Single & Picky

Thinking too Much

2012-01-26T19:39:00.001-08:00

I am just getting up to speed on my 1500 page a week average an now it seems to be slowly being derailed. I feel torn - I want to do a PhD in English Literature, but I'm realizing that maybe that's just not where I really need to be... it's a really long story but well I'm just muling things over so there isn't a lot I can say at the moment about that or anything else. So I offer this quote from the assistant conductor of our local Chamber Choir - he gave a guest lecture in my culture class on music today.

"Beauty is a terrible and awful thing! It is terrible because it has not been fathomed, for God sets us nothing but riddles. Here the boundaries meet and all contradictions exist side by side." Dostoevsky

Well That Is a New Way to Ensure I'll Never Date You

2012-01-22T17:10:00.000-08:00

I had a run scheduled with two guys from one of my classes - both are marathoners - both are also children (even worse one is married and a child). Only one of them had my number and I had neither of their numbers. So of course I went on time and got to our assigned meeting place in the pouring January rain aka freezing rain... no boys.

It turns out that the one who had my number called - yes he did but he did while I was on the other line with my dad, after I was on the bus down-town - and he didn't leave a message or text me. I'm sorry but if you're going to cancel 15 minutes before the assigned time - you DAMN WELL better leave a NLLL message! So in the end my Dad and I met, ran and I all this cancelling business I just found out now. The boy who had my number is sweet but DUDE you in that one moment just got your ass seriously crossed off the list, like Sharpie over it and then cut it out of the list got taken off. You do not, I repeat you do not EVER do that.

On the theme of rain -

Living on the Other Side of the Line

2012-01-20T12:35:00.000-08:00

For all intensive purposes I am currently living below the poverty line. I knew I would be when I started graduate school. I knew that things would be tight, at times very tight. I did not expect that they would be this tight. I had to contact my church this week to ask for help - after almost two months of wrestling with the idea, knowing that despite how ridiculously tight things are right now, that there are always those who need more than I do. I have a home right? I have heat (well sort of - my landlord is stingy in that regard), I have some resemblance of health and more importantly I'm the only mouth to feed. Well in asking for help I'm realizing how socially shameful it is to be on this side of the line - regardless of how you get here. There are strings, lots of strings, and questions and judgements. All I conceptually understand are well meaning, but they hurt. They hurt a lot. They imply - they imply that I should have known better.

I guess this is also me venting at God too - I know I try to keep my faith out of this blog - but I guess in all this hurt, is the question of where is the provision? And if this is the provision why does it hurt, why does it come with shame and guilt attached to it? Isn't that counter to everything that is who you are? Funny somewhere in this I know there is an answer - just feels beyond reach at the moment.

This is not a hand out moment but may be a moment to remember that when you judge a person on the other side of that poverty line - the world on this side is full of enough hardship without that and for better or worse I now know that first hand.

Wear and Tear

2012-01-11T21:20:00.000-08:00

My room-mate and I were having a discussion about younger men this past weekend. I have been trying to get my head around the idea of dating someone younger for two reasons. One because I think someone completely sweet is interested in me. I think he's nice and I because I think he's nice I might on the off chance that there could be something more consider a date. If he asked - at this rate he is definitely moving at a snails pace. And who knows maybe the idea of dating someone 4 years older is a little bit of an issue for him - aside from him being smaller than me in every way. That issue aside - in a general sense I know there are some really good catches at school they're just all in the 4-8 years younger range. If you're wondering why the gap - there are a lot of new straight from their undergraduate people and then there are the rest of us near or over thirty who have worked or done other degrees - I having done both. At the end of the conversation, my room-mate and I agreed that the age isn't so much of an issue and the life experience. I want a man with a little wear and tear in his life, especially on his heart and soul. I think your twenties are the time you bash yourself around a little bit, you figure out first hand why you believe something, why you love and even more generally what you love. And while I don't think there is anything wrong with young people getting married - they normally do the experiencing together or they're completely oblivious to it. But as someone well beyond that, I am very aware of what my decade-ish difference in experience has provided me with.

So bottom line - as cute as that 22 year old is, as charming as he might be - I cannot in good conscience even consider it knowing in the back of my brain, I'll be thinking of how many miles I've put into life, when he's still in many ways still just figuring out the basics of momentum.

How Desperate Are You?

2011-12-31T14:25:00.000-08:00

I am beginning to think the relationship game is really fuelled by desperation. More specifically our male peers have settled on the belief that the woman they need to settle with is a woman they can live with and she cannot live without them. That is not relationship - that's a recipe for infidelity, jealously and bitterness.

Who are we kidding? Why do we let ourselves get into this game? We all know in the end he never stays with us and always goes back or on to that kind of woman. I want a man who thinks I'm beyond him. Not in the sense that he thinks I am too good for him - but I think our partners in life, should have the same qualities as our best friendships. Note I did not say they should be our best friend - I think that is a bizarre idea - marrying your bff. If that was the goal - Ms. J and I would have shacked up a long time ago - but we haven't because love is not like that - it's not the stuff of bf friendships - though yes it has some of the qualities. One such quality is admiration/awe/challenge for example Ms. J and well JS and N too - are kick ass, take no prisoners women in their own rights. I love that in a man - a sense of I know who I am, I know what is awesome and I am going to pursue that - because more often than not - it is completely unlike what I want or feel comfortable with.

Take X for example - he sings and plays music, he speaks other languages - he has this something, I don't know what it is, that despite his worries and insecurities he keeps going and he pushes those around him on to that in his own way. I think one of the best qualities of a man is having a no-one left behind philosophy about something/someone(s). A man who can actively in one way or another uplift the people around him - that is a man who has my attention - that is unique - that is a diamond.

I have spent some time in this last little while especially after the quick bitter sampling of DirectoryBoy to know that my next year and a half of graduate school is not about dating - but rather it is about something more. Oddly it's about seeing what I do want and what I don't want - and that is best done by watching. And while I'm keeping my eye on the goings on - I'm going to be researching PhD programs - which it seems is going to be ridiculously hard given the area of interest I have - my masters thesis is going to have to be kick ass for me to find the right someone. But I'm ready. The only thing I'm desperate for is a future I feel compelled to be in.

There Is Some Tom Foolery Happening a Few Time Zones Over

2011-12-29T19:51:00.000-08:00

Okay so I have decided to leave Directory Boy alone for one reason and one reason alone - he's sneaking around. His main harem lady has been posting and deleting FB statuses from his home town - and now I know that sounds like I'm stalking - I'm seriously not - this is the one time the FB feed is doing the hard work for me. I was not particularly surprised to see she had gone home with him since her family is far far away and he has a big clan so why not collect up a hot lost soul during the Christmas break, BUT deleting your FB and playing coy when the discussion of where you are is coming up as we're all trying to come up with NYE plans (I've since decided to stay home or make some money). Sorry but we're adults - every last one of us signed up for that when we left high school - and these too both have professional degrees to boot. So what's with the sneaky sneaky? I mean when you're attached at the hip in class and everyone already thinks you're dating wouldn't you - one clear the air or two just make it public get a cute picture of the two of you walking the dog - I mean you felt you could say that on FB for all of 5 minutes, so who has the cold feet?

Either he is being a tool and being all coy or he is a fool and she's playing him for all she can get - which if we're being honest here ain't much - there are no benefits to be had unless these two are looking for a quick exit from the program - never mind from what he is hunting for via his FB messages to me - I know he likely considers me the loose and wild kind of woman - you can stop snickering JS at the idea of me being a wild/loose woman. I didn't say the boy was sane, just that he's hot.

Oh one more note before I lay this to rest - I did a little Googling on the DirectoryBoy seems he's pretty settled where he was before - which actually in and of itself completely crosses him off the list - I am not going through any long distance business again - X was worth it, this guy is not.

Harems

2011-12-13T11:21:00.000-08:00

After meeting with JS last weekend to catch up, I decided that I needed to add Delivery Boy's main groupie. It's funny adding people on FB who in "real life" will not acknowledge you - I frankly do not understand it. After a group study event last night I realized that Delivery Boy has more than just one very protective groupie, he has a harem, or maybe more accurately a protection detail, because as much as they dote on him they're vicious to any "outside female." Now let's review - we are all adults, this is not high school. So going and getting your knickers in a knot if I talk to a man who is not yours -and quite frankly even if he was, it shouldn't mean that he is no longer permitted to be civil to his female peers.

So let's review here shall we - Directory Boy is a 32 y.o. man with a good education and he yet he's got a harem going on - it makes me seriously wonder about his security level - there is something going on. I don't know what it is right now - I will keep you up to date. Now to finish my paper.

Love Me For Me

2011-12-09T14:12:00.000-08:00

Directory boy and I have still been messaging - but every time I send a message, I remember that this song reflects my life - there are those who stay and there are those who run. And while I have been very intentional in keeping my personal story for face to face conversation. I am reminded that X loves me regardless of me and my story- and I know that if we aren't meant to be in the grand scheme of things, the thing I question more than all that is if I am prepared to go through the process again of walking someone through loving me. I almost feel like instead of this blog I need to start writing a book on how to love someone who has been broken by life. All our stories are unique but there are definitely some days where I just want to say to everyone - man and woman - yes I have dark uglies in my life, but they have names (abuse, rape, mental illness) and they know their place (submission - they don't control my life) - so what's it to you - why does it mean you can't like me or love me? All of the things that have broken me did not happen to you - they are not yours to carry - so if you liked me or loved me before you knew why have you stopped?

I may just have found my book topic after all these years - wow was not expecting to stumble across it while studying for my OT final - I wonder if that means I need to give my prof credit.

First Semester of Graduate School Finals Have Arrived...

2011-12-08T17:49:00.000-08:00

So while I'm away frying the last of what remains still functional in my brain I leave you with the following. A little background - our TA's for one of my classes in an attempt to remind us that while the end is nigh and it's not nice, we still need to laugh. In their words - sometimes you've just got to be like the monkey. In considering it further I don't know if that's a great word of encouragement or not - but the video makes me laugh - so maybe it all just comes out even in the end.

Sweet Mother of Baby Jebus

2011-12-05T11:10:00.000-08:00

Directory Boy it turns out is my Mr. Perfect on Paper in flesh. Now before y'all get upset - let me explain. Back in high school and well my undergrad - I had this mental list of MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT (squeeee!!) - the man of my dreams if I could assemble him, who quite frankly for everyone's sake, especially mine, should never become flesh. Last night I found out that Directory Boy was/is my list man - kind of makes him unattractive now.

Hold up! Say what?!

Well here is the thing - aside from the apparent sureness of him being off the market - I don't know if I can wrap my brain around there being that person - because it comes with baggage. The kind labelled with false expectations. All the perfect ginger doctor hair in the world will never actually be perfect. I am aware this all sort of sounds like a mash up of bipolar and pessimistic rantings - but such as they are - it is not to say that when I went to sleep last night I wasn't giggling. I was, about how this is not what I expected - kind of funny wishing you could have a chat with your younger self and wondering if the list could have been longer or weirder just to avoid this moment - who would have thought -MR. OMG HE'S PERFECT wouldn't be so perfect in reality.

Two Weeks Left

2011-12-02T11:37:00.000-08:00

I have two weeks left in my first semester at graduate school and so I've decided to shelve Directory Boy. See I have two problems - one I still love X and feel very attached to him though yes I know that because of the way things are that I need to still love him but move on with my life and the second is DBoy and I do not have the same group of friends - funny as that may sound given how small our program is. We all know and speak to each other but due to our classes and study groups DBoy and I do not "run in the same circles" as such our daily interaction comes down to a "Hey." As enthusiastic as it might be - it's just a hey and then we go our separate ways. So basically if either of us wants more than a hey we have to make it work. Good in theory - put his feet to the flame - but it also comes with serious complications of such a small program - to go out of your way to get to know someone will make waves and potentially put you in a situation where you just wanted to be friends and now everyone thinks it's a big deal - let's start planning your life - kind of big deal.

Oh well - how about we consider the following:

Oh for F-Sake

2011-11-29T16:58:00.000-08:00

I swore I would never be that girl - never really have been in the last 3 years or honestly since high school - the avoider. Sure I might be able to crush Directory Boy in a heartbeat but he's obviously got some kind of temporary kryptonite hold on me. You know what - that makes me angry, frustrated and not in the good kind of way - well maybe in that way too. It made me jealous today. Good grief - the world is officially coming to an end. I have really lost my sh*t. Sorry folks - but I feel that if I document this, when I am drooling over myself in medical facility at least you will know that graduate school brought me to the brink and Directory Boy pushed me over.

While not an entirely accurate song - I do like it and it sort of works, I think - the L word though definitely doesn't apply.

Oops

2011-11-28T22:37:00.000-08:00

Okay so what started as a simple FB question has morphed into an essay-a-thon with Directory Boy. A boy I might add that I've spoken to for all of like 10 minutes in person - knows like a date or two date's worth of information from me over FB. I've kept it as light and fluffy as there is no sense getting into anything he can't just ask me in person. I cannot say that it's do anything for him though - he seems sweet but he's the kind of man we (I or any of my female friends) could eat for breakfast, post coffee intake. We aren't mean, we aren't b*tches, we're just well strong willed. I need a man with backbone and an ability to handle my me-ness. X could totally do this - Directory Boy as it stands sure as hell has only his abs going for him... hmpf.

I May Have Shamelessly Offered My Cooking to Directory Boy

2011-11-27T17:58:00.000-08:00

Okay so housekeeping first - Directory Boy needs a better initial set up because DB is already taken on the list. So just a note, so it doesn't confuse y'all we'll call him by his full name for now.

So while we might cross off him off the list of potentials - and I'm fine with that - I must admit that I did offer him some home cooking. We just happen to be from the same randomly small ethnic group - and it has some unique-ish food. I was a little reluctant at first to throw it out there - but I did. So who knows. But yep, I've become the woman who shamelessly whores out her cooking in the hopes of snagging a man. Heck what else can I do, it's not really a program where I can just roll up my kilt, like I could in high school... not that I did that either, kind of smacks of desperation. Ah who am I kidding offering out non-beet borscht also sort of smacks of that too, without the necessary leg shaving.

Maybe You Can Find a Cutie in the Grocery Store

2011-11-27T13:56:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I schlepped off to the grocery store to pick up some food since the shelves around here are getting a little empty. Of course it was pouring and so regardless of the fact that I needed to shower - I opted to just smack my signature eye liner on and head off - bed head in tow. Of course this is the day that a cute East side boy with manners would be in the isles of our local market. Well the good ones are taken for good reasons - and I'm sure he was off the market, or shopping another one all together. Regardless, I just needed the smile - a remember that while Directory Boy might like them all model looking, that I'm not alone in the whole wide world of single women of respectable and worthy quality. Heck I live with a woman who should have a line up around the block for her -and she's more single than I am.

So yep - I might have a little pep in my step - so to the boys of this world - smile occasionally, even if you have no intention of dating or even like my gender, it reminds the other half of humanity that there is life out there.

And before I get chewed out for not chatting up the boy - I put an I Saw You on Craigslist acknowledging his manners - if he wants to say hi he can. But acknowledging good behavior is more important to me right now.

Cross off Directory Boy

2011-11-26T09:46:00.000-08:00

BFF wants to keep him on the list - but I am going to be really practical here - he just went surfing on the island with two tall thin athletic gorgeous women. I would never in a million years try to compete with them. Hold on I'm not saying I'm chopped liver (seriously stuff kind of tastes okay in pate form), I am me - fabulous but shorter, curvy and athletic. I'm also realizing not to sell myself as brash, but I'm probably one of the most "worldly" of my graduate school counterparts - I'm not as I stand packaged - or ever will be for that matter, suitable for meekness. I am more the girl who you avoid getting liquor into because after more than a decade in the health care industry there is no such thing as that's "too personal" for me or the person I'm asking. Yes I'm trying to change that - but being honest - I think the world needs more people who are okay with their bodies and their crazy lives. For example, it seems people still get squeamish when I say my parents are divorced. Divorce happens for a variety of reasons. My parents are the kind of divorced people who don't like each other - but still think Christmas together is worth a go. Yes because Christmas when you were married was so bloody successful. I hope you all see know why it took the last 3 years of no holidays with family to not be a crunchy old fart when this season rolled around.

So bottom line - I have a NLLL load of stuff to do - and I am going to start with re-watching The Silence of the Lambs and before you ask it's for my film class. I figure if I watch it in the morning, Rachel Getting Married about lunch time and the Philadelphia before bed - crying myself to sleep might actually be therapeutic. Why I picked a director with such emotional movies for me I have no idea. Seriously I should have picked John Hughes.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/davescunningplan/2681546397/lightbox/

Oh Boy

2011-11-23T17:06:00.000-08:00

So the hunt for a husband seems to have started again - not for me, but for my friends on my behalf. Not so sure but whatever, I've been known to pity date, so why not humor my friends? So Directory Boy, that's what we'll call him for now, sent me a message on FB yesterday after I commented on his wall. I had a polite exchange with a friend of his about a video she posted. Seriously I saw and felt no ruffled feathers - not even remotely - then again I dealt with psycho parents for the last decade so my meter for conflict is probably so busted it isn't funny. So he profusely apologized about her behaviour and didn't want me to be upset.

Awww, right? No not really. Why? Because while I think that manners are gone by the wayside, I do think that a woman needs to know how to defend herself. I'm not fragile. Good gracious let's be honest we know some days I'm sure I could out cuss the average male. I responded as politely as I could without saying that I could in fact out cuss him and he shouldn't be worried about my delicate nature because I'm a tough cookie. No sense ruining him for someone soft and gentle.

So that's my little update on him. Why must all the boys seem so meek?

A Little More Human

2011-11-20T12:49:00.000-08:00

I feel a little more like a human - I had dinner with Ms. J last night, I made caramel popcorn for the roommate and I just finished of the first book in the Hunger Games trilogy. I forgot how much a junky novel makes me feel better. I know that makes me sound like a lit snob, and I'm sorry, but for me it's an activity I like (reading) where I get to check the analytical part at the door and enjoy the process.

So now that I feel human I'm going to try and do a little update of sorts. BFF came over on Friday because we opted against a snowy 6 am run and she had a look through our school directory. A directory that the school jokes is how you hunt down your future spouse. Well it got handed out on Tuesday and sure enough Wednesday someone had their first encounter post directory. Who? Me?! Yes me, I was actually dumbfounded by the whole thing and slightly embarassed. But it's not to say I didn't sort of do the same thing on Friday I thrusted the directory at BFF and told her to pick out a husband. Sure enough she picked the guy who said hi on Wednesday and a good friend of mine. The friend is no an option because we're just friends. And as for the mystery man - you now I'm going to say I'm hesitant. There was a time in my life that a man like him on paper would have sent me over the edge gushing with excitment. Now - well I'm realizing that in getting older and spending more time with me - getting to figure out what it is to be me - he's not all that appealing. I cannot be the source of life in the relationship - it is not a role that an intervert can carry with any direction or certainity. At this point he's more interverted than me and that is not winning him any points.

But that's enough of all that - I would like to introduce you to PhD comics - my new source of sad yet funny humor

Exhaustion

2011-11-18T08:14:00.000-08:00

I'm at the point in the semester where I think I could sleep for a month and not feel any more human. That being said I'm trying to give myself a conscious go at the being better to me business because this is still the early stage of the race.

On the upside I bought Christmas cards - I figure if I start now I can actually get them out to all the people I want to.

That's about it - sorry y'all. I promise I will let you know when something new and exciting happens - like I might be interviewing a cinematographer for my film theology class since he worked with the director I'm writing my long paper on.

Life is Funny

2011-11-15T17:05:00.000-08:00

As of Thursday I hadn't seen Mr Beer Man anywhere else on campus and today he's everywhere and he has a real name - not that that matters - he has no FB. Seriously men, get FB. It's a necessary recognizance tool. But whatever - because well I don't have time for him or anyone - even myself it seems. I finally went for one of the first solo runs of this semester yesterday. Crazy I know. I forgot how amazing it feels to just do a 3 mile lung burner - just put it out there and then come home and fling myself in various ways over my BOSU ball. Sweat is a good thing. Another good thing - new music. Florence + the Machine and the Fray both have new music. Thank freaking goodness. On that update like note - the Fray. Now back to my regular scheduled program of getting papers done! Woot me.

Damn You Celiac

2011-11-11T21:25:00.000-08:00

It's one of those ask and ye shall sort of receive moments. I was slaving away in the library last night, and I was trying to find out how to bail on the dinner plans I had agreed to since all I wanted to do was sleep. But instead I hauled my ass and all my bags down to the local pub. I being late got shoved on the end of the table - fair enough. Well actually lucky me - a guy who is apparently in my program, also in his first year (could have fooled me), sat down next to me. Well this is where I want to curse my inability to drink beer. He offered to buy a pitcher for us to share (has a Tennessee accent - darn accents...). I polietely as possible declined ordering my usual Cranberry and Vodka. He seemingly dejected or unsure, moved along the table when the opportunity arose.

I'm not going to assume anything will come of it since we don't seem to cross paths at all during our classes. But it makes me wonder - to my few readers out there, how to you negotiate food issues without coming across high maintenence or picky. It might just be me feeling sensitive, but I don't like being signalled out for something I didn't chose. When I was a vegan I had no problme with declaring it, but now I feel like it's one more label I'm schleping around with me that gives a guy an excuse not to like me.

In case you're wondering I don't even remember his name - nor does it seem that he has FB, so I can't even stalk him... don't judge I know you've done it too.

Correction

2011-11-10T16:40:00.000-08:00

Actually I do want to date - if said date gives me a reason to shave my legs and wear a skirt/dress and heels. I miss feeling like a lady. That is all. Seriously who wouldn't want an excuse to wear these gorgeous shoes or something like them - since buying them is obviously not an option...

Lonely

2011-11-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

While honestly I'm too tired or hungry or even busy to be lonely, it seems to be the biggest void in my life at the moment. I feel like in the last two months I've found the insight into why undergrads can have a tendency to shag an entire dorm floor or what have you. There is a huge need for affirmation - in any form in the chaos, uncertainty and stress. There is no amount of personal comfort solutions (whatever those might be for you) that fill the void of a snuggle with a man you love and snuggles also mean a relationship and seriously I have zero desire for that.

I will not say that there aren't nice males here -sure there are - but I have no desire to schlep any of them into my love triangle of still loving X and knowing that while I can keep loving him, in doing so prevents me from genuinely loving someone else, and moving on feels like I am closing a door on X and I don't want to do that. Yes I have myself in a huge pickle. Let's ignore that pickle for a moment. Basically I want intimacy and I know I cannot get it anywhere - this is grand!.

So I'm stuck - and I feel like I'm loosing my mojo because of this stress. If life was a romantic comedy a male from the other side of the library would pass by and well alas I'm not going to finish that statement as that's another pickle and that pickle is in the library and so am I.

Actually correction - I am going to tell you about that pickle since N found it so hilarious she almost fell over with laughter while we were running. About two weeks ago Sunday, my PU and I were about to sit down when I recognized the Pickle* at the other end of the pew. We said our hi's and explained and yadda yadda. Well Pickle was next to a little toddler who sits with her mom in front of us every Sunday (Pickle rents a room from them it turns out). Well my PU seeing Pickle with a cute little toddler - glommed onto him after the service while I talked to an old middle school friend I hadn't seen in years. After we left I got a huge run down on Pickle's life - my PU knew more than I had learned in the last two months, and it was a specific list. Did you know Pickle likes to drink kale smoothies? No, no I didn't. I could see that he had sussed out Pickle. Seriously my father was trying to scooch me off to another man! Here's the deal - Pickle is nice and all - but we are SO different and beyond that he's younger - much younger. I am not prepared to apply for my cougar ticket yet, I refuse. When I saw Pickle in the library after the event I apologized as I was mortified that there might have been some goats or sheep transactions for my hand or something already. So ya - I'm lonely but fine with not dating... so does not make sense to me.

* Yes I realize this is a rather unfortunate name.

Stress you are stressing me out!

2011-11-02T15:22:00.000-07:00

Stress does weird things to me. Namely it NLLL with my food cravings - derailing a weekend worth of work in meal preparation - I cannot stomach any of it and even worse it makes me want to make out with someone - well not just anyone, but someone or a replacement lesser someone, since X is not around. Just a good snog, nothing more needed, no emotional attachment. Bizarre yes. I completely get it's weird but some part of my brain is like if you just could find someone to scratch that itch you'd be able to focus on your Celtic history. Seriously I know that's the sleep and stress seriously NLLL-ing with me but it's not that I would turn it down.

Good gracious that sounds really desperate - thanks a lot graduate school for making me a horny mess - but thanks graduate school for being so small that I wouldn't be able to return tomorrow if I acted on my brain issues. That being said if you know where I am and want to hunt me down, I'm good to go, nothing funky for lunch was had, and I'm a habitual gum chewer...

This November Season...

2011-10-31T15:28:00.000-07:00

I don't normally talk about anything political, I normally keep things to my self as an act of respect. But I must be honest, I struggle with Remembrance Day. I understand that there are many passionately for it - I understand that in many ways and yet in many others I do not. I am the child of two parents who saw the effect of war as children, as the enemy, we praise men for killing, on behalf of our freedom. We think it is simple. We think that wearing a red poppy is a simple act. It's not. For me it's an act that says we do not understand. We do not understand the depth of pain that a bullet has regardless of whose gun it is shot from. War is not simple. It is not about sides, it is terrorism on all sides - removing humanity in those who claim to do it for freedom and those they oppose.

I am not saying you should not wear a poppy, but remember those men, like my Opa, who was the enemy, and his children - my mother and her siblings who while in Canada witnessed hate and retribution on the playgrounds and classrooms to the grocery stores. They are my heritage and they are the reason my parents raised us as pacifists. My family is the reason I wear a white poppy on Remembrance Day, no blood should be shed in the war games the politicians play.

New Song

2011-10-29T15:14:00.000-07:00

I love this song! I love Sara in general and am so cheesed that I missed her in concert - I had tickets but couldn't go for some reason I cannot remember...

Grad School Diet

2011-10-28T12:32:00.000-07:00

X was so proud to tell me that the Paeds Resident diet has been working for him. It might be - it's making the concerned ex-gf in me panic every time I hear about how long he has gone without eating. But apparently graduate students have their own diet... involving the following:

1. No Alcohol-if you're an unemployment graduate student you may dream about vodka like your on a deserted island without any fresh water, but no dice. Actually I do have a little residual stock in Ms. J's freezer which I'm keeping there for the sake of rationing. As an aside I don't have time to be drunk or hung over these days so thus only the dreaming of the booze.

2. Budget meals - now I am getting retty savy with the keeping things cheap business but the best meal is a grande Americano misto snuck into the library about 10 - it will keep you going until 6 when the library closes and you're too damn tired to eat when you get home, so you go to sleep. Ta-da it's a version of the residency diet. You offset your malnutrition with a handful of vitamins and toast in the morning.

3. Fried food - when you do get to eat all you want is to stuff enough comfort carbohydrates down your yap that you will stop dreaming of them (thanks JS for helping me with this last night).

Yep so X might be right - I may just be on track to really shed those Undergraduate pounds while I pack on the debt... as long as the debt isn't on my ass I'm fine with the exchange.

In case you are a graduate student to be - it's not all that bad, actually if you can have gluten and egg whites and all sorts of other things you'll be just fine - the place is swimming with free food, all sorts of free food that would give me an expensive trip to the hospital down the street.

Thanks Ovaries!

2011-10-06T11:18:00.000-07:00

According to "reliable sources"(Cosmo et al), you are your most subliminal-y hottest when you're ovulating. Now, I can seriously say I do not normally agree with anything in Cosmo - it is after all a magazine that survives solely on republishing the same drivel month after after in new forms - all of it preying on our internal Madonna/Whore dichotomy.

Nevertheless - back to my ovaries - apparently they are working right now. I had some nice eye contact with a handsome man in the Starbucks line - totally a moment.* The one that impressed me more though was as I was on the packed express bus dripping with sweat (our driver dressed in shorts was determined to offset the cold outside - dude it's time for pants). But of course I had my purse, laptop, e-book reader and a cup of coffee all more or less balanced on my lap. It doesn't really leave room for the removal of one's jacket. I did manage to get one arm out but I couldn't seem to navigate the second one. That is until this extra hand appeared removing my coat. Manners! In a young man nonetheless! He said, "It looked like you needed help, didn't want you to spill your coffee." Seriously I could have hugged him - I felt like my thank-you was not enough to convey how refreshing it was to have someone be kind, especially someone of his age and gender.

But back to the at moment.* The reason I give credit to my ovaries and not my personal awesomeness is well I am a graduate student - and we for the most part do not always look awesome. I know you can say who am I to generalize. True. Very true. But compared to the corporate world - the ladies in the Starbucks line in pencil skirts, lots of leg and heels (gorgeous heels), who am I? His attention actually made me acutely aware that I feel naked now that I'm not in the corporate world. I miss my corporate clothes. I miss the security that came with those high heels and skirts. Now I'm just the very adult woman trying to figure out the world of skinny jeans and flats. All that being said, as much as that moment in Starbucks made me uncomfortable, maybe it's an indicator that I'm doing okay in this new world, at least aesthetically speaking - as for grade wise - well that remains to be seen.

Falling for You

2011-10-03T11:28:00.000-07:00

All over again - what is it that makes us go back, and back again and back again. It's the question I keep asking myself when I look around at the men in my new peer group. I have this reoccurring thought, y'all are not X, so why bother. Sure this really is not tragic - it is not like I have time to even consider dating. But the question is then why are X and I just not together. Well that's a simple yet complicated answer. I think the bigger question is when do we give ourselves the freedom to move forward when we weren't the one already moving out of the relationship?

I had no problem with CEF or really any other the other guys in my life I had to deal with - I was able to in one way or another rationalize the process - shut the heart down and move on. Even when I cared and still care for the individual like BI - I was still able to know that we would be friends and that was all - and furthermore that that was okay - that was the best thing for both of us. I know both of us, BI and I can say that with no doubts - we were and are better as just friends.

So what happens - how do you shut down your heart when you do not know how to. I know how to get angry - that's how I dysfunctionally dealt with AB - get mad and burned over a long enough period of time and you eventually get closure - to burn, cut, chafe every thing that bound you two together until you get freedom. With X I do not want that - I do not want to go down a road of systematically removing him from my life by any means possible. I still love him - and there is no good reason I have found not to.

Friends have told me that maybe I'll just keep loving him until things work out. The thing is - I don't think that is right. Maybe I am wrong.

Dear Children (aka Undergraduates)

2011-09-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

Okay, little children I am aware that there really is only about a decade difference in age - but somehow in the last decade I've learned some information you've yet to learn, so let me pass it on to you.

Clothes are a wonderful thing. Yes I am aware American Apparel has spent the better part of your teen years convincing you that you can really walk around in public like you do. See the thing is they are selling soft core porn with the benefit of airbrushing. You, however, live in a northern country not a magazine advertisement. So could you please consider for the sake of humanity and yourself consider that the following are not wise choices.

No nipples: I do not need to see yours - I am not talking about what can happen when we're cold - no I mean like I do not need to see the size and color of your nipples. So this unfortunately means you need to consider a bra. Yes I know being liberal and educated means no bra in your mind. Maybe in the 70's this was the correct assumption - this however is no longer a correlated relationship.

This goes for the men too - good gracious and in hopes of all things holy you should never ever EVER wear a chiffon black button up shirt. And this definitely should not be paired with an epically shoulder padded blazer.

No Hooker Socks: These are hooker socks. I am aware that Toddlers and Tiaras thinks that bringing Pretty Woman back is a good idea. I don't think so. Why? Because it seems to let you think in the middle of a freezing cold day that you can wear hot pants and hooker socks and that they somehow equal pants. They don't. Just put them and the hot pants away for so many reasons I need not explain.

No Tights as Pants: Tights are NOT pants. I know there is a delusion that they are - you want to know why they are not. They stretch. That means when you bent over in the bus this morning we saw the pattern on your knickers. For reals. Also, they get into places no pants would ever enter - to clarify in case you cannot figure this one out. For the sake of your lady bits do not wear tights - that area is designed to be free of fabric. No one, not even your partner or your gyne needs to see your camel toe. There, you happy, I said it.

No Summer Clothes: I know we get a very short summer and we all think that if we just ignore the rain and the wind that it will be fine. But seriously I don't want to see your blue toes in muddy flip flops or you squeezed into a romper that would have been questionable on you in your adolescence.

Y'all sweet children are in university now which does not mean that it is time to leave your brain at home and whore yourselves out. Yes I know you will have classmates who believe that whoring is the way to a good or at least an easy grade. I hope you also know that universities are worse than high schools for gossip because the professors and TA's do not have to worry about any legal issues in talking about you. You are no longer a minor. That means when you have your ass hanging out in that chemistry lab in an attempt to shag a TA someone will find out, or a whole lot of someones.

Another One Bites the Dust

2011-09-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

OM got married this weekend. I'm not going to dwell on my feelings of creepiness at the whole affair and rather just say I'm thankful I didn't once again lose my head and that have been me and more likely, have been invited to the wedding. I think it's only appropriate that all women who might have dated the groom, or even been awkwardly hugged by him in his unfortunate mom jeans should not be invited to his nuptials.

I cannot say I wasn't a little stung at being still single - don't we all want to get down the isle before someone who snubbed us - especially when there was no damn good reason to be snubbed other than well... I digress, no discussion of creepiness.

I have found myself trying to accept the men around me as fine if they are messy. I know that sounds weird and let it not be construed as I am caving in desperation. There is no caving and there is no desperation. I am just realizing though some may definitely be certifiable, that I need to just deal with their presence in my classes or social circles. Now that being said, let no single man get any ideas that I have any more pity dates to hand out - BV used my life long allotment. And really even if for some reason I wanted to do say get out for a evening I would much much rather a night with JS or Ms. J or hell any other woman in my life right now - plus it's almost hockey season - I get all the men I want that way - at a distance, hot and sweaty, playing my favorite sport!

Now for an unrelated song recommendation from X - all about my FAVORITE thing in this world:

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One Week Down...

2011-09-15T21:14:00.000-07:00

*DEEP CLEANSING BREATH*

This week had left me last night in the fetal positioning, crying. Well they did warn us it would be difficult and I as usual committed a personal crime by under estimating the initial energy output and not preparing regardless. I had a huge list of little and big things to do this week - like buying a printer and hauling it home on the one day this week I decided to wear heels. I thankfully managed to get it set up with very little stress. However, this purchase brought into focus the fact that my student loan had yet to come through. So that got me thinking - when should it come in? So I Googled and found conflicting answers - all indicating that I should have had my money already - so I started calling - waited 20 minutes with one number to be given another number to call them and then at 8pm I was cut off even though I was on hold. Yes I know that is the end of your business hours but how about you don't take calls after that time rather then dumping those on hold. So I emailed them and found out that it wouldn't have mattered I needed to call Ottawa... geez. I managed after a whole bunch of craziness and multiple calls to get someone in Ottawa - and I am getting my monies - just going to take a while. *SIGH*

But really all that does not compare to the mind busting-ness that graduate school has been thus far. But you know what I can survive that - I however, cannot abide the pretentious asshats that are coming out of the woodwork left and right and well up and down too. Seriously men folk we went over this last week in the protocol discussion, you don't ask asshat like questions. You DO NOT offer a 10 minute personal treatise on a subject and then ask a broad non-direct pseudo question just because you wanted to either hear your own voice in a microphone or two try and sound smart to your professor. Neither are good reasons, trust me. Instead we giggle and roll our eyes and pray that the professor puts you in your place - as most did in the gentlest of ways. I however am not one for coddling fools and this is going to be interesting in time... very interesting.

So this once again reminds me to send a little post card to all the little old ladies who swore up and down I would be married after the first semester if I was single - if that is the case I would have been married before I got here. Why? Because I would have married CEF or the next tool available. Don't get me wrong there are nice, polite guys - they're just either married or too young or too old or that and married...

Off to bed - I need sleep so badly I worry it may have lost me and it will be a night like the others this week.

PS. This is not for X - He is fabulous - but rather for all the crazy dipshits that I'm dealing with these days.

Oh Really?!

2011-09-12T20:55:00.000-07:00

I promised Just Sayin' I would get my ass back into the blogging world - so here I am y'all. I start school for reals (thus ending the last time I can use that phrase) tomorrow. But before we get there I would like to address something.

In the months leading up to school I had dozens tell me that school would be equal to a field full of 4 leaf clovers with unicorns frolicking through double rainbows for men. Basically in a world full of almost substandard men that I would find intelligent, sauve, intriguing men - X clones but "so much better." I wish I could bring all those people to campus with me. I don't know what they were all sniffing but seriously folks - they're all married and those aren't - well aren't because well natural selection is still in play. Case in point. The second day of orientation at coffee break I found myself next to a second year student taking advantage of the free food. We started to "talk" - I wouldn't call it easy for him, but whatever there were words coming from his mouth.

Dude: What program are you in?
Me: MCS Interdisciplinary
Dude: Oh, so you're in the choose your own program (scoff)
Me: You?
Dude: MDiv (pause) I need to go.

Now I know it is hard to convey his tone. Yes I am in the flakiest of the programs - I am also in one of the most difficult ones since I have to chart my own course - I have to have a vision of what I want to do from the start and start digging it out on my own because no one in the concentration will have the same end result. But really that is not the point - I for some bizarre reason thought that in a school with 50/50 gender representation that the men would be more liberal for lack of a better word. But I guess while there is a world of men looking for their perfect piano playing, long skirt wearing submissive pastor's wife there is a world of men looking for their MDiv counterpart. Yes dear while I'm bouncing children off my hip we're going to discuss the nuances of Ancient Greek translation.

I was seriously taken aback at the reality that I will not be accepted as an equal as X has done. I guess it's a good thing that I still have all my feminist texts at the ready...

PS I miss X - I really miss him.

Changes

2011-09-06T18:14:00.000-07:00

I started school today, I quit work on Friday and X and I are no longer a couple. And I all I want in all this change is him. He is an amazing, sweet, smart, handsome, talented, funny and gentle yet strong man. A man I am crazy about and I know I will always be to some extent or another - there aren't a lot of great men in this world. He even bought me amazing jewelry I will cherish with no hints whatsoever. So why? Why didn't I jump on the next plane? I cannot bend time and space - we are in different time zones, different countries and different life journeys and we could go on living with 5 minutes of bbm and the occasional Skype date as the glue, but the glue I really need more than anything is knowing in the nights I have anxiety and nigh terrors that I can cling to him and not my cold blackberry. If I could have I would have bent everything imaginable for this man - but maybe for us that just isn't enough.

They are right - I just wish I could have held on longer.

One Hot Mess

2011-08-05T17:42:00.000-07:00

I realized today that large retro sunglasses were not designed for blocking out sun, no they were designed to hide the quiet tears you have while on the train. Why was I committing a cardinal transit sin - open displays of emotion - X missed his flight to see me. X had is own NLLL day which resulted in that moment - his car dying in the middle of the freaking state - seriously honey one more reason you don't live in the middle of freaking nowhere - but neither is his fault. I am tired from the crying. I know I won't see him for a while - maybe a long while. I feel horrible for him having to fix his car - his vacation being consumed by a belt (one more reason I don't drive - no car maintenance but this isn't the time for that either). So I'm drinking Rose from the bottle, making the pie I was going to make this weekend for Ms J, her beau and X and wondering what cosmically happened today.

Bottom line if you hear really loud sobbing and Lady Antebellum from the East side of town just leave me be - I'll be okay - seriously.

Did I mention I miss him? Did I mention CW thinks that the only way he can make it up to me is with this:

Funny girl - though I might really like that - I would much much rather just be able to wake up next to him tomorrow and every day after that if I had my way.

You'd Think We Were Past This

2011-07-30T19:46:00.000-07:00

L stopped by yesterday afternoon to chat and see her old home. In our conversation about relationships - the freedom I have with X - he treats me like an adult that can take care of herself - go figure, I am. Then it came up that CEF was the opposite - he is the opposite of X in every way - which is why I'm still with X and I would like to never hear from CEF again. Now we've discussed why I blog anonymously, why I am more vague than I really should be, my militancy about secrecy apparently is about as effective as the US/Canada boarder. It works most of the time, but well there are moments you do not ever anticipate.

Like I never anticipated that CEF would contact L's husband on FB.

My first reaction was what did he tell him, thinking please Lord I hope he didn't tell him anything of significance. That information made me realize that I cannot seal myself off perfectly - ever. Stupid Google, FB and even Twitter - I cannot guarantee that I won't find myself face to face with a man that would likely make me soil myself or just bolt. Hopefully I just turn and channel Kara Goucher and hope that no one is with me because I'm going to be one seriously hot mess after it all.

I keep hoping that we've put enough time between us - it's going be 3 full years this September. I just wonder - what happens when I get into graduate school elsewhere - away from family - my name will be Google-able - what then? Do I change my name? Do I tell my future school I've got a CEF I don't want showing up at my office hours? Or am I still talking and walking like the same wounded woman I was 3 years ago. I am not sure which is worse to be honest.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fragiletender/5333864895/

Changes

2011-07-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

Sorry for my negligence of the blog - more changes - I just signed over all my future hypothetical progeny to the government and bank - yes it is officially really official. So much after giving my future to the government I found myself standing in H&M trying to figure out what the non-business world wears on a regular basis. I didn't think it would be so hard to switch the worker out of my brain - I mean I am counting down the days until I leave my job (SO excited), so should I be excited to give away most of my work clothes and shoes I really don't love and replace them with jeans, cardigans and flats? Apparently it proved too difficult to make that mental transition, the debt pricetag in my head definitely put the breaks on too.

So instead I came home and started purging, cleaning and reorganizing - yes the OCD in me comes out in full force when there is stress to be processed. On that note - I found 3 frames that need insides - I would like to have inspirational quotes in them.

So lovely people enough about my stress - what words inspire you?

Everytime I wear my stilettos I'm reminded of this song

2011-07-23T12:12:00.000-07:00

I hope you find the joy you spent your life giving with your art, but never were able to personally know.

Dear Future Employees

2011-07-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

Remember your future boss might be (probably is) on Facebook. Just a word of advice, you may love Playboy but we run a family friendly company, so try to avoid the bunny being your profile photo.

Sad or Maybe Secretly Happy

2011-07-20T12:22:00.000-07:00

AB and I are still FB friends, so when his relationship status change came up, I being an ex, decided to check out who has officially come after me. Hmmm... she's his ex-roommate for whom he had nothing good to say about to me, apparently her antics and drama where so outrageous /unbearable that he moved out. The relationship actually does not at all surprise me. AB has a thing for these kinds of women, they came before me, so it is no surprise that they or she would come after. The question more for me is - so was I a moment of sanity or insanity for AB? Was I the 30's something part of his brain, saying time to man up and get a girl who doesn't lie, cheat, starve because she doesn't have a stable job and parties all the time. Or what I the experiment with on of those "straight-laced" kind, the rebel relationship equivalent for a hipster? Whatever I was, I am smirking, because honey your 30's may be the new 20's, in some respects, but it doesn't mean you should keep repeating the same mistakes. Good luck AB, not sure whether to hope you don't get an STI or hope you knock her up and it straightens you out, or neither. Let's go with neither and a splash of possible infection.

Audiobooks aren't working for me

2011-07-18T11:34:00.000-07:00

I tried to listen to Middlemarch on a free podcast - it was a disaster. I am feeling a little hopeless about the prospect about finishing the book. Given that feeling, I shelved the book and picked the next one up in the to read pile (I have about 6 books required for graduate school I've been cycling though - I'm stuck on all of them). I picked up A Clockwork Orange. I understand that it is a "required" or even "recommended" read. However, the book is in a whole other dialect - it's a hybrid of English and an English/Russian mix. More to the point, it has a three page glossary to go with the book. I had started to just translate the book, skimming for all the foreign words and penciling in the English versions. While it isn't a long book, it isn't short either and as such I gave up and shelved the book. I opted to rent the movie, in the hopes I would get a handle on the story and be able to grasp the book. I stopped after 20 minutes of the movie. A Clockwork Orange, like Martin Amis' Money is one of those books I cannot abide. I respect that it is art and like all art it does not need to or even strive to appeal to everyone. But who does it appeal to is my question.

Work Issues Aside

2011-07-14T15:24:00.000-07:00

Well not quite aside, of the twenty plus resumes we've received today, only 3 have been via fax and of those only 2 submitted hand written cover letters. So I guess I dodged a bullet, I don't have to weed the pile down to a half dozen to interview because so far I only have two candidates.

But it's not about the work, this is about that dastardly book called Wuthering Heights I've been having an epic struggle with. The struggle has ceased thanks to iTunes which offers a FREE (though I would have paid) audio book service for classics. It is a partnership with universities which offers a chapter by chapter reading of classic texts. Okay so I didn't technically "read" the last 6 chapters of the book, however I did listen to them while doing my GRE math preparation. I am actually considering using the service for other classics that I cannot find the patience or desire to get into like Middlemarch or EM Forester's works like A Passage to India, which are on my "to read" pile.

A Note from Your Future Boss

2011-07-14T11:04:00.000-07:00

I manage a small business currently - that all will be ending in about a month or so, however, before we get to the joy of freedom I get to go through the hell of year end, hiring and training both my replacement and another staff person. I posted an advertisement which stated that ALL resumes are to be received by FAX with a handwritten cover-letter.

Before I continue I must *sigh*, now can I reiterate that you will not be considered for a job in my office if you cannot follow instructions. I already have one employee who refuses to do so, I (and my replacement CW) do not need another.

So that being said, you're already in the trash pile when you email me. You're even further into that pile if that is even possible when you have typographic errors, colloquial statements and emoticons in your non-handwritten cover letter. I am sorry to sound all serious and dower but I am not your "BFF," I am your semi-future boss (I'm still doing the hiring at this stage regardless of who is actually in management after). I absolutely refuse to accept a resume from someone who has yet to grasp the concept of a first impression. It makes my blood boil that there is an inability to work for job. Yes dear Gen Yer's you need to put out effort for an interview.

I've got to go purge the 10 emails in my inbox right now and maybe drink a little. For those in management what are your biggest pet peeves about the hiring process?

Wuthering Heights, You're going down

2011-07-11T11:40:00.000-07:00

If you don't follow me on my unrelated Twitter account you probably are completely unaware that I laid the challenge down to Wuthering Heights, it was Bronte or me. More specifically I was prepared to not pick up another novel from my stack until I had finished Wuthering Heights. I had started it many times but always found myself throwing it in the bottom of the "to-read" pile, only to find it on the top a few months later. This time I knew I had to take it out of circulation permanently. I would have acheived that this weekend if not for my chronic migraine of late and my GRE preparation. Yes the GRE has the power to seduce me away from a novel these days. I know that I need to get cracking on both my reading and my studying so that come September the procrastination novel stack will be gone and the GRE will be prepared for as much as possible.

*Fingers Crossed*

Holiday, What Holiday?

2011-07-06T16:12:00.000-07:00

I was suppose to have this week off. I stress the word SUPPOSE. Obviously that didn't happen and I will be working 4 1/2 out of the 5 days this week. On my one day off I get a phone call from my boss who is on vacation - so much so that he cannot return an urgent email, that I need to go into work to let our computer tech person in to fix some damage the power outage in these parts did. Um no. I am not busing an hour each way to let him in, he can come tomorrow, we are all closed remember. Well thankfully CW was willing to sacrifice her day off to do it... How soon is it before I'm free from this job?

On top of that annoyance I get an email from the PU I don't talk to often. Yes she birthed me, but she's also birthed a lot of other crazy since then. She's all bent out of shape I didn't invite her to my convocation. She went on FB and decided in her head it was this big freaking party that she got left out on. Yes I marched across the stage in my glorious pursuit of more debt - but it was only Ms. J and my other PU present. We took some pics and Ms. J and I bused back to our hood went for food at our local diner. I had worked that morning, and in the end the whole thing was more about doing it, to say that after 10 years I was really and truly done - it wasn't about her. Why the hell does it have to be about her? I know you're going to say I should have invited her. What for? So she can drive 2 hours to see me on a stage for 5 seconds? or so I can uninvite my other PU who lives 5 minutes away? No way am I putting those two next to each other if I have a choice. I know my wedding whenever that is will be hell enough with those two going at each other about who was less horrible a PU... I know that I'm being a b*tch. But some days I just feel like when did these two think that they are entitled to my adult life when they sure didn't think they should be involved anytime before I turned 20? You missed your chance.

Blog Men Update

2011-06-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

Just because I am not single doesn't mean that I don't still have man issues. Not X issues and even if I did we have agreed not to blog our relationship problems... whatever, not the point.

BB is the point. He posted on FB this week, that he up and moving. I knew this day would come, boy has roots as deep as a azalea in this city. I know he wants to be any where but here. That being said while he loves another major city in this part of the world I doubt that it's going to fill the void. So I sent him off with my best wishes that he finds what he's searching for - maybe he'll find a shrink along the way too. I mean that with with care - I know it sounds bitchy, but I've been there - you can run all you want, if the shit is in your head, it's not going to help you one bit. I really do wish I could have helped the guy out but there was just no way to do that and not end up with a bloody mess on my hands. As for the whole no more free coffee, it's probably a good thing for me, my waistline and well me - I was tired of feeling like I was cheating on BB with X. Yes you read that right - I had a relationship with my barista while I am in a relationship with X. I felt like BB was hoping the next free latte would be the one to send me over the counter and into his arms... oh honey, if it was a JJ Bean latte maybe.

AL: Well he pops in and out of my life. Look maybe I'm just too damn civil, or maybe FB allows men I'm vaguely friends with to comment and reappear in my life I don't know. I find it unnerving. It's like AB knows not to comment, not to talk to me. I might BBM AB once every 6 months to make sure he's alive but I normally comes down to a few terse answers back and forth and fizzles out. Well AL I think just bugs the bajeebers out of me due to our history - the more I look at the more I feel like I was being seduced for a pity something. To ask me on a date on the heels of knowing your friend and I got very whatever and he's intent on breaking my heart because he's a man child seems cold, calculated and oh ya who you are - Mr. Serial Cheater.

Aside: So reading through my old blogs I realize I have lost my writers mojo - happiness and writing do not mix - and now Virginia Woolf makes even more sense to me - you've got to be repressed, bitchy and drinking far more then you should and off the hormone pills to for that matter to get the kind of kicky, snarky and aptly observed stuff out there. So now the time has come for me to find another source, or just to switch to drinking and blogging.

For you X:

The Long Weekend Cannot Come Soon Enough

2011-06-28T08:55:00.000-07:00

Ms. J and even X to some degree insist that I spend too much time on culinary websites/detours. I contest that there is a really good reason for my searches - you never know what you can find. I went searching for a cooked vanilla strawberry jam recipe to make this weekend and found this website. That is an amazing discovery.

But that aside I am looking forward to a chunk of time so that I can plow through Wuthering Heights. I am half way through and I declared to the world and Twitter, or maybe that is the world, that I would not read another book until I finished Wuthering Heights. I needed to motivation to just do it, to get invested in it like I did Love in the Time of Cholera. I find that if I am not in a class where I have to read a book, if it doesn't grab me I shelve it. I have been known to shelve a book multiple times before I read it all the way through. Fingers crossed I don't shelve it once more.

Even worse then being stuck without good reading material, I realized that I might have to work in September after all. I do not want to work. Seriously I do not want to try and balance work and school. But that being said unless I find a benevolent benefactor or rent out my uterus I am not going to be able to afford school. Gah. So the plan at the moment is to consider looking for bursaries etc - I don't know what my chances are but being denied is better then not asking.

On the topic of money and work/life balance - well actually it's not really on that topic at all - my PU has started running! So glad he's got the old man belly going on and that is not good for anyone, especially him. So because I'm a mean daughter I've convinced him to sign up for his first half marathon. Bazinga! I managed to bring one person unwittingly over to the dark side. We're going to be hitting up SoCal in November - so really I don't know how dark side it really will be...whatever - will be updating you on the joy that will be my life trying to get my PU up to the 13.1 miles.

Too much to do, too little time - and don't even get me started on the GRE - oy vay.

Warm Fuzzies

2011-06-20T08:41:00.000-07:00

My home city got its warm fuzzies on after a horrific week and I'm proud that we did. But beyond that I don't really have anything to say because I don't want to dwell on either mob that has arisen, those rioters or the courts of social media who has now decided to start vicious acts on the rioters, their families and homes. Justice is not found in acts of rage regardless of what incites that rage. So on that note, lest I go all pacifist on everyone.

Behold:

So if you need to get some pent up riot frustration out today that hasn't been pancake breakfast, post note on police cars, plywood graffiti or hug a stranger out of you, then just go blow up a green pig with an angry bird.

Nervous?! Who is nervous?! Surely not I?!

2011-06-15T14:41:00.000-07:00

So it all comes down to this, eh? I remember the last time so clearly - too clearly to be honest - the tears, the fingers crossed, all of it. This time boys please win that inch so that the end result is different.

I am adding this to deflate the nail crunching and kvetching that is happening around town, if you haven't notice Hockey Night in Canada has been playing it as part of their pre-game.

I know I'm weird

2011-06-13T12:54:00.000-07:00

I don't think X knows how weird I can be, but I'm okay with that - I honestly don't think that I need to let him in on every inside joke or more so subject him to everything I share with my girlfriends. Ms J and I love to use 80's colloquialisms - it's our thing. T and I have known each other through more shit than I think any man could or would need to understand. That is okay - I know there are moments where I want to say stupid things to X and then realize it would require way to much contextualizing so I say as I would to anyone other than Ms. J. It's actually kind of nice to share something special with all the people that are unique and special in my life...

So on that note, I'm going to let you in on a little secret *clears throat* I like to look at home decor and mentally plan my home. I know this isn't actually weird. Maybe it is completely normal, but I've pretty much got the whole thing clear as day in my mind. Problem is I'm a vintage loving girl with expensive taste. Yep, oh honey if only you knew how amazingly talented I am at finding normally the most expensive item in a room. Now that being said I don't buy those things - I'm not senile.

So I just look at sites like this:

Where they sell things like this for crazy expensive prices and why would I pay $54 for 6? Because they're PINK! You think I'm joking don't you? Oh if you only knew...

Rough Spot

2011-06-02T11:10:00.000-07:00

I get scared easy - I hear that relationships have rough patches and that you need to move through them, I understand that, I understand it to my core - and yet I feel like I'm staring down the crazy anxious woman I was in 2008 and I am starting to become incredibly scared.

I miss X. I feel like I'm coming unhinged, I miss him that much and yet I feel like we're emotionally as far apart as we are physically. I honestly don't know couples did long distance in a world of letters and slow transportation. All I hear is that I need to let him go, let him do what he needs to do at school/life and if it's meant to be that we'll find ourselves in the better time and space. I understand that conceptually - I do not however understand that emotionally. I've become a crying fool at my desk because like the true Gemini I am my heart and my head have decided that WW3 needs to be fought here and now and I'm too damn tired to stop either party.

I am away ya'll...

2011-05-20T13:41:00.000-07:00

I am off with my honey bunny, X, (yes dear I called you that in a public semi-permanent format - deal with it) to see him graduate (CONGRATULATIONS! *muah*) and hang out with his family and peeps. Also important to note, one whole week away from work, though I will have my crackberry...

Tootles!

Our Song?

2011-05-17T14:26:00.000-07:00

Taylor Swift informed me that relationships need songs. Interesting? Well first of all I like Taylor Swift so sue me - I do nasty accounting and I like to listen to something as fluffy as humanly possible but not quite Disney, and maybe I just like that she writes nasty tell all songs about all her exes. It's like we are soul mates! I write blogs and she writes songs, only difference is there is a few million in revenue that she gets - fair enough it is a little more difficult than what I do around here.

I have no problem finding break up songs, some days it feels like I have more of those than Charlie Sheen has had one morning/day/evening/evening stands. And of course because I say that, y'all are going to think X and I are rocky. We are not. I think the reason for the dearth in break up songs is just because they're so damn easy to write. Love songs are more complicated. The process of saying I love you seems to be so much more drawn out and complicated than saying "I hate you," "I need to find myself," "NLLL off you cheating NLLL" and so on and so forth.

So here is my lovely collection from the past

This song belongs to a man who rarely if ever has found himself on this blog - maybe because I got out all my rage when I burned his stuff - let's just say poor BI had to help kick me into exorcising him.

Oddly this song I think collided with my dissolution with My Mr. Big - yes it's Avril, but when the Music video channel has to fill their content with X amount of crappy but national content, you get to hear these kids of jems over and over and over.

In the months post CEF I realized that while I didn't have a post breakup song, nor did really want to - I just wanted to forget it all. However, I did find this song so relevant as time went on and he still wouldn't go away that there were times I was incredibly tempted to quote it in its entirety

Well we've dealt with AB before and honestly if I have to hear another Lady Antebellum song from that time in my life I might do something very non-ladylike.

Sure John Mayer has lots of break up songs - but I have to say these are the ones that come to mind. So here we are at the end of a post about break up songs and I'm at a loss for a LOVE song about X.

Any I love you songs in your repertoires?

This song was on the radio this morning, it's a little dramatic and I sure as heck do not want to be anywhere near a cabin, I am a city girl through and through.

I'm A Lit Geek

2011-05-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

I get it. I think most people who spend an extended conversation with me get it, really quickly, for some. I have opinions - some of which hurt the hearts of the ones I love - poor X (I didn't like the book he bought for me as a gift and yes I could have lied but BSing my boyfriend to the extent I would have needed to is even more cold and damaging to me)... onwards. At dinner last night Ms J's man asked what I am going to graduate school for beyond seminary... and then the thesis comes out along with discussions on everything else literature related.

In all this graduate school talk there is always the question, so what are you going to do with THAT. Yes a MA is still a THAT degree. Well dears, I do not hope to teach high school students. I would like to teach college students who understand the glorious importance of Beowulf and well the whole canon and how it shaped all the layers of development and experimentation. But here is the issue I am realizing, those students don't exist. They used to, but they don't now. The education system is more or less abysmal, so high school teaching here I might be coming in an attempt to give our university professors something to work with.
Here is the reason for this change of mind:

http://shitmystudentswrite.tumblr.com/

http://croserun.tumblr.com/post/4417060448/okay-i-see-this-impression-from-my-students (felt I needed to add this too)

I will say do not drink coffee and read this, please for the sake of your gorgeous laptop.

Medical Update

2011-05-10T14:19:00.000-07:00

I try to keep my medical updates to a minimum as not to depress me or you - but yesterday was another medical day. I got to have my eyes dilated and have my freckle examined. Yes my fair and freckley skin means that I have a freckle in my eye too. Now I learned yesterday, courtesy of the nice retinal surgeon that my freckle is likely always going to be benign. If it was a mole we'd have a problem I should be concerned about. However, that being said I need to have it routinely examined to ensure it doesn't become malignant. I am not worried about the potential of cancer as much as I find it funny. Don't get me wrong cancer isn't funny, however for my body, to have it be a spot in my eye that has the potential to be it just seems to fit to my weirdness.

So yep I could end up with a melanoma in my eye and I don't know what that would mean - but I do know it's the future, and like all things in the future - I don't need to dwell on them.

PS Wondering where the freckle is? It's that dark pigmented area in the middle

Photo: http://www.matossianeye.com/site/blog/detail/2010/09/02/a-freckle-in-your-eye.html

Music!

2011-05-10T10:31:00.000-07:00

I was in Starbucks yesterday flirting for my free drink and I heard this come on - I'd heard it before but it took me until the chorus to remember it and then well it was stuck in my brain.

Life is a little upside down at the moment and I definitely get anxious when that happens - the internal fight to right all that is happening gets incredibly strong which just snowballs everything. I've been getting busier with friends - and I do like that but I find it can be emotionally a little chaotic. Add to that my roommate has gone tree planting for at least a month and now I have an empty home again... and the GRE, stupid books keep taunting me and so on and so forth and I feel like I'm drowning a little at the moment. All I want is X to turn the world right but that's not going to happen any time before the 20th and even that trip is making me anxious.... gah *DEEP BREATH* So while I find a paper bag to breath into, check out this song

Carrying Along

2011-05-03T13:27:00.000-07:00

I am slowly recovering from my silly cold and now just dripping ever so slowly but still enough to have a Rudolph esque nose... as such I felt it was time to share something less educational and more fun. I completely and unabashedly love the Big Bang Theory.

http://youtu.be/boIzNJnvpPw

http://youtu.be/sqzIeS239jw

http://youtu.be/ffQSDMjQrkM

I Feel Like This is a TED obsessed blog

2011-05-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

FOOD!

2011-04-27T11:02:00.000-07:00

I love food. I love cooking food. I love teaching others the beauty of food and its simplistic beauty, of wonder of fresh and local food. Because of those loves, I have a special place in my heart of Jamie Oliver.

Advice to a Younger Me

2011-04-26T09:25:00.000-07:00

I mentioned a few blogs back that I have things I would like to say as the new town whore of the FB group I am questioning myself for being a part of.

My first piece of advice - Date. Sounds bizarre to some but I was raised in a culture that said date only for marriage. I agree with the idea - don't date a douche you see no future with... however, this idea has been socially translated into, date ONE person, as in THE ONE. There apparently is no room for error, no room for coffee dates with men who you haven't made your BFF or background checked via the CIA or what have you. Yes there is this crazy belief that because you should only date for marriage that dating in and of itself is sinful or indulgent.

Actually it's incredibly practical.

1. It teaches socialization - the same skills you have to harness for a date with a relative stranger are the same ones you have to harness for job interviews, meeting new people in general, company events, meeting parents and the list goes on. Yes you are not going to go on to kiss your interviewer, company representative or future in laws, but you are going to start in the same place with all of them - positive not too personal small talk. You learn how to with confidence stick out your hand and say Hi my name is SP, it's nice to meet you....

2. It teaches you want is important to you. I could tell you that I love books, but you already know that. But you know what? I REALLY love books. BV didn't like to read. I found that out and the conversations started to fumble. They fumbled even more when I found out he was apathetic about his incredibly cool sounding job. You can love your God/gods all you want but if you are a bummer to be around then I'm sorry that is not enough. I hear women say it's a turn on to have a man who loves God. You know what? It isn't really - a man who knows what he believes and is passionate about EVERYTHING in his life is a turn on. And by passionate, I do not mean off the walls happy, but genuinely interested/invested/knowledgeable etc.

3. It teaches you that you are worthy. In dating I found I learned the key phrase - I am worthy of more than this. Yes I was able to say that early into AB and my relationship and ignored it, but if you say it enough, it's the dull blade that frays the relationship cords. You break a relationship slow and rough like that and you end up with two adults who go on without each other, rather than the yo yoing that happens when you cannot say those words.

4. It refines your gay-dar and your general understanding of chemistry. You might be BFF's. But I will tell you stand across from someone you don't know at a party and find yourself feeling that I must talk to this person, get to know them etc. Now go look at the BFF. Doesn't matter that you've devoted all this time getting to make sure he's the right one to date - if you don't have the juice to make the reactions work, it doesn't matter. Seriously. If you fight me on this, let me direct you to CEF.

Rough Weekend

2011-04-25T13:08:00.000-07:00

I came home on Thursday night fried. I meltdown in those moments. I know it, I can see these moments coming from a mile away. So I spent Friday on my back watching Spooks. I was not going to see people if I didn't absolutely have to. Of course family dinner was on Friday night - and I did okay.

This weekend as a whole has been sort of heart breaking too. I miss X. There was a time in my life when distance in a relationship - the spacial difference wouldn't have hurt. But now it does. We're really busy people and we carve out time for each other the best we can. I don't feel neglected. That is not the feeling I have but rather a sense of jealousy that others can roll over and see their love's face in the morning. Or go for dinner with them, a walk, a talk in person and so on and so forth. The feeling comes and goes. Right now I think it smacked me upside the head as Ms. J has a suitor now. He seems great, but a part of me sees what we don't have in seeing their relationship unfold. Would I change things? If I could sure - but the only thing that we could change right now is not on the table. I don't have any desire to walk away from this even when it is the pits in these moments. I know some would say I'm stupid. That there is a world of men who live in this city who would be perfect. They might possibly be correct. HOWEVER, I believe that at some point you make a choice. You stop looking. Yes we could all spend our lives endlessly searching because we want every little piece to be absolutely perfect. But that isn't the way life or relationships work. Rather you have two dynamic, evolving, changing and failing people who are dedicated to each other - to grow together and work out and through the process of life... I am rambling. The point is - I miss X but I know that it's worth it - the miles and miles.

Sorry Long Time, No Blog

2011-04-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

But I am here now to do some kind of simplified epic update of sorts:

1. Went shopping last weekend with Just Sayin' - awesome woman, funny, gracious and witty - you should check out her blog. We weren't successful shopping though - and this is where I will say, if you ever are having a meh day shopping, try it again. Case in point - I was trying on some dresses and in the end I was in like with them, but not love and the prices while reasonable, weren't eye catching. The same with some shoes I saw... and so on and so forth. However,

2. Went shopping with A (new roommate) and we did extremely well at the B and JF. At JF I purchased a black trench, 2 cardigans and a dress for X's graduation or his niece's christening all for 100 with tax. At the B, I purchased a pair of Nine West heels and a pair of Ralph Lauren dress stilettos for 180 with tax - saving $90 due to sales. Before I have X or Ms. J down my throat - the Nine West are black peep toe pumps, useful for EVERYTHING and the dress stilettos? They go with my NYC dress!! The darn well annoying to find shoes for Grecian purple/cornflower blue dress bought in Greenwich Village.

3. Started studying for the GRE again, this time I need to find the desire to just do it. I will let you know if that desire is at the bottom of my Americano

4. Started contact lenses. I have access to free contacts with my job, and figured it is high time I get used to them so I am not doing the glasses/sunglasses thing all summer - seemingly having one on top of my head and the other on my face at all times...

5. My soon to be ex-neighbour has apparently found herself a girlfriend after the last 4 years of really minor dating. Fabulous right? Well see the thing is, they like to shag really loudly every Saturday morning. And to the men who think it's a turn on, it's actually frightfully embarrassing to hear it with the clarity as if I was standing next to their bed. I have found that I need to either stay in bed until about 10:30/11 or go for a run and then return to my room with noise.

6. I have become the town whore in a FB group that a mentee of mine set up. She's young, naive and green as they get - all the things I was at her age (well less so but close enough) and she's asking very personal though important questions of those women older than her. The problem is these are the kind of women who believe feminism is evil, birth control - of any form is abortive (Lord have mercy on my soul for the anger that statement causes to swell), and that courting not dating is the way to go and that dating in general is wrong. I could honestly write a whole blog in and of itself on all the craziness that is their beliefs and how they have NOTHING to do with my faith or anything. However, I've come to realize that they're what seasoned users of social networking call trolls. And you don't feed the trolls. So I might just feed you all my answers as to why I think birth control is a good thing, or why I think we should date and no date does not equal screw the entire human race, contrary to some people's opinions *le sigh* I am cutting myself off, you get the point

7. Oddly I know there is lots more but that's about it for now

Today's Song

Life Changing

2011-04-18T20:13:00.000-07:00

This talk has seriously challenged me - I hope you get a fraction of what I got from it

Fashion Advice

2011-04-14T11:30:00.000-07:00

I am looking for a little advice from you wonderful people. I have X's graduation and a wedding this summer along with other events. I have learned in my few years of adulthood that there is always a need for a good (solid) dress. What I mean by that is not a cocktail dress (though they are extremely important) and not a cotton summer dress/winter sheath, but that thing in between. I was thinking I had found it and now I'm not sure - behold:

It wouldn't be this colour or this length - but the point is a convertible dress. I was looking at a short deep navy colour. It goes for about $80 on Etsy. For the longest time I thought it was brilliant and now with things being a little crunched I'm not sure if in the end I'm better off buying something from H&M for half the price and either not using the other half or putting it towards other summer gear.

Let me know what you think. I will also say I'm a little apprehensive ~~as Etsy has burned me in the last little while~~ correction Customs has burned me by holding packages for 3-4 weeks longer than projected on everything I've purchased from Etsy. I do not want to invest in something so crucial not to have it come or even worse look right.

Slightly Overwhelmed...

2011-04-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

Life seems to be picking up the pace these days and I'm not sure I like that idea. I actually really don't like it. I feel like I'm failing everyone including myself, especially myself at my inability to balance and do everything that needs to be done.... *gah*

But oddly I still feel the need to pass on something - 10 Most Frequently Challenged Books from last year. Now you might not be aware but every public and school library has books that can be challenged and removed from circulation. Book banning makes me mad. I will say that it makes me mad on the level it makes PETA mad every time a chicken becomes a KFC meal (and for the record that doesn't make me happy). It actually makes me mad on the level that whatever PTA I'm apart of will likely egg my house out of frustration with my insistence that no book should be banned. I know there are going to be people who say that they are not appropriate for children. Read the book then yourself and have your child/teenager read it and then discuss it. Ideas are not lethal if they are discussed and challenged. They are only destructive if we do not equip ourselves and those we are responsible for with ways of negotiating, challenging and respecting or accepting them.

As an aside number 10 on the list is Twilight. I will admit I have read the series. There is nothing remotely offensive in the series - there is implied sex AFTER marriage, and there is violence which is described but not by any means graphic. So what in there has the after 12 year old not be exposed to in the advertising media? Books like Twilight as much as I loathe them, they are easily consumable, like Harry Potter, and open children/young adults up to the wonders of reading if they haven't found it already. So bugger off crazy parents. That or pick up a classic - Beowulf, Chaucer, Shakespeare, Vanity Fair and the list goes on because everyone one of those entrenched classics has at least one of the following: racism, rape, violence (bloody at that), sexism, cannibalism, elitism, homosexuality, transgender issues/themes, adultery and the ism's go on.

Okay my rant is done, carry on now - hopefully to your local library.

You Wouldn't Think

2011-04-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

That a weekend spent in a hospital room would be exhausting. I love Ms. J and would stay as long as she needed me there - but it's hard to see her dependent on others. But she is doing really really well in the grand scheme of things.

But this blog isn't about how awesome and strong she is, though it should be - it is about a video that I needed to see this morning. A friend of Ms. J's and I posted it on her FB. Now I'm not a huge fan of FB but when it means that I get to hear something like this - something that almost made me want to cry and shout amen and nod along in silenced awe/overwhelmedness. She is, that, will be, makes me, and and will and want to be and and and there is no one sentence that will come from my mouth. So listen while I try to untangle the sentences from my mouth.

Don't Make Promises You Cannot Keep...

2011-04-07T11:18:00.000-07:00

I believe that's the saying... I confess I will likely fail at keeping my promise to keep blogging in the next little while.

My bestie Ms. J has a brand spanking new hip and as such I'm going to be spending my next few days sneaking food into her, watching movies and giggling about the hot doctors (there better be hot doctors). As such I won't be here.

And when I'm not here I'm going to be studying for the GRE again - good gracious I thought I dodged that bullet, *le sigh.* X and I started talking about the future - not like that kind of future but sort of - it's the even more challenging and complicated future.

See I like to plan, but in recent years I've beat down the planner in me so much that I think I'm afraid of planning. I'm afraid of saying yes to things - of quite frankly dreaming. I feel like when I get into dreamer/planning mode I forget the present, I forget my commonsense, and I find that the world I try to dream/plan into existence is founded nowhere in reality. In the end I guess the more I dig into this relationship and my future the more I realize just how damn burned I am/was by the whole CEF process. Some moments I find it's like realizing not only a scar I wasn't aware of but a whole abscessing wound. And then there are things that I thought I was afraid of that I really never was... *le sigh times deux*

X and I got into two little arguments if you will call them that last night - one about the cost of his graduation shirt - apparently he's neglected the part of growing up where dress shirts aren't found on the sale rack at the Gap, they cost money because you're an adult and looking like a schlumpy 19 year old is not acceptable at 30+. But we'll discuss that later. The other one was why am I doing two years of seminary, when seminary is ultimately just a middle man/point for my MA. Good question. One that actually didn't really sink in until this morning.

I'm not sure. I think when I set out to do my two years I was in a completely different place - I was single and I was (still am) really happy with the way things are here community and friend wise. When I became unsingle I didn't see the point in rushing off to apply anywhere. I don't plan on moving to be with X unless we are married - plain and simple. It's a huge move, it's a lot of paperwork and it's not going to be for us just to try things out. X agrees but thinks I should just apply in his general area - so we are close but not living together. Here is the sticky thing. The schools I want are on the West coast... they all require the GRE and I'm feeling royally overwhelmed.

I know this all doesn't really make sense. I guess what I mean is I understand that the most practical option is for me to apply for MA programs this Fall, but I think I'm just scared out of my gourd for that whole process. I once was a jump and deal with it girl, now I'm one who realizes that there are still open wounds from the last time I did that.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/elizacate/3393159650/sizes/z/in/photostream/

I'm Back I Promise

2011-04-04T12:15:00.000-07:00

I have a very busy past few days and this week and the next few weeks at that will be very busy. But I promise to stay around for even short moments.

So X was in town this weekend, and the weather cooperated, sort of. It was definitely whirlwind - I tried to make sure it wasn't crazy busy - we didn't do any sites like the MOA or Aquarium etc, but we did manage to find the days full and passing by too quickly. I will give all the gushing details later, right now I have a case of the sads along with a case of the WTF is going on outside weatherwise and gah it's Monday, and well all those combined along with a still angry tummy about it's heavy inadvertant dosing of gluten will result in crying at my desk. Crying in public is something I'm trying avoid after yesterday.

Moving on Ms J gets a brand spanking new possibly pink (secretly praying it's pink) hip on Wednesday. So excited for her to be back kicking asses and taking names or whatever she normally does but can't do right now because she still cannot quite fire her delinquint hip bone. So thank goodness I have that to look forward to - that woman will keep me sane in these moments.

Anyways, life moves on, so I'm going to offer these lovely songs for you - the first artist cd was from X and the second we share a love for - they have two songs on their newest album that always make me think of X (and I am still looking for these ones online...) and last but not least what I felt asleep thanks only to Gravol yesterday as I clutched his tshirt... okay so that made me sound worse than it is... seriously I'm in one piece

Original Version

Random Updates

2011-03-31T10:14:00.000-07:00

1. X comes into town tonight - WOOT, so excited and I have SO SO much to do... gah, laundry coming out of my ears
2. That gel nail polish has held up thus far - I've washed dishes with gloves (no dishwasher or man servant)- to help it out, as a whole I support it - no signs of wear and tear after one week.
3. IUD hurts - for the love - I'm trying to figure out if it really hurts because I was cramping post insertion before my cramps started, if it's bad period (which we all know happens from time to time) or if this really is going to suck like this...even worse, I found out no tampons. It's one of the greatest insults to not have that option.
4.I hope that's the last of the IUD updates...
5. As Victoria has said, since when did it become the end of March? Seriously?
6. Jane Eyre, The Bell Jar and Fahrenheit 451 lost out in Out of Print Clothing's Book Madness. I feel literary-ily heart broken. Why people? WHY?

Don't Have Much to Say

2011-03-28T14:16:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say - I have a lot on my brain at the moment.... but while I'm silent, I'll let this lady sing - and she can most definitely.

On a Happier Note

2011-03-26T09:57:00.000-07:00

I got my nails done yesterday. Now you may assume that I'm a high maintenance girl and that I would normally have my nails done. I don't. I normally think that it is a waste of time and energy. I think that regular nail polish is a lost cause on me - I do not have a dishwasher and I handle charts, papers and type a lot... Gel nails? Well I have healthy nails and I'm cheap.

However, I heard of gel nail polish from a co worker, which is the happy medium. I get a manicure and nail polish that will last longer than a day for the price of a regular manicure. I will let you know how it goes.

Avert Your Eyes if You Are Sensitive

2011-03-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

I had an IUD put in this week. JS wanted an update on the whole process, so I will do that. I will say that I chose to get one because while I might be OCD in many other places of my life, my ability to remember a simple little pill, especially not when that little pill made me certifiably cray-cray. So I had the options of do nothing, which really isn't an option, get Depo-Provera injections or an IUD.

So I wanted Depo - it seemed simple, a shot every 3 months. Yes it had it's risks of bone loss and extended infertility post stopping. I could handle those, I couldn't handle the apparently 30-50lbs weight gain that came with the shot. I was flabbergasted when I was told that by my GP. Given my propensity for weight gain I knew I would be looking at the 50lbs end of things. Good Lord - no thank-you. So I opted for the IUD. Now there are two options - there is the "cheap" option of the non-hormone copper IUD. This option just disrupts implantation in the cervix. Because there is no hormone it does not relax the uterine wall (reducing cramping) and it also does not decrease lining creation. The scarier thing is it does prevent ectopic pregnancy.

So I opted for the Escalade priced option. Now yes it is expensive but after a year it works out to be cheaper than the pill and it lasts for 5 years - if I need it in there that long. The hormone is localized, so there is no systemic issues related to the pill or Depo. It reduces cramps and periods and some women have their periods stop altogether. So now to the hard part - implantation. I will say I had a wonderful gyne - he was incredibly thoughtful, gentle and funny. If you want to know who it is, I am happy to pass on his name.

So I will say, since no one warns you - one the box is HUGE, so don't be shocked when you pick it up from the pharmacy - it's all applicator, two take at least 2 NSAIDS (Advil, Ibuprofen) and 1 Tylenol and three do it after your period has just finished. Lastly if you have had children this process apparently is even easier. I did not follow any of these instructions - and I was prepped by Dr Nice Gyne that I would likely faint, as the body, rightfully so, is not so jazzed about getting opened like that and having the whole deal go down.

The speculum is fine - whatever if you've had a pap you know what that feels like - getting your cervix opened - both openings, yes apparently it has two openings, now that is what will make your knees sweat and the room turn a shade of foggy gray. But then it's over. It's really intense pain for 2 minutes max and then it's done. You go home pop more pills, eat some ice cream and relax. Yes there is some spotting for a few days, but since it's also the end of my cycle and I spot for the first 3-5 days before I cannot tell you if it's all from the IUD.

Scared you? Horrified? Sorry I'll be back to fluffy stories shortly. Ask me any questions if you have them

March Madness!

2011-03-22T13:47:00.000-07:00

Well the whole world seems to be going sideways in it's various ways - I'm trying to get off sugar, and yet I haven't managed to get it out of me 100% and you know what? I'm okay with it. I'm not going to call it cheating - I'm going to call it being practical. Why? Because I look at enough labels for everything else - I am not sitting down to anything sweet, no fruit, no chocolate, no additives - that I add. So when I do add something like soy milk to a latte or a half pump of sweeter I think it is part of doing this to the best of my sanity.

Anyways not the point of the blog - the point is to highlight the other March Madness show downs aside from the obvious one:

The Fug Girls, the brilliant, sharp tongued fashion bloggers are hosting a showdown of the fuglies, vote for your favorite and if you dare get into the heated discussions around intentional fugging and oh honey no's

Out of Print Clothing has developed the AMAZING, FREAKING AMAZING, I tell you, idea of a classic lit show down. I will tell you I have a vested interest in this, this is the land on which blood will be spilled for me - I will not let my books go down without a fight.

Virgin Radio in my hometown is having a cereal show down - this apparently is also hotly contested based on the dialogue on the radio. I am basing my vote on what I miss the most - today's battle - Life vs. Raisin Brain. Heck I'm all for more fibre in the diet, but there are decent GF versions of this of Life, nope - and I miss it. I miss figuring out just how much milk you could add and get enough liquid and still have crunch...

So check it out peeps!

Ugh

2011-03-12T09:49:00.000-08:00

Ms J and I have a regular date night - I like date night/games night/hockey night. We eat, we bitch, we do something - games, movies, yelling at one of the brothers... But some nights when we opt for the movie choice, it makes me think too much. Don't get me wrong. I do like to think, but I find that if I get excited about reading, writing and learning I start to hate my job. Correction I start to hate my job more than I do already.

Ms J and I were going to see the King's Speech, then opted for the Adjustment Bureau and then as we were in line it sold out, so what then? Well a nice artsy looking couple suggested Incendies (Subtitle -"Scorced"). Apparently it has been years since I took French because the oh so obvious real English subtitle did not jump out at me. Even if it did, that in the end wasn't what the movie was about, it was the amazing collection of layers. It has made me want to track down the play it is based on. It has made me want to write, to reconsider how as a writer you can choose to layer a story. A story is not like building a structure, there are no laws of gravity to determine in which order it is built.

But I will stop there and say see it. Please do yourself a favor, yes it's a foreign film - a large portion is French for you Canadians it's really actually accessible. For everyone else the dialogue is sparse, laid bare and to the point. You will not be reading a manifesto of subtitles in tiny font.

If it helps you decide it just cleaned up at the Genies and was nominated for an Academy Award.

Thanks Ladies Who Have Come Before

2011-03-08T19:24:00.001-08:00

And to all those blazing the way today, thank you for every obstacle big or small you remove on the path to equality.

I Know You Are All Busy Looking for a Dress for Me...

2011-03-08T13:27:00.000-08:00

But I think you need to see this brilliance at Public - featured by Etsy

I didn't need this today - but I am so so tempted to print off a few copies... PS female hive mind - what do you think of this?

Slowly But Surely

2011-03-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

I am being productive. I will confess I go through fits and spurts of productivity. Today is one of those days - I mailed of my deposit to graduate school, sent my old roommate her mail, went for a run and applied for graduation. I am a little or a whole lot cheesed that the program I was in completely changed so I don't get credit for it - but to be honest, I don't really care. See if I cared I would have taken the remaining classes and got the credit for it. In the end I get more or less the same degree - it's a post baccalaureate - and to be honest I'm over it - though I wish I had been over it sooner, damn late fee was expensive.... I also got my stuff together for my taxes - woot me and I have a to do list for tomorrow.

This folks is what running does for me - it gets my brain working properly.

But one brain though it is good, is not as good as multiple brains. I need a dress of X's graduation. I know it would help if you knew what I looked like - think average/petite, pearish shape with boobs. I had been considering a convertible dress since I could rehash it for multiple events while I'm with X. I haven't decided if I am going to do the whole convocation this second time around for me...

So ladies - an "affordable," classy dress that can be dressed up or down - where would you shop? And I don't want to look like a bridesmaid. But since I do love vintage I was considering this option, it's classy, timeless and it will keep me running my ass off until May. Color then becomes an issue. I will tell you I do have similar dresses, I guess that is my taste.

Migraine...

2011-03-05T15:39:00.000-08:00

I would like the world to know I had intended to do something with this weekend, like blog for the upcoming week for my running/gluten free food blog - but alas, I'm starting to see double of things from my lovely migraine. Right now the concoction of pills and baked potato chips (minimize the nausea) aren't doing much other than putting a dent in the pain... So on that note, something a little more cheery - and no this is not how I feel about X - well yes and no *wink*. . .

So Apparently I Still Have the Grumpies

2011-03-02T13:28:00.000-08:00

I have this thing I like to call OCD, it may or may not be that, but I don't like a messy chaotic space. Stacks of things are fine, dishes in the dishrack are fine, shoes by the door (lined up) are fine, etc. BUT a paper explosion on my work desk and so many boxes in my living room that I cannot use the kitchen table or put things away makes me anxious. It makes me want to scream. I am trying to be so so chill with my new roommate's slow speed, but I'm slowly feeling the effects at my failed fake it til I feel it mantra. It's okay, mess is okay, the mess will be gone... So when all that fails, I go look at pretty things, expensive pretty things on gaunt models. It reminds me there are nice things, and that food is one of those nice things. So behold the new Anthropologie wedding dress collection...and for the record NO I am not planning, intending or discussing such an event, it is not even a twinkle in this lady's eye.

Victoria Calls them "The Grumpies"

2011-02-28T10:51:00.000-08:00

Whatever you want to call them I have them. Maybe because it's a Monday, maybe because my house looks like a bomb went off and the chaos is killing my OCD self, maybe because I just had to deal with a solicitation call, or that I feel like boo or that I cannot even go for a walk outside because my lazy neighbors think that compact ice and slush is a suitable coating for their sidewalks... I think though it's the fact that it's almost March and it sure as heck doesn't look like it.

I have been listening to the Wailin' Jenny's album and it seems to be the only thing that makes me happy - so here is one of the songs from their recent album.

Victoria

Changes

2011-02-26T11:00:00.000-08:00

The new roommate is moving in today or tomorrow... and I am meh - it's the weather. I blame it on the weather, I just want to get a few movies lined up and stay in bed and get that weekend in bed coating on my skin and hair... It's too cold to run, it's just too cold to be out of bed, it's gray. I need the sun to return and with it my desire to do anything.

I have the winter blues, the I cannot run blues and all sorts of other blues. Good times. So on that note something to return the smile to my face and maybe yours:

And yes it is who you think they are - no throwing stones at me, just listen to the song - close your eyes if you need to.

Song is thanks to this awesome blog

In Honor of Anti-Bullying Day

2011-02-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

Hope you are wearing your pink today (thanks Victoria for the vid)

A Reminder

2011-02-23T20:54:00.000-08:00

I had a little heart stopping moment today - it was my own silly fault. See I Google CEF every 6 months or so, it is my way of doing a quick scan of where he is at - location wise and mental health wise - if that is readily available. Yes we do have mutual friends but out of respect to them I don't ever ask about him. They don't need to be in the middle of the drama - they weathered a pretty nasty storm from him after break-up.

So all looked normal today, except he's on Twitter. #)$^)(@@^$$_@)#%% and other words was all I could think of in that moment. Why had I not considered that he would use Twitter. He on his own would never find me on Twitter - I have kept things as vague as possible and I use a different email. However, given the combo of people I follow and vice versa it wouldn't take stalking me that long to unravel almost three years of work to hide myself. The Interwebs are too damn small. So I protected my tweets - that will help eliminate the possibility and deleted a few tweets that were location specific, in theory.

You are likely going to ask why no restraining order? Why? Well he has not contacted me or my immediate family since Dec 08/Jan 09. As long as that remains I have some security - most of what I feel is fear. I know that regardless of how much therapy he could have had post breakup (and I know he hasn't from what I have been told about his current-ish behavior), he is not a nice person. I am not hard to find - my name is the same, my address is the same - I just don't want him to show up on my doorstep one day. Restraining order or not, it's not going to stop him if he chooses to do. So let this be warning to you ladies, first sign of dual behavior, run. If he's one person to his family, a different to his friends and someone else with you - the likelihood is that person he is with you is not going to be fun by any means.

WOOT Me!

2011-02-22T20:48:00.000-08:00

The sun and the Wallin' Jenny's inspired me to get my sh*t together and tackle Adobe Photoshop. Now I don't know if I have made it clear before this point but I loathe technology - actually I loathe really anything I am completely out of my depth in. But I got tired of waiting for my photographer friend to fix my running blog header, so I gave myself a pep talk and went at it. Is it perfect? Is it going to win any web awards - nope, BUT I like it - so negative Nancies you can suck it. Ya you heard me.

On another note altogether - go check out the Wallin' Jenny's new album or The Civil Wars or Adele's new album - crazy fierce music be happening peeps - don't miss out on the beauty.

A Challenge

2011-02-20T19:43:00.000-08:00

I will preface this by saying it may not make sense to everyone who reads this blog - and I hope not to alienate anyone - this is just a personal musing.

I will be starting seminary in September - do I plan on becoming a pastor - no, however, if I am being truthful with myself, it is something I would love to do in some format. I have a vision of a community home in a lower socio-economic area and having it be an open place for a meal, help with school and a place of safety and community. A safe place is something that I know personally is so rare in this world. A place where children and adult can know peace and love and practical help. I am not the originator of this concept, they're actually in most major cities - neo-monastic homes where people work to daily serve their communities on a practical format. If you're interested I can give more info - but it isn't the point of the blog.

When I sat down with my mentor/pastor this week, we came back to this, and the feeling that I need to/want to pursue this - that this despite the gaps between here and there. I had that feeling again this morning. A direct challenge to see what I refuse to see and deny what I want to see - what I want. I am struggling against a future I do not know. A future that in moments seems so very clear and then I'm enveloped in the clouds.

There is a hymn we sang today that I keep coming back to and a reminder, a voice if you will, that came to me while I was out at what felt like an un-godly hour with N running. Your beauty, your worth to Me, is more than what you see, is that not enough to follow and fill you. *Sigh*

I Also Fail At Change

2011-02-19T12:03:00.000-08:00

But...and this is a big BUT, I do better with change if it is a repeated change. But I guess that means it isn't really a change, or does it?

BR moved out yesterday - the house is empty. Back in 2009 when AR moved out this reality scared me shitless. Yes as an adult woman I was having a mental breakdown over living alone. I couldn't do it - I had nightmares, I slept with the lights on in the house, with the radio on, checking the doors multiple times in the night. It was also the time AB and I were in effect not pseudo dating - we weren't dating at all, but he was the one I knew would be up at 2am if I had a rough night. Well that lead to him being requested to spend his nights at chez moi and all hell broke lose and well that is true and it's not - and that is a whole blog in itself. Which reminds me - I should discuss that at some point. My rational behind that whole shmazzle

This week as been a week of change - sans hair I have grown to love - my Dita-ness is gone. I have been reminded to send in my tuition deposit to school and apply for student loans and now I have a BR-less home. It is weird. It is cold. It is sort of haunting - her stuff is in a lot of places. Not that I really mind. If I stop and think about it - I'm a student and I was just gifted a toaster - which needs to be GF'd, a coffee machine, towels and a few other things. Sweet! The new roommate is moving in at the end of the month... right now I am just trying to enjoy the space, silence and the ability to walk around the house in whatever I want (L you were a bad influence on me)...

Back to the school thing my pastor/mentor/friend has suggested that school is going to be a good thing for me - more change - change, change, change. That it will encourage me to move forward in life and my understanding of myself, God and all that... I guess I need to get on embracing that as there is a big reading list before I start...

So on the note of change - BRING ON SPRING!

Balance

2011-02-17T21:38:00.000-08:00

Balance is something I've never been good at. Really, and truly I almost always fail at it - falling under or over a target.

X and I have been struggling with this, more so I have been struggling with it. Feeling like I can't find the right speed for anything - the physical, the emotional, the relational. I know there is no perfect, no right moment for anything - or "right" speed. Some people find themselves in relationships going the speed of light towards marriage and babies and are at complete peace - and no I'm not referencing Katie and Tom and that shitastic thing. But I think we all know those people. And others, they take a long time to even say I love you, never mind settle. I keep trying to remind myself that we all have a speed, and you can like in driving slow down. You cannot necessarily retrace your steps but you can try to work through them again.

I've been asked if he's the one. I don't know - I am beginning to realize just how much my relationship with CEF scarred and scared me in the whole serious dating business. AB was well AB and most of my big indiscretions there came via alcohol - except thankfully or not thankfully when it came to us having sex. Funny enough the fooling around was done while various stages of intoxicated, the sex, completely sober. Hmmm. Well enough unpacking of that. Back to CEF - X is not the same - but the fear is still there... guess life itself is going to have to work through that fear with me.

Valentine's Day

2011-02-13T16:38:00.000-08:00

I had girl's night with Ms. J and a friend - I got my GF pizza to satisfy my craving and we watched Whip It - I have a serious girl crush on Ellen Page. But that is not the point - the GF brownies are done and iced for work tomorrow - my pink blouse is out. I think that Valentine's Day works best when you embrace it in your own way. It won't go away and hating on it doesn't really help.

So on that note - check out this lovely new artist I found courtesy of BRAVO tv, it is a hell of a lot better then hearing I Will Always Love You at 11am in WF... gah.

Crossing One More Off the Bucket List

2011-02-13T13:24:00.000-08:00

Blond Hair! Now I have officially been every "natural" color - blond to black and almost every length from butt length to short short (a lot shorter then this new length)... My apologies for the bad bathroom lighting.

Before:

After:

Soundtrack at the Moment

2011-02-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

I love music. I may not love all the same music as X and vice versa - but I think it is fair to say we both consider the presence of a musical soundtrack in our lives.

The songs getting high rotation right in my brain right now:

Don't You Wanna Stay - Why? I have to confess love the sound of both their voices, and together, well honey - don't you wanna stay? I do.

Are You Going to Kiss Me or Not? - Song lyrics that sound better as song lyrics than as a conversation are always good.

Dance Me to the End of Love - it's the Civil Wars, enough said

What Do You Want? - Reminds me of AB, it is actually one of those songs that sounds better as lyrics than as a conversation - a conversation I should have when he decides to drop in next time regardless of whether he is sober or not - even though the song isn't completely relevant at this time. If you're wondering who the lady is, it's Rachel Bradshaw.

Who Are You When I'm Not Looking? - Song makes me smile and also makes me self conscious as I've been pretty much living alone for the last year - I think I have some interesting habits - which is one of the many reasons I don't like living alone, I think it would fully develop L's penchant for stripping the minute she walked in the door.

Things that make me smile...

2011-02-09T08:25:00.000-08:00

I'm having a little emotionally bumpy week (for lots of reasons) but fear not it is on the upswing. I have decided to embrace the changes - the life and hair changes - goodness I think I should have done this whole hair thing on impulse and not after dwelling on it for months. The best way to embrace change is with something new - like new shoes. And shoes are the best thing for making me feel better - Ms. J actually has many pictures of me in NYC gawking at shoes in window displays.

Drumroll...

Yes it official I have had enough of winter - bring on the skirts and the cute shoes.

Epic Hair Cut of 2011

2011-02-06T19:45:00.000-08:00

Saturday is D-day and I'm getting nervous - I know it is just hair - but well it's been a good year and a half growing to get to this length. Funny thing is I saw my other PU for the first time in a long long time and she said she actual hates the dark and the long. Huh. Funny Ms. J is fighting hard for long and dark...

So I am going to let you all weight in on the length option:

While I do love the one on the bottom - that hair cut will be quite frankly a NLLL to grow out, the one above not so much. They both have bangs which I know will make X very happy....

So what is your opinion - I have been red, black, brown and all lengths from short short to butt length hair - so I could keep growing, I could dye it another color, or I could go for the big plunge considering I seem to be all about making those kinds of changes at the moment. If need be I will try to load up a picture of myself currently before the big cut. I do promise a before and after on Saturday for sure - fear not.

Requested Update

2011-02-05T12:12:00.000-08:00

One of my lovely friends - and past roommate, L, sent me an urgent request via FB for an update.

I would like to apologize first by saying that this past weekend and the subsequent events have wiped me out. So let's recap - I flew to Houston last Friday morning - long cab ride - discovered that Houston like other southern cities has no downtown life - I had this problem in Oklahoma City when I ran there (and I wasn't GF at that time). So needless to say the weekend was not ideal in many ways - but X was there so that at least kept me sane or I think I might have spent a lot of time crying wondering why in the world I was doing this again... If you haven't gathered marathon weekend is oddly more stressful than the race. Whatever I'm going to another one - yes it is less then a week out from doing it and I'm not recovered yet - but I love it - hard to explain - I'll save that for the other blog when it gets fixed up.

So I got back on Monday to work stress, a hurting body, while I haven't had a child I am going to be daring and say it's like my body gave birth on Sunday - I couldn't sit, walk down small ramps or get in and out of my PU's Civic etc AND my monthly visitor arrived along with some airplane sniffles. Now this fabulous trifecta would have resulted in an ER visit last year due to some kind of infection/illness. This time - this time I kicked it ALL!! Bless you healthier body. Finally a clear indication we are on the long road to some kind of stable health.

On Monday I met with a roommate potential - did I mention BR is moving out - yep, another change. So this lovely lady confirmed on Thursday - one less stress - I have a new roommate for March 1. Well I guess it's one less stress - now begins the long process of cleaning, clearing and rearranging. I have decided to try and purge down again and reorganize what I can to simplify my life and routine. So the rest of the month is going to be devoted to trying to figure out where to put things where they are useful for me and clear up space for her.

On Thursday my boss sat down with me - I need to take time off in March (when he takes time off he likes someone to take time off and so it's me this time). The first thing he said after that request - you can go visit X. Yes that would be lovely - we're trying to figure out that. It's not a short trip nor is it a cheap trip - so that will need to be worked out.

So as to X - he's going to be my first Valentine ever. Yep I was that girl who benefited from the mass forced Valentine hand out in elementary school, never dated in high school and in university and post university has had enough success to warrant this blog... So poor X, I'm a little excited about the whole thing. I think the fun will die off after this year but right now it's fun. And yet at the same time I have this slight gag reflex at what our office looks like - Michael's Valentine's Day department seems to have up-chucked pink, hearts and obscene amounts of glitter all over the place.

Yep so that's a little of the run down around here - I promise I will come up with more thrilling information - right now it just seems like life is moving crazily fast and changing so much that I don't know where to start when I sit down at the computer.

Times Are A Changin'

2011-02-01T15:15:00.000-08:00

Well I have decided that I have had enough of being worried about the return of CEF into my personal or interweb space. Now that doesn't mean that I'm going change the format, but I am going to simplify my blogging (I have two non-linked blogs apart from this one) and make some personal and somewhat public changes.

Change 1: As noted above - I'm going to merge my Gluten Free sometimes Dairy/Soy Free food blog with my Running Blog - and once that is done, that will be linked here at S&P central command.

Change 2: I'm chopping off a large chunk of my hair (read: several inches) and dyeing it blond. Why? Well one - because I can, and two because I am ready even for a few months to say good bye to my most public statement of change. I dyed my hair and chopped off my "wedding" growth and more when CEF was booted from my life. So this change is to say in the most metaphoric way possible - I have found light in my life - in peace and joy. In the beautiful friends like Ms J who have found ways to hold tight to someone who was so very often coming unglued.

Change 3: As noted, I like to run. I will say that even today as my ability to tackle stairs, chairs, ramps, curbs and even toilets is seriously limited - I truthfully love to run. Why? Because running is my body's reminder to me that you can do it. Even when you don't think you can, even when it all seems to come unhinged, one foot in front of the other. When I stopped running away from the pain in my life and towards it with the help of amazing people - it was no longer terrifying. It hurt, just like the 26.2 miles I did on Sunday hurt like hell. My body didn't want to do, it really really didn't want to do it, but it did. SO, on that note I have decided when I run my next marathon to do it for a Rape/Sexual Assault NGO. I know you can run for Cancer, you can run for Water, you can run for Clean Water - all are great things to run for, but for me, I wanted to be able to move to the place in my life where I can own my survivor-ship. Where I can say publicly: I know the statistics, I know I am not alone and I know that it shouldn't be a secret - the shame has to end and that starts within me.

Change 4: Even though I'm not single as of a few days ago (long story that I've promised will not become blog material). But that does not mean the fun is going to stop around here - oh no no no - the dating world continues on - and no that also does not mean that I'm not devoted to X - I just know there is enough crazy sh*t going on in this world of non-married folk, whether they be single or not to not comment on it. And so I will.

There is not much new to report

2011-01-22T12:39:00.000-08:00

I don't want to go for a run, I mean I do, but I don't - I think it's the fear of what will happen... the fear, a fabulous topic that keeps coming up around here... I will do it, I promise and I will update everyone. But at this moment, the only thing I am trying to focus on is this cover of Billie Jean - which happens to be sung by the Civil Wars which seem to be the hottest thing since sliced bread or something like that - well according to my Twitter feed that is.

Well Victoria...

2011-01-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

Victoria mentioned yesterday that she feels that in dating there is not enough honesty regarding the fear. Today she furthered this idea of the fear as:

"And I'm not just talking about the big fears, I'm talking about the littler ones, the going on a date ones, the meeting someone for the first time ones, the what if it's awful, how do I politely escape ones, the what if there's that awkward, dead silence fears. I've had them and done it anyway."

So here it is V, I am scared. I have my fears. I have my moments that cause my stomach to churn. I even had a moment like that this week as X can attest to and it made me feel horrible and I know it hurt him too. I also have big fears - like will I ever feel ready to be married - I am not referencing this in regards to X. Just after CEF the whole fairytale, run off into the sunset and get married and live happily ever after business does not exist. It doesn't mean I don't want it to happen, it's just hard when that little voice of doubt has a tendency to creep into the picture.

The issue is whether or not the fear stops the forward growth - I sure hope it does not.

Cristina/Owen I think are the best example that comes to mind when you despite your scars and your fears try to press through and find love

Update

2011-01-20T17:13:00.000-08:00

Well of course it had to snow - so one more day "resting" at home I guess won't hurt. I finished off my blood tests today - and all came back normal - just great... yes it is and it isn't... but on another note - Bravo just had this video on when I turned the TV on tonight and I think you should check it out - and PS the lady singing is not Joss Stone oddly enough, it is not.

The Fear

2011-01-17T11:56:00.000-08:00

In less than two weeks I will have completed my second marathon, in theory. Right now my body seems to be staging a revolt of epic Russian Revolution style proportions - and in the process scaring me within an inch of my sanity. For those who've followed along for a while, or read my food blog will know that I have for the last few years struggled with several bouts of illness. I know that these started when I started to deal with all the issues of my childhood/teen years. Now I feel like calling out "No Fair!" to the cosmos because I should be rewarded for dealing with my issues not kicked while I was down. But alas I was - it started with a dying or dead immune system which left me sick at the mere mention of the presence of a sick person in my vicinity. I was worse than the average day care child when it came to picking up viruses - and quite frankly that is horrible because I am not a small child who licks all sorts of unfortunate things or doesn't wash their hands... alas. I was put on numerous antibiotics (which may or may not have been the reason for the GF issues) and so on and so forth and then the hives came. Oh the glorious hives. And if that wasn't fun enough I started to have problems getting out of bed, up stairs and walking in general. I went from a marathon runner to a woman who at under 30 paused a minimum of 3 times while trying to climb the stairs up to my office due to the excruciating muscle pain and fatigue.

So last March the epic testing began - it was a time of warm fuzzy feelings and joy - that is if being prodded with an ultrasound wand while having a full bladder at 7am feels amazing. And in the end after the MRI, ultra sounds, x-rays and urine and stool tests and blood tests for everything between Allergies to Syphilis (because we know that was so the front runner for the cause) the answer was *drum roll* nadda. Yes folks according the medical community I was on the border of malingering. So not the case. I changed my diet - went gluten dairy and soy free and started treatments with Suka my beloved acupuncturist.

I started to walk again, move like a normal person of my age, my skin stopped freaking out and I started to run. I became human again - until this week. I have been slowly letting dairy and soy creep into my life because sometimes I have to - they aren't loved by my body but they aren't hated. Gluten is my enemy. We are Russia and the USA circa October 4,1957 or any of the years following.

Anyways, I have a tired unhappy body that refuses to run, a brain that wants to run and all the worry and self doubt that this planner could ever never want... So if you don't find me around here you know that my brain has sort of shut down in an attempt to not think about the could be's

It's About Time I Tell You All....

2011-01-13T14:35:00.000-08:00

I may or may not be single - I am not technically single - whatever that means. I guess it means I am not looking, or that I have a lovely man that makes me all flustered, smiley and all that good stuff. It is good stuff no? So I know that is so vague and you are probably wondering what the hell is going on - who is this person, how did we get here, what the hell? Stop the bus I want to know what's going on here - give me the details and all that.

Well I don't have details - I mean I sort of do, but I don't. For one he knows about this blog, he reads this blog and he wants to stay off this blog - probably a good idea since the last time I dragged a reader male I liked into my blog I had to ditch the blog when I moved on. And no, I'm not planning to move on - but whatever - moving on past that point. So that all being said I'm still going to talk a bit about him, since we're all friends - cue to X this would be when you stop reading... you heard me.

So X as he's being called because he and I cannot seem to come up with a cute, catchy non-degrading name for him... we didn't intend this - good Lord I wasn't even looking for this - and yes I know that they say you'll find it when you least expect it and all that but, I was not expecting this. We fought it, we truly did, and well maybe I'm not a good fighter since I am a pacifist but our fighting against it didn't work. We both in separate occasions this past week realized that what we have been calling a friendship has definitely grown beyond that point. He in a conversation and I on one of my many Etsy browsing nights looking through the Treasury, started search for gifts for him. I had started Valentine's Day shopping for the first time in my almost 30 odd years. It was a weird revelation - not that I had never shopped for Valentine's Day but rather that somehow in all the talking and what not I had fallen sort of unbeknownst to me. A part of brain has wanted to curse me out - has wondered how these things happen. And yet the thankfully sane part is happy he is sane - non-codependent. Y'alls he has a job and an education, he can dress himself and *drumroll* is NOT a man child. It's like finding a freaking unicorn. Okay so maybe not a unicorn - how about an amazing pair of sale Louboutin's but really finding those is finding a pair of unicorns you can wear that say, NLLL-me right?

Enough with the unicorns - we're taking it slowly, and we will see what happens. I will do my best to update y'all since that is why you read and I blog...

So this is where if you are still reading against my instructions X you really really stop reading....

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Oh the Memories

2011-01-12T08:48:00.000-08:00

I have been sifting through old blogs for old music loves and in the process finding some pretty good lines - maybe it's narcissistic, but as an aspiring writer I find that I need to remind myself in the dry times that I have not so dry moments - and drum roll here are some of what I believe are my somewhat finer moments.

"Heartbreak = good old fashion heart ripped from its sockets and you being left with a hole to be soaked and preserved with tequila, brined with tears and stuffed full of Black Cherry ice cream. If you are too young to have one, it's glamorous, if you've put enough miles on your heart it somehow makes you feel like a veteran comparing battle wounds."

"I don't carry anything other than an over-sized designer handbag, especially not luggage, as I informed the nice young man at the local sports co-op" TOITB - this migh explain why I check everything when I fly

"start hearing the annoying loud ticking of their future coming from goodness knows where. Like my barista boy did today, it attacks you from behind, makes you feel slightly violated, but then you are forced to face it, attempt to wrinkle your preventatively Botoxed brow at it, and then deal with its ugly truth, like a sweat stain in a satin dress in August there is no avoiding it, your uterus has started to call the shots. So you do as any good single girl does and you develop a habit of abusing your liver, spend long hours with a therapist trying to figure out why the hell your here (you discover your family is surprisingly more toxic than your new drinking habit), start a fetish for some weird clothing item, pick up a slightly masochistic sport that involves tonnes of traveling to places that start interesting but unfruitful cocktail party conversations and so on... but in the end the only men chasing your skirt are OM types, too old, too single and oddly likely not too sure which team they prefer...

"My uterus is aging despite what I do to its encasing vessel - no amount of Botox, anti-aging cream/soap, running, SPF Vampire, vitamins, yoga, and hair colour will prevent it."

It seems I developed a uterus theme in the spring...

"Ack my uterus has taken over, it's more then just talking at me, it's yelling and starting a war, a revolt, a coup. That's it it's start a coup over my brain, my heart and my freaking common sense. I see a baby, and the only thing I can concentrate on is BABY, OOOOOOO BABY, OOOOOOOO, SO CUTE, BABY!!! I WANT A BABY!!! All my precious hormones are pumping through/screaming at my brain and insisting they get one. I have officially banned myself from children. Yes Ms. J I am the one who more often then not swears that they are evil, originating from the same place as pantyhose runs and spilled food on a first date, lipstick on your teeth and all that. Evil."

"Personally for me a man who can't initiate is destined to be skinned alive not only on this blog but also by me. Maybe I am jaded, just too many man children running around - you have to test them with a little flame or hook to see what they're made of, or maybe it's like X says. Relationships are a dance, an equal give and take partnership, if it's lopsided you fall and someone get's smooshed/crushed in the process. In the end your weakness will find their way to the bottom side of my soft gray BCBG stiletto pumps if you can't man up."

And last but not least a comment in regards to this post by TOITB:

"We are insane - I think you know that and well the men I have come to know personally definitely push the stupid category. In the end it is about finding someone you think is a tolerable amount of insane and I need to find someone that doesn't make me want to self lobotomize myself with a plastic knife. So romantic isn't it?"