How Desperate Are You?

I am beginning to think the relationship game is really fuelled by desperation. More specifically our male peers have settled on the belief that the woman they need to settle with is a woman they can live with and she cannot live without them.  That is not relationship - that's a recipe for infidelity, jealously and bitterness. 

Who are we kidding?  Why do we let ourselves get into this game?  We all know in the end he never stays with us and always goes back or on to that kind of woman.  I want a man who thinks I'm beyond him.  Not in the sense that he thinks I am too good for him - but I think our partners in life, should have the same qualities as our best friendships.  Note I did not say they should be our best friend - I think that is a bizarre idea - marrying your bff.  If that was the goal - Ms. J and I would have shacked up a long time ago - but we haven't because love is not like that - it's not the stuff of bf friendships - though yes it has some of the qualities.  One such quality is admiration/awe/challenge for example Ms. J and well JS and N too - are kick ass, take no prisoners women in their own rights.  I love that in a man - a sense of I know who I am, I know what is awesome and I am going to pursue that - because more often than not - it is completely unlike what I want or feel comfortable with.

Take X for example - he sings and plays music, he speaks other languages - he has this something, I don't know what it is, that despite his worries and insecurities he keeps going and he pushes those around him on to that in his own way.   I think one of the best qualities of a man is having a no-one left behind philosophy about something/someone(s).  A man who can actively in one way or another uplift the people around him - that is a man who has my attention - that is unique - that is a diamond.

I have spent some time in this last little while especially after the quick bitter sampling of DirectoryBoy to know that my next year and a half of graduate school is not about dating - but rather it is about something more.  Oddly it's about seeing what I do want and what I don't want - and that is best done by watching.  And while I'm keeping my eye on the goings on - I'm going to be researching PhD programs - which it seems is going to be ridiculously hard given the area of interest I have - my masters thesis is going to have to be kick ass for me to find the right someone. But I'm ready. The only thing I'm desperate for is a future I feel compelled to be in.

There Is Some Tom Foolery Happening a Few Time Zones Over

Okay so I have decided to leave Directory Boy alone for one reason and one reason alone - he's sneaking around.  His main harem lady has been posting and deleting FB statuses from his home town - and now I know that sounds like I'm stalking - I'm seriously not - this is the one time the FB feed is doing the hard work for me.  I was not particularly surprised to see she had gone home with him since her family is far far away and he has a big clan so why not collect up a hot lost soul during the Christmas break, BUT deleting your FB and playing coy when the discussion of where you are is coming up as we're all trying to come up with NYE plans (I've since decided to stay home or make some money).  Sorry but we're adults - every last one of us signed up for that when we left high school - and these too both have professional degrees to boot.  So what's with the sneaky sneaky?  I mean when you're attached at the hip in class and everyone already thinks you're dating wouldn't you - one clear the air or two just make it public get a cute picture of the two of you walking the dog - I mean you felt you could say that on FB for all of 5 minutes, so who has the cold feet?

Either he is being a tool and being all coy or he is a fool and she's playing him for all she can get - which if we're being honest here ain't much - there are no benefits to be had unless these two are looking for a quick exit from the program - never mind from what he is hunting for via his FB messages to me - I know he likely considers me the loose and wild kind of woman - you can stop snickering JS at the idea of me being a wild/loose woman. I didn't say the boy was sane, just that he's hot.

Oh one more note before I lay this to rest - I did a little Googling on the DirectoryBoy seems he's pretty settled where he was before - which actually in and of itself completely crosses him off the list - I am not going through any long distance business again - X was worth it, this guy is not.

Harems

After meeting with JS last weekend to catch up, I decided that I needed to add Delivery Boy's main groupie.  It's funny adding people on FB who in "real life" will not acknowledge you - I frankly do not understand it.   After a group study event last night I realized that Delivery Boy has more than just one very protective groupie, he has a harem, or maybe more accurately a protection detail, because as much as they dote on him they're vicious to any "outside female."  Now let's review - we are all adults, this is not high school.  So going and getting your knickers in a knot if I talk to a man who is not yours -and quite frankly even if he was, it shouldn't mean that he is no longer permitted to be civil to his female peers.


So let's review here shall we - Directory Boy is a 32 y.o. man with a good education and he yet he's got a harem going on - it makes me seriously wonder about his security level - there is something going on.  I don't know what it is right now - I will keep you up to date.  Now to finish my paper.

Love Me For Me

Directory boy and I have still been messaging - but every time I send a message,  I remember that this song reflects my life - there are those who stay and there are those who run.   And while I have been very intentional in keeping my personal story for face to face conversation.   I am reminded that X loves me regardless of me and my story- and I know that if we aren't meant to be in the grand scheme of things, the thing I question more than all that is if I am prepared to go through the process again of walking someone through loving me.  I almost feel like instead of this blog I need to start writing a book on how to love someone who has been broken by life. All our stories are unique but there are definitely some days where I just want to say to everyone - man and woman - yes I have dark uglies in my life, but they have names (abuse, rape, mental illness) and they know their place (submission - they don't control my life) - so what's it to you - why does it mean you can't like me or love me?  All of the things that have broken me did not happen to you - they are not yours to carry - so if you liked me or loved me before you knew why have you stopped?

I may just have found my book topic after all these years - wow was not expecting to stumble across it while studying for my OT final - I wonder if that means I need to give my prof credit.

First Semester of Graduate School Finals Have Arrived...

So while I'm away frying the last of what remains still functional in my brain I leave you with the following.  A little background - our TA's for one of my classes in an attempt to remind us that while the end is nigh and it's not nice, we still need to laugh.  In their words - sometimes you've just got to be like the monkey.  In considering it further I don't know if that's a great word of encouragement or not - but the video makes me laugh - so maybe it all just comes out even in the end.

Sweet Mother of Baby Jebus

Directory Boy it turns out is my Mr. Perfect on Paper in flesh.  Now before y'all get upset - let me explain. Back in high school and well my undergrad - I had this mental list of MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT (squeeee!!) - the man of my dreams if I could assemble him, who quite frankly for everyone's sake, especially mine, should never become flesh.  Last night I found out that Directory Boy was/is my list man - kind of makes him unattractive now.

Hold up! Say what?!

Well here is the thing - aside from the apparent sureness of him being off the market - I don't know if I can wrap my brain around there being that person - because it comes with baggage.  The kind labelled with false expectations.  All the perfect ginger doctor hair in the world will never actually be perfect.   I am aware this all sort of sounds like a mash up of bipolar and pessimistic rantings - but such as they are - it is not to say that when I went to sleep last night I wasn't giggling.  I was, about how this is not what I expected - kind of funny wishing you could have a chat with your younger self and wondering if the list could have been longer or weirder just to avoid this moment - who would have thought -MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT wouldn't be so perfect in reality. 

Two Weeks Left

I have two weeks left in my first semester at graduate school  and so I've decided to shelve Directory Boy.  See I have two problems  - one I still love X and feel very attached to him though yes I know that because of the way things are that I need to still love him but move on with my life and the second is DBoy and I do not have the same group of friends - funny as that may sound given how small our program is.  We all know and speak to each other but due to our classes and study groups DBoy and I do not "run in the same circles" as such our daily interaction comes down to a "Hey."  As enthusiastic as it might be - it's just a hey and then we go our separate ways.  So basically if either of us wants more than a hey we have to make it work.  Good in theory - put his feet to the flame - but it also comes with serious complications of such a small program - to go out of your way to get to know someone will make waves and potentially put you in a situation where you just wanted to be friends and now everyone thinks it's a big deal - let's start planning your life - kind of big deal.


Oh well - how about we consider the following:

Oh for F-Sake

I swore I would never be that girl - never really have been in the last 3 years or honestly since high school - the avoider.  Sure I might be able to crush Directory Boy in a heartbeat but he's obviously got some kind of temporary kryptonite hold on me.  You know what - that makes me angry, frustrated and not in the good kind of way - well maybe in that way too.  It made me jealous today.  Good grief - the world is officially coming to an end.  I have really lost my sh*t.  Sorry folks - but I feel that if I document this, when I am drooling over myself in medical facility at least you will know that graduate school brought me to the brink and Directory Boy pushed me over.

While not an entirely accurate song - I do like it and it sort of works, I think - the L word though definitely doesn't apply.

Oops

Okay so what started as a simple FB question has morphed into an essay-a-thon with Directory Boy.  A boy I might add that I've spoken to for all of like 10 minutes in person - knows like a date or two date's worth of information from me over FB.  I've kept it as light and fluffy as there is no sense getting into anything he can't just ask me in person.  I cannot say that it's do anything for him though - he seems sweet but he's the kind of man we (I or any of my female friends) could eat for breakfast, post coffee intake.  We aren't mean, we aren't b*tches, we're just well strong willed.  I need a man with backbone and an ability to handle my me-ness. X could totally do this - Directory Boy as it stands sure as hell has only his abs going for him... hmpf.

I May Have Shamelessly Offered My Cooking to Directory Boy

Okay so housekeeping first - Directory Boy needs a better initial set up because DB is already taken on the list.  So just a note, so it doesn't confuse y'all we'll call him by his full name for now.

So while we might cross off him off the list of potentials - and I'm fine with that - I must admit that I did offer him some home cooking.  We just happen to be from the same randomly small ethnic group - and it has some unique-ish food.   I was a little reluctant at first to throw it out there - but I did.  So who knows.  But yep, I've become the woman who shamelessly whores out her cooking in the hopes of snagging a man.  Heck what else can I do, it's not really a program where I can just roll up my kilt, like I could in high school... not that I did that either, kind of smacks of desperation.  Ah who am I kidding offering out non-beet borscht also sort of smacks of that too, without the necessary leg shaving.

Maybe You Can Find a Cutie in the Grocery Store

Yesterday I schlepped off to the grocery store to pick up some food since the shelves around here are getting a little empty.  Of course it was pouring and so regardless of the fact that I needed to shower - I opted to just smack my signature eye liner on and head off - bed head in tow.  Of course this is the day that a cute East side boy with manners would be in the isles of our local market.   Well the good ones are taken for good reasons - and I'm sure he was off the market, or shopping another one all together.  Regardless, I just needed the smile - a remember that while Directory Boy might like them all model looking, that I'm not alone in the whole wide world of single women of respectable and worthy quality.  Heck I live with a woman who should have a line up around the block for her -and she's more single than I am.

So yep - I might have a little pep in my step - so to the boys of this world - smile occasionally, even if you have no intention of dating or even like my gender, it reminds the other half of humanity that there is life out there.

And before I get chewed out for not chatting up the boy - I put an I Saw You on Craigslist acknowledging his manners - if he wants to say hi he can.   But acknowledging good behavior is more important to me right now.

Cross off Directory Boy

BFF wants to keep him on the list - but I am going to be really practical here - he just went surfing on the island with two tall thin athletic gorgeous women.  I would never in a million years try to compete with them.  Hold on I'm not saying I'm chopped liver (seriously stuff kind of tastes okay in pate form), I am me - fabulous but shorter, curvy and athletic.  I'm also realizing not to sell myself as brash, but I'm probably one of the most "worldly" of my graduate school counterparts - I'm not as I stand packaged - or ever will be for that matter, suitable for meekness.  I am more the girl who you avoid getting liquor into because after more than a decade in the health care industry there is no such thing as that's "too personal" for me or the person I'm asking.  Yes I'm trying to change that - but being honest - I think the world needs more people who are okay with their bodies and their crazy lives.   For example, it seems people still get squeamish when I say my parents are divorced.  Divorce happens for a variety of reasons.  My parents are the kind of divorced people who don't like each other - but still think Christmas together is worth a go.  Yes because Christmas when you were married was so bloody successful.   I hope you all see know why it took the last 3 years of no holidays with family to not be a crunchy old fart when this season rolled around.

So bottom line - I have a NLLL load of stuff to do - and I am going to start with re-watching The Silence of the Lambs and before you ask it's for my film class.  I figure if I watch it in the morning, Rachel Getting Married about lunch time and the Philadelphia before bed - crying myself to sleep might actually be therapeutic.  Why I picked a director with such emotional movies for me I have no idea. Seriously I should have picked John Hughes.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/davescunningplan/2681546397/lightbox/

Oh Boy

So the hunt for a husband seems to have started again - not for me, but for my friends on my behalf.  Not so sure but whatever, I've been known to pity date, so why not humor my friends?  So Directory Boy, that's what we'll call him for now, sent me a message on FB yesterday after I commented on his wall.  I had a polite exchange with a friend of his about a video she posted.  Seriously I saw and felt no ruffled feathers - not even remotely - then again I dealt with psycho parents for the last decade so my meter for conflict is probably so busted it isn't funny. So he profusely apologized about her behaviour and didn't want me to be upset. 

Awww, right? No not really.  Why?  Because while I think that manners are gone by the wayside, I do think that a woman needs to know how to defend herself.  I'm not fragile.  Good gracious let's be honest we know some days I'm sure I could out cuss the average male.   I responded as politely as I could without saying that I could in fact out cuss him and he shouldn't be worried about my delicate nature because I'm a tough cookie.  No sense ruining him for someone soft and gentle.  

So that's my little update on him.  Why must all the boys seem so meek?

A Little More Human

I feel a little more like a human - I had dinner with Ms. J last night, I made caramel popcorn for the roommate and I just finished of the first book in the Hunger Games trilogy.  I forgot how much a junky novel makes me feel better.  I know that makes me sound like a lit snob, and I'm sorry, but for me it's an activity I like (reading) where I get to check the analytical part at the door and enjoy the process.

So now that I feel human I'm going to try and do a little update of sorts.  BFF came over on Friday because we opted against a snowy 6 am run and she had a look through our school directory.  A directory that the school jokes is how you hunt down your future spouse.  Well it got handed out on Tuesday and sure enough Wednesday someone had their first encounter post directory. Who? Me?! Yes me, I was actually dumbfounded by the whole thing and slightly embarassed.  But it's not to say I didn't sort of do the same thing on Friday I thrusted the directory at BFF and told her to pick out a husband.  Sure enough she picked the guy who said hi on Wednesday and a good friend of mine.  The friend is no an option because we're just friends.  And as for the mystery man - you now I'm going to say I'm hesitant.  There was a time in my life that a man like him on paper would have sent me over the edge gushing with excitment.  Now - well I'm realizing that in getting older and spending more time with me - getting to figure out what it is to be me - he's not all that appealing.  I cannot be the source of life in the relationship - it is not a role that an intervert can carry with any direction or certainity. At this point he's more interverted than me and that is not winning him any points.

But that's enough of all that - I would like to introduce you to PhD comics - my new source of sad yet funny humor

Exhaustion

I'm at the point in the semester where I think I could sleep for a month and not feel any more human.  That being said I'm trying to give myself a conscious go at the being better to me business because this is still the early stage of the race.

On the upside I bought Christmas cards - I figure if I start now I can actually get them out to all the people I want to.

That's about it - sorry y'all.  I promise I will let you know when something new and exciting happens - like I might be interviewing a cinematographer for my film theology class since he worked with the director I'm writing my long paper on.