A Little Known Fact

I loathe heights, they are the only thing in this world guarenteed to give me weak knees. Apparently this fear has only gotten worse, as I found out last week when walking with AB over one of the local bridges, I felt weak and of course there was something below he wanted me to see - with his arm around me I peered over, no big deal, I get it, big bridge, major traffic = basically safe. But then he had to say he'd be scared if there was no railing, no railing, now that's something I don't want to even consider... I thought about that this morning. I feel like for the last few weeks or basically last 2 months that I've been sitting on the edge of that bridge without that railing, just me out there trying to convince myself I was/am a brave girl, I can date again, I can make rational choice, I can follow my heart and my head, I am not crazy, I'm not irrevocably broken/tarnished/damaged by my past - things done to me and choices I've made. I've sat here waiting for AB to just decide to sit next to me, to make it certain that the jump is worth it, that despite what happens, I'm not jumping alone. I've talked myself around in circles night after night and now surprisingly even though it could be argued that AB is seeming more interested I am, I am turning the circle back towards the "I must be on something, he's not really interested" side of things.

So last night, thankfully I left work early, I just barely beat him to my place, just enough time to shoo AR out of the kitchen and throw the Swiffer around, I made L's favorite, and even though it turned out, even the roti's were perfect, my heart ever sank in my chest. We ended up spending the last portion of the evening sitting on the edge of my bed, looking at my book collection and photos. There were moments, but they were fleeting, and just well not those kind of moments. I walked him to the bus stop, waited for the bus - he texted me to say he was safely on the bus and while he was on the bus and when he got home and I managed to stay awake through it all. I was invited to hang out with him and his sister on Sunday, and we've agreed we'll see each other maybe before that... but it's Thursday afternoon and all I feel like doing is throwing my hands up and crying, it might be the though of Edward's granite arms are messing with my brain or the reality that something is not ready - whether that be me or AB does it matter?

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/anthonybrown/3776921104/