasn't drunk) that after being engaged to CEF and the joys that brought - that in the end I would rather be single than have a douche on my arm.  She surprisingly didn't accept that - should have gone with Option A... But alas she was drunk and I can pray she remembers nothing.

As for me the carriage has become a pumpkin and the dairy I consumed has decided to curse me out so I'm off to bed to pray that the pain ends.

Hmm

Some days I feel like I should have a lock on my computer - no public sharing while processing thoughts.  But well those who know me know that my belief is filtering doesn't work for me - I'm a talk through it person.  Problem is that as you talk through things your mind can change... alas that's why blogs have the gracious thing called edit, though life doesn't.

My old blogs exist in cyberspace but because of CEF they aren't public, so you'll have to trust me on this.  I went through an "online dating phase" from December 07 to about March 08.  I talked to 3 guys during this process - I know large selection huh - anyways not the point.  The first one started to creep my out - ended that one.  Second one - S, well that was going well and then one day it came unhinged.  He held up a book and I was shocked.  I was shocked that a person I though I was getting to know was actually a completely different person.  But heck that wasn't the end of it - in the end we were completely different people... so anyways we'll leave Three for another day.  But the point is S got engaged yesterday, we are oddly still FB friends...  I feel ambivalent about the whole thing.  He's happy, she's happy and I sure wasn't still holding anything for him - well see here's the deal.

I think I want to be single for now.  Sounds crazy I know.  But after AB I just feel like I'm not up for the drama - all the wondering what he thinks or feels or if it's even truly true.  I believe it has to be simpler, a hell of a lot so.  Thing is I feel like life keeps reminding me that only parts of this whole like, dating and then love thing is simple - the biological chemistry part - the #%)^@ part that starts and you're left wondering what the hell is going on.  I know it won't take long to arrest the reaction.  Question is what do I gain by cutting it off?  What is there to lose by not shutting up and shutting it all down?




Yes I know another Florence + The Machine video - but I love her, the lyrics keep surprising me:

've fallen out of favour
And I've fallen from grace
Fallen out of trees
And I've fallen on my face
Fallen out of taxis
Out of windows too
Fell in your opinion
When I fell in love with you

Oh-ooh (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

Oh-ooh (repeated)

This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
This is a song for a scribbled out name
And my love keeps writing again and again
And again (x15)

I'll dance myself up
Drunk myself down
Find people to love
Love people too drunk
I'm not scared to jump
I'm not scared to fall
If there was nowhere to land
I woudn't be scared
At all (x4)
All (repeated)

Sometimes I wish for falling
Wish for the release
Wish for falling through the air
To give me some relief
Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief

You're Pregnant!

In the last few weeks I've found myself thinking about the topic or having it appear in the weirdest of places.  Take last Friday for example, I said to Ms. J, "Speaking of the human body," she interjects "You're pregnant" "Um no we're only celebrating one immaculate conception this year and it ain't mine"... the conversation proceeded to talk about the Scar Project's I'm Not A Pink Ribbon campaign, which I LOVE.   Later that evening as I was putting my delicates away I caught sight of the HCG text box that is still in a drawer a year later... what the hell it's still doing in there I don't know, I don't plan on needing or even wanting to use it anytime soon.

There was a time in my life I thought I really wanted kids, but well I know that for one times a ticking but at the same time I know despite my previous beliefs that I'm not willing to choose to be a single mom.  If it happens then it happens and I'd have a great community to support me.  Even still I know it's a hell of a lot of work and I don't know if I could do it day in and day out alone-ish.

For now I rely on the days like today where even my boss asked for a Valium, when the ridiculous tantrums and hours of screaming as free birth control.  They get me past those moments where I really really want a baby and don't care if the dad will ditch me. It is these screaming times that make me wonder that even if everything lined up - a husband, stable home etc would I have the patience for it all.  It's funny I always thought I would be a mom, but when I look at my mom friends and their downs more than ups, it makes me really wonder.

Eww

I'm camped out on the couch, starting to pray that I can get back to running, but alas the joy that waits 28 days give or take has decided to sidetrack things.  If I'm trying to avoid being washed away in the inches of rain and the wind storms, then it something else.  And at the same time trying to convince my PMS brain that there is nothing in the house - seriously nothing - well that it wants - I stopped buying flour and bread products about two months ago as part of my anti-candida kick, I am GF/DF so chocolates and the like aren't in my house... but it doesn't mean that the sight of them isn't causing me to lose my head.  I must survive, the pain of gluten is a pain far far worse...

Ready, Set, Christmas!

Christmas can start now.  Well I actually started it on the weekend when I was procrastinating from my paper - the cedar door bow and lights are up (about all we have room to put up or store), the Christmas list is being fashioned and the work Christmas business is almost done - sweet Baby Jesus I'm so happy.

But of course this isn't a simple Christmas - my PU has started dating, while I would like to tell him to finalize the divorce first, I know he's been living alone for almost 3 years, so whatever.  She sounds nice - Catholic high school principal... so anyway there was this part about me not wanting to go away this Christmas, I think I do, someone want to take me in?  As long as you live in a climate similar to my wet coast one I'm good...

But you will be proud of me - seriously Ms J and I are throwing a New Years party - how's that for planning ahead - woot us, but even better I opted to not invite AB at all.  Yep even though I know he'd likely not come, I figured it was high time to start leaving him off the party invites.  AND I replaced him with an invite to Mr. Bombastic - ah what the hell.

So it will be a Christmas season of change, I'm down with that, as long as someone make a pass by with some mistletoe.

Photo: A gorgeous pair of pumps I'm only going to look at - because I don't need anymore - Ms. J thinks they're hideous, I guess she's not getting them for me for Christmas...

Just What I Needed

I am not a huge fan of Christmas music, beaten, battered and mutilated beyond recognition most times.  I prefer to listen to this kind of music - it shows just how amazing ridiculous talent combined with fun and creativity can be - their Lady Gaga cover is far beyond hers.  If you check out more of their recordings just look at the crowds.  Men who sing well (and be funny) can be dead sexy.

In Lieu of Writing - Exam Season

I love her music, it's brilliant, she has lines like "no right minds can be wrong so many times...." This song has a haunting quality that somehow isn't depressing - this song was done by SYTYD - and yes that interpretation is painful and dark.  But anyways - I like her and I love what she did with the video, and also quite frankly the fact that I can easily sing along to it doesn't hurt:

Sorry but Bah Humbug

I love the idea of Christmas, the reason for it and all that.  I do not however like everything that comes with it, specifically the end of semester stress/exams (WOOT me last class EVER at my undergrad institution tomorrow - beyond excited about that), the decorating the office (was in at 7am today to do that before patients came), the cards - 200+ form cards to be stuffed, labeled, sealed and mailed along with 40+ hand written cards to all the offices in our similar line of work (all of these are signed by ALL our staff), add to that the buying and delivering of dozens of gifts to the support workers and related businesses, building Christmas party and gift exchange (a nice one so you actually have to shop for it),* our office staff lunch, scheduling of holiday hours, the changing of the voicemail (THE WORST) and the list goes on.  Most years I'm so freaking exhausted that I do my personal shopping last minute or while I'm on hold at work...

So if you come into my office and I'm covered in metallic labels and glitter and cursing  (like I was today), just turn around - don't you dare wish me a Merry Christmas until December 23 at 4pm - then you are free to do so - we and more importantly I am not on call, my phone is off and Christmas is over and the real celebrations have just begun.

*Goodness - the whole dress, shoes, hair business so I can stand next to free booze and not drink because I'm in a position where I cannot be intoxicated - bat shit craziness I tell you - and on top of that I get to hear for the whole night about what I'm doing wrong because I'm still single - if we're going to have that discussion I need 2 martinis stat - one for me and one for the front of your dress - REALLY?  Yes I've heard this theory on more than one party occasion.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ell-kay/4171283748/sizes/m/in/photostream/

Love Love LOVE

I am in love with Florence and the Machine, truthfully completely captivated by her voice, her movements, her art as a whole. I couldn't get enough of her (and Lady Antebellum) while I travelled this past week - this song though is not on her amazing cd - so I feel that I need to share it.  I know it is a cover, but sometimes the reinterpretations are better - this is one of those cases. 

Just a Little Note

If you are wondering what the whole alphabet run down is just look to your right *point to right* Blog Boys/Girls will give you as much insight as I can offer

Marriage

BI is engaged.  The boy who said he would never get married found someone he wanted to get hitched to.  I could be sad - that was one of the reasons we never dated - but really it was only one of the small reasons it didn't work out for us.  In the end I am actually thrilled for them and their family.

Why?

Because it reminds me that men when they find that person are happy to commit.  When they aren't just bidding their time or using you to fill a void.  CW has this problem with her man who keeps saying he'll do it when the time is right for him.  See the thing is - it seems like the time is never right and honestly it might never be.  She might wait and wait and wait and he'll never be ready - because he's a man-child like AB or because she's not the one to make him realize that life without her is not a life fully lived.

In the sea of commitment phobes and man-children BI's action reminds me there will be someone who's willing to take risks to make sure I'm his.  I just have to develop some patience.

For AB-sake!*

I have just returned home from Philadelphia after a week away - returning home to rain, snow, ice and well winter.  I am not overly thrilled with it - but it is here and I have to deal with it I guess.

I have a confession of sorts - while I was in Philly AB texted me.  I have to say I've come to the point in our relationship/friendship where if I could there would be plates and other breakables being thrown at him in these moments.  It's like he knows when I'm bemoaning his stupidity or something.

"Hey just thought of you... Sorry if it's late but just wondering how you are? :)"

Options for this statement:

1. He was drunk and "lonely" - because I just looked at the calender - the 23rd was comedy night when he goes out with his girl-frenemies (skanks I prefer to be enemies with).  Oh sad little boy. 

 My response since I know Ms J wants to make sure I didn't have a brain malfunction while running.

"In Philly at the moment, did NYC with my dad yesterday and the race went good on Sunday, all and all going good.  Hope you are doing good with work and all, we should catch up in December when I am done class."

No response from AB - for one I know December is his drinking month - how else can he stomach turning 32 and have the life he has - well that's my understanding of his drinking.  So I don't have to worry about catching up.  My question is when did I become his booty call?  Since when was I like one of his harem.  I am beginning to wonder if men have this once mine always mine to reclaim belief - I know CEF did and now AB is starting to act like it.

Oh well thought I'd keep everyone updated with this sad story - and on that note a song I think that you, TOITB will appreciate - so maybe you can get one of their songs stuck in your head and learn to hate it like I hate their really popular song who's name shall not be mentioned.




* I think you know what I mean