Better as a Memory**

Memories are funny things, they fail us, they distort in the framework of time and place, they are rarely if ever honest with us, they capture a photograph from our sole perspective of a brief glimpse of moment. They are fragile, they are violent, they are abusive, they are everything we don't want them to be and yet we hold to them so bitterly as their being defines us. I remember...

Well I remember a time when this song was just a song that L and I used to sing to in the tiny hall between our two rooms. L and I both single all those years ago used to for some bizarre reason say that this song would be our break up song. L moved on and married and I moved on and engaged, unengaged and unsuccessfully for many reasons dated a man that his roommate calls juvenile - a 31 year old man being called juvenile. He's caught in the fractured memory of loves gone wrong of loves where the memory has been come better than the reality, so much so that there is an increased desire for the reality. He wants her back, she's not his to take, but her hold is strong. It seems that looking at the men who have come through my life - there are always these women, I know that I in many respects is that woman for CEF oddly enough. The one or two women who fracture a man's desire for maturity, commitment and forward growth.... but we lost the trail.. the trail is this, a song that in many way captures everything in either lyrics or beauty of the movement...

**The title is a line from a song that's been rolling around in my head, - "I'm better as a memory than as your man" I think that sums up AB well

Estrogen, Eclipse and a lack of sleep...

These factors combined together with a general sense of Gemini flakiness and well let's just say I determined that at 2:30am Sunday morning after a stressful bus ride home from AB's house that my approval of the platonic dating situation had dissolved. We'd walked for two hours, watched a movie and I left just before 1am, after my bus didn't show I was offered the couch. None of these factors impacted my decision to do so to be honest, I declined the couch due to a weekly date with my parental unit, I doubted he would be enthused to hear I was elsewhere, having spent the night at male's house - regardless of the sleeping arrangement... no what broke it was the continuous, So's? After the hours of texting - I'd had enough of shrugging my shoulders in response to the question, so what are you? So I asked, I asked if the mixed signals were unintentionally mixed and what was his intent? I waited and I waited and at 11am I was notified that there was no intent. This was followed by a multiple choice further explanation:

1. Hadn't thought about it
2. Friends as per now
3. Other

The choice? " I think 2 for now. Although the allure of 3 is there... WTF... um pardon me that wasn't lady like -but well, I have to say what is that? So of course I redefined the boundary - we're 2, none of this possible 3 business, and there is a line, you cross it, you cross it, no toeing over the line because it happens to suit you... but now here I am wondering how close is 3... whatever 3 is... so here we are the artist and the writer negotiating, trying to find a more common language while texting up a storm... btw V has a blind date set up for me this week...

L swore she would never breakup again...

So she hated whenever I played this song, me however, I loved the song when I was with CEF, maybe because I felt that there is truth in the song, the kind of truth about love fading, the kind of love CEF and I never had, so this would never have happened... there's an honest desperation and of course because John can and does it is dripping with emotion/desperate affection/anger/confusion and well it's sexy, no? I have to say I love the line, "you'll be a bitch because you can..." um ya, I think that nails that part of a dying relationship for me.

Funny thing is right now I just love the song, it's the kind I want to play as the setting sun is filtering it's way into the kitchen, turn it up, open the back door, light a few candles and enjoy the rest of my wine, erstwhile washing the dishing and swaying (I don't dance) to the beat...