I Will Think Up a Catchy Title Later...

So when I sat down at my desk a while ago, I thought I would blog about the events on my train ride into work, but now, after sniffling back tears watching the end of Grey's from Ms. J's blog about grief, love and life - I feel like well like I wish there was so much I wish I could blog in this moment, but I am conscious that such an act of transparency might betray me... but alas.

I've been sitting on the edge of grief and all sorts of other crazy emotions this last month. Grief at the lost of something that maybe never was available, the fight over how to hold onto whatever there is there to hold on to, if I can, if I should, and the fight to loose my heart, my head, my whatever and everything from AB. And yet, he was my first, not that kind, he was the first kiss that weakened my knees, still sets my heart off it's rhythm, his hands let me know that through all the really ugly nights, the painful days, the screaming, kicking and all that, all the years of nightmares that being touched by someone can feel like something you wish you could package and carry around with you forever, like life. So I grieve that this is all that that will be.

And I am still tormented, my perpetual dating has shifted from those who are hesitant for various reasons, to the overly excited, and now I'm for worse clinging tighter to the memory of AB. BB while sweet, has turned me off, he shot himself in the foot already - for the love of Peter, Paul and Manolo's WHY?!!! Sure I like gestures, like being flattered - hell I am a lady/girl the last time I checked - but gestures like delivering a coffee to my office, a small bouquet of pink peonies, roses or lilies, a home cooked meal, a cuddle - you know those. But all those gestures come from someone who knows me, knows more of me than what I look like on Saturday morning in my running skirt...

So let's say this - while I did have a better night sleep last night, things are rough on this front, I may just give in and by a pair of these...in the interim this is on repeat today

A Song I Wish I Could Be Rocked To Sleep By...

The mention of Santa Ana winds brings me back to Joan Didion's essay collection Slouching towards Bethlehem, and it makes me slightly nostalgic for the train, the daylight creeping into the valley, casting light a pink hue over the wind farms and the flashing signs along the I10 portion of San Bernadino

or this lovely tune too:

To AB

In honor of all the moments past - I laughed when the title came up on the Imeem random shuffle... I heart you Ray, and all those memories too - though maybe the gin colors them a shade of blue, similar to that now officially retired blue dress.

I Hate Tuesdays?

I will confess the whole lack of sleep business is about to cause me to go batty, insanely desperate, and very annoyingly persistent to my own mental health's detriment... but that is a whole other issue in the grand scheme of things.

When you're pushing creating a never to be recovered from sleep debt - you notice the most annoying things occur. My trusty black pumps are pinching my right foot, my very expensive Calvin Klein patterned stockings have a pull in them already - and as a side note on the whole stocking business I've been desperately looking for seamed ones and I can't find them for the life of me that aren't thigh highs... anyways I digress. You also notice that the lovely grade 9 boy who takes the later bus is checking you out with a vengeance on the day you might either pull out his liver with your newly broken nail or as I did today teased him with a smile when he tried to be all gentleman like in front of me - yes dear you get a bonus point. Or you lose what's left of your self respect, if I have any left at this point, and you ask out your BB for coffee (post script - we have a lunch date at a veg/vegan restaurant on the other side of town on Saturday afternoon), because hell, if I can give 4 hours of my life to a habitual cheater, I can give the same amount of time to a sweet, always tired, but seemly nice provider of my morning life - the only reason I likely didn't disembowel the little preteen who seemed preoccupied with what a lady might look like in a pencil skirt and pumps versus the teenage girl next to me in sweats with ankle elastic and flip flops... goodness they didn't even coordinate.

PS If anyone, I mean anyone without a criminal record is willing to offer a cuddle tonight it would be hugely appreciated, the bed isn't big, but hell there will be dinner provided. Or if any of you ladies are willing to part with your secret body pillow, which I apparently need to invest in, let me know.

And because I'm trying to work/sleep at my desk... I'm having an odd music day, ta da!

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/56354775@N00/161095153/

Thanks for your honesty...

I had an honest and transparent date* with AL on Sunday and I know some of you are looking for the details. Sure it's great when you can share all sorts of things about your life that you may hold off on sharing... like I've said before sometimes we have a tendency to share too much or share information we aren't aware might be held against us...

AL shared with me he has a history of wandering. I don't mean like in the woods, in life, or meandering, I mean like wandering in relationships - chronically, habitually, routinely... yes and while it is lovely you can recognize that, and you're open and honest about that mistake. Can you call it a mistake when you have a propensity towards such decisions?

So long and short, AL's confession/admission will be flagged and that is that. Sorry to all those who have once or multiple times found your relationships unsatisfactory and instead of addressing the issues used someone to fill a void, I understand that these aren't always clear decisions and all that - however. However, I being the victim of such an action with my first lovely boyfriend, the lawyer for whom the impalement on a blunt object would not be prevented by me, it is a sin equal with admitting you're emotionally and physically manipulative/abusive like CEF, because hell been there once, didn't want to be there and I'm not going back.

Oh and the icing on the cake - he's joined the AB club, of the happily single... oy vay.

Wanted: Sleep

I am prepared to give up all my stilettos, chocolate, and maybe even my Blackberry for one night/morning/afternoon of terror free sleep. The last month worth of emotions, events and work stress have flooded me in the silence of my half empty house. In honor of all the subconscious adventures I have decided to form a new dream definitions

1. Gaspers: These are the bolt upright type dreams - had a lovely one this morning when the sound of the walking and door opening above me in my early morning pseudo sleep sounded like it was right next to me - of course I had my back to the bedroom door - so it was more like a twist and fall out of bed - I'm smooth that way - terrify the intruder with a flailing chaotic exit from bed.

2. Bella-itis: This happened Thursday/Friday and Saturday night - blessed... they are the nights of one hour at a time sleep, drifting into a sea of non-differentiated emotions, but all cause this fear of sleeping, lest I find myself in the same sea of fear, pain, tears, anger and uncertainty... best described as all Bella did in New Moon - sleep and scream in the abyss. Dramatic true, maybe overly so, but we all have these everyone once and a while - mine had a lovely up side, as I don't know if my closet, house and kitchen cupboards have been so organized, I accomplished ironing, mending, and laundry in the middle of the night, who knew those hours could be so productive when you refuse to sleep.

3. Non-sleep: In the fighting off of sleep and Lady Exhaustion, you can get the point where I have been the last day and night, the inability to sleep regardless of how tired you are. There is no comfort in sleep, and the desire to have someone there comes sneaking up out of the fog. I don't know where it really came from, but last night I would have given my Starbucks addiction for AB to hold me until I fell asleep. Not productive and I referencing the giving up Starbucks, and also not fair for AB - he can't be expected to do that.

4. The Crazy NLLL dreams - like my lovely uterus occupant dream last week, which to be honest I think started this whole nuttiness.

Photo:http://www.flickr.com/photos/kirstielei/3867896862/

Things I do to stave off the fear of sleep

I'm home alone for a while, but I guess I shouldn't have told you that... anyways I write, the sound of the keys is soothing I guess

Love stories look a certain way. Boy meets girl, boy pursues girl somehow, girl pines for boy and bing bang boom, tadda happy couple. Well what happens when it doesn’t work even remotely close? What happens when you skim the surface of a relationship until you’ve actually skinned the relationship surface? Skinned it raw, those cuts that seem so inconsequential yet hurt so much longer, heal so much slower than those deep cuts that leave a scar. There is no battle wound, no brave story to regale your drinking partners with, there is just the lasting memory of the pain of a moment that maybe should have gone deeper but staled amidst the excruciating pain of the skinning or shouldn’t have even frictioned the surface of the relationship skin altogether.

AB and I have joked we have the makings of the greatest never love story, we have a skinned relationship. We didn’t friction the surface, though my face maybe had a moment of that… we skinned it and then thought that time would do what time can’t do, put the skin fragments back together. There is no surgeon in the world, from nighttime drama fame or real life that can master that. You can graft a new piece on, you can let time crust it over, or you can gasp, breathe deep and for some insane reason follow a bizarre compulsion and cut deeper. The skin is crusting. Crusting skin is the worst. I don’t function with crusting skin. No amount of expensive anti aging crème that I’ve got stock piled is going to do what a graft or a deeper cut could have done in this moment. A graft says we go back, patch, and work at sewing the edges, we’ve realized that it can't work now or maybe ever, but what was right, was right enough to fix this. I though we were right enough to fix. I guess not. Or you cut deeper and know that the pain disappears and maybe that cut, maybe that cut is what you need, as Leona croons, she’s bleeding love, maybe we would, maybe it would, and maybe that would have done something to heal this whole sordid mess. But silence keeps the skin on crusting, keeps us where we are and life moves us forward forcing us to make decisions about everything but the wound. The wound gets left, it might gangrene at this rate, it likely will, it likely will result in the exorcising as one person gets frustrated with the choices regarding healing and moves on.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/squidcake/3713645494/

I don't like the diagnosis doc...

I have Bella-itis as Ms. J calls it. I would love it to be something else but apparently I’m still suffering from a NLLL broken heart. I don’t want to be. Maybe I’m just mad, maybe I’m just not dealing with being still sick, when all I want to do is run, speed up the axis of the Earth with my movements and fast forward us out of this forsaken mess. Fast forward myself to someone else’s: arms or couch or something, and yet I don’t. I don’t want the white horse and all that and never have – sure I want love. I want that kind of love, we all want it, let’s be honest, we all want that kind of love that grows that becomes the foundation for everything in ourselves, in our lives, grows and through all the ugliness that abounds around us, is something so much greater than us.

Yet AB and I are at the huge ugly impasse that happens when this happens. When you yell stop, stop the carousel, stop whatever this is, I want off, I really want off, no turning back, get me the hell out of here. AB hopped off, granted I don’t think we can say for sure he was ever genuinely on now, and so now I’ve stumbled off, asked for silence, and tried to walk away. I missed AB too much; I will confess I didn’t even last a week. I know that given how I still feel about BI in some respects, AB has been given a hallowed spot in my heart for better or worse. Sure it will likely be overshadowed someday, maybe or maybe not. And now all I really want to do is throw rocks at Bella and her refusal of Jake, but let’s be honest I’ve been playing every freaking role in those forsaken books: perpetually depressed Bella, lovingly persistent Jake, and tortured Edward who walked away thinking it would all be for better. Now of course the book all comes together – Edward and Bella live happily ever after and Jake gets his soul mate. And me, I get a smack upside the head for referencing a teenage book to my life, and silence. The reality is AB is likely going to do as BI did and walk away quickly, find someone soon and I will out of respect, honor the silence, their relationship and the paths we all have been given/choose. I am trying to make peace with that, that life won’t be like it was, peace with the awareness you don’t get to say what was said, do what was done, regardless of how you feel about it, and think you get to throw the lid back on Pandora’s relationship box. Hearts, lives, all of it gets ugly, and it just becomes a mess beyond time’s repair. In time AB’s heart will heal in regards to her and in time so will mine in regards to AB, but that does not mean that time will heal the friendship, regardless of what I may wish. In the end maybe it all is a beautiful disaster. Or maybe somewhere in the hope left in all this, things come together and fall apart in other ways.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/23065375@N05/2234743247/

Full of Surprises

AB apparently didn't see the last one coming, how he knows and you know that he knows chalk that up to the title too...

Being a possible Gemini or not, I am and always will be full of polar opposites - how I love me. So maybe the use of the cards surprised you - let's just say I don't consider it worth money to have someone tell me what I may want to hear... but then again I'm also the person who wants to skydive at some point in my life if someone is willing to push me... despite not wanting to dance EVER again in public, I would take a ballet class in a heart beat as long as I get to wear pink. Other random things - AB's theme song was one of the songs I picked to walk down the aisle to - the instrumental of the live version, I know depressing song... but well whatever - got three years to plan that, or something like that. Or maybe that despite how depressing that dream was in that it reminded me that the string would never connect the hearts, I was oddly okay with the end. Who knows life is funny and I know I'm always swinging between the binaries of my personality... a June Cleaver wanna be with a thing for animal print Louboutin's and downward dog...

Hmmm....

AR is in the middle of packing up to return to the land of the koalas and TimTams and all sorts of lovely things I'm sure. So while she was packing last night I decided to regale her with the odd dream I'd had before. Now I will say I do sometimes remember my dreams - but some stick out and are clearer than others - this one ranks up there with maybe 2 or 3 that I still remember to this day - those are for another blog.

This dream involved me having a uterus occupant, and yes while we've been joking that my morning nausea (still happening) is the result of an immaculate conception - this was not the case in the dream. No I know who the father was - how that came to be - well I know how that works - but that wasn't part of the dream - anyways moving on... I remember everything from trying to hide it in my winter work clothes which is almost entirely pencil skirts - not forgiving, to telling my parental unit - same reaction I got when he found out about something else permanent in my life... to being questioned by a patient - the whole thing was like this out of body experience. And the crazy thing about it was the father, who like I need to label, had the same response as I imagine he might - supportive - but not. I'm an old fashioned girl - despite the dream's situation, and I guess I'm one of those you make it legal type people - or my dream persona was - I'm a little more practical than that - anyways she/I wasn't going to get that wish... needless to say I woke up with a familiar feeling these days - sadness, inexplicable in many respects...

So, weird dream, no big deal on the oddness radar, maybe just a sign that I should lay off the chocolate soy milk before bed or something like that. But no, it doesn't stop there - AR was packing up her cards and suggested we do a reading - it was free why not. So first up on the table AB. Well needless to say the cards say confusion and pregnancy. Interesting. It came up more than once... Let's just say it made us laugh that nervous laughter... Given that AR and I have already had this on going discussion about signs and all that, she knows more than I'm going to throw on up here... Regardless in the effort of equality we threw AL on the table after, let's just say it was a whole hell of a lot of ugly, like he got the same reading I would think CEF would have gotten, it was not good, never mind in some cases he got the opposite to AB - like the reverse fool in the place of 7. Now I take this with as much weight as licking your finger and sticking it outside to determine the weather... but heck some days that works - like the entire winter here. So in one last ditch effort we threw DB out there - he got just about every female power card, and a be patient was the answer - patience? I've been patient since the dawn of time for this case and while yes stranger things have happened - like how AB and I came to know each other - but ya, not holding my breath...

So there you have it, with a large grain of salt and a hell of a lot of weird...and also a new theme song for AB - per AR's request it is now as follows - I think it's better:

The Things You Think...

And do when you have far too much time on your hands. For one the house is clean, and I'm at the point where I am trying to pace the cleaning frenzy, I did all my ironing last night, sorted all the recycling, swept etc. Or maybe you decide to write down almost all the text messages you still have left on your phone per AB's suggestion that he would love to see a script of our conversations one day. I decided to write down them randomly on one of my sketch pads in pen and in the gaps I've begun to write down everything I wish I could say to AB in pencil - the non permanence of a one sided conversation - too bad I didn't have more conversations to intersperse mine in between - I think I'll start the process over and space them out more... In the end it helps - it prevents me from wanting to just delete AB from my phone.

Hopefully this sort of creativity will channel itself back into running - the mornings have been absolutely gorgeous but considering I'm still mixing my medications in an attempt to show up to work in the morning non-hormonal and not sniffling, I think that will have to wait...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/32445100@N03/3849808335/

Wanted: A Good Home for My Blackberry

I am aware that I might just have to give my phone away to a babysitter for the time being. See the issue is I am sick, I'm feeling crummy and all I want is someone to take my mind off it, someone to make me laugh, someone to take care of me. Yes I know I'm a woman, and someday I will be a mother so I should have my self preservation in full working order, but I don't, not at this fine moment. In exchange for answering my work emails, scheduling my staff's sick days and fielding calls from my parental unit, I offer you whatever baked good you desire one new item for each 5 days of work - that works out to 4 baked items if we are aiming for the current deadline - works no? I know this all will pass, I will weaken the bonds that should not or should have been formed - I don't know. AB will get his space and I will eventually be granted some perspective and hopefully stop hoping that he'll just a come riding in on his white horse, oops, sorry that's Prince Charming...

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/jazrulfuad/3690605016/in/set-72157611100545717/

It's Amazing What You Can Get Done...

When you're trying to stay away from your Blackberry for your own future's preservation. I doubt AB has found that this has been a difficult twenty four hours, but I have. No good night text, no good morning text, no I'm travelling and safe text, no I'm having dinner with Ms. J and AR for her going away/birthday celebration. Yet I know it's a good thing - I have accomplished all my laundry, my cleaning, my baking - one batch of muffins and a cake, and another batch of muffins tomorrow. I also have two batches of soup due for tomorrow to be frozen, meals planned for the next two weeks and another long run with V after my long run with Ms. J today.

The funny thing despite the difficulty I mentioned to AR and Ms. J today that I'm considering extending the time frame until his book is completed. I know that is a cruel idea to put that kind of deadline on an artist, but I'm also conscious that maybe that is the best idea given I've been vocal that I support his work... so we'll see. One step at a time, or as X says - fake it until you make it - so I fake that this is a grand ole time for me until I feel that way.... and in the interim I spend my time listening to Kelly Clarkson and reminding myself that I don't hook up, I'm worth it, and all that other jazz she sings about... it's like having Ms. J permanently in my brain.

One more thing, let's add one more lady to the group - LMDTB - Little Miss Doctor to Be.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/katiekirk/3421810666/

So It's Been Quite the Morning

I got my nose scoped - and to borrow AB's comment - Listerine would have been my preference too, but well it wasn't and it wasn't like that either - but my nose hurts now. My heart though, is numbish - like I wish my nose still was... but I guess I don't get what I wish for, or get the reason behind my facial challenge.

In other news more related to the blogging - I have decided to separate myself from AB for about a month - post first run to try and let space and time reform the friendship and remind myself that I can't kiss AB or let him kiss me, because the last time I checked my definition of friends didn't leave room for that kind of activity, especially when AB has his heart and head in one place and his hormones elsewhere. That dynamic as I said to V last night puts me in a place where if he pushes one more button emotionally and he will see the part of my personality few know - I may be an intensely loyal, a bruise easily type of person and that I'm fine with, but I have this part of me that can be unwilling to forgive you if you cross a line, I have a tendency to write you out of my life - I don't want to do that to AB. So I will be spending my monthish running, cleaning and getting used to a new person in my life. I also plan on seeing a new member to the discussion (see the list) for coffee - per AB's suggestion, attending one of OM's torturous parties, and basically making sure I keep my hands off my cell phone - I know I'll be better for it - hopefully AB will be too - I know his phone will be a lot quieter.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/fizzybenilyn/429476399/

Trying to Figure Out How

To shut it down, to close it off, stop the bleeding, stop the hurt, stop the hope, stop the something knowing that it isn't about me, though the hurt is because of me. BI is right (his comment is lower in the blog posts), the pain now is my choice, it's been my choice to let AB kiss me/kiss AB, it has been my choice to let his words say one thing and his actions say another. It's also my choice to write this blog in my office when it should really been done somewhere else - somewhere I don't have to remain composed.

Bottom line, I think it doesn't need to be said, just like it doesn't need to be said that I love Manolo's, like that BI's right, if AB's not ready now he's never going to be ready and I'm only going to bleed myself out waiting for him, and in the end I become a shell and he moves on. With BI it was easier, I put my head down and moved on, shut down the lines of communication, and waited for the storm to blow over. This has become so much more entangled and despite the similarities, so different emotionally. I have to come to accept the truths I can hold to, and not the feelings, the hopes, the anything else other than that one decision made two weeks ago now. One that for some reason I keep thinking I can ignore...

A beautiful video, that seems to sum up things in part

I might just have found AB's theme song

Theme songs are a common thing around here, music can often sum up things better than any words I could string together - CEF and OM had one, BV didn't validate one, but I stumbled across this one in anticipation of a concert last tonight and I feel like maybe it needs to be shared...

Slow down sister cause I just can’t love ya
But I just can’t get you off my mind

I ain’t your fool, I’m not falling
I’m not falling in love with you
I play by my rules
And believe me
You don’t want me too close to you

And even though you look so fine
I’ve been on this broken road one too many times

So slow down sister cause I just can’t love ya
But I just can’t get you off my mind
Oh and Lord knows I need ya
But I just don’t want to
Put this rusted heart upon the line

I’ve heard people say
That I’m crazy
That I’m crazy for avoiding you
But honey I got my freedom
And my reasons
All the reasons for what I do

But that last kiss just did me in
And I don’t wanna look at you as something
More than a friend

Oh slow down sister
I’ve got to make you mine
Oh all I’m asking for is just a little time
A little more time

The Fear

It comes on like a fog, slowly creeping and before you are aware, it's upon you. As I was coaxing V over a local bridge with a narrow, slightly questionable walkway shared with bikes, I though about how often we absorb ourselves in everything else to avoid the fear. The traffic, the oncoming bikes, encouraging V, the beautiful sunset, the click clunk of the cars over the metal parts of the bridge... ignoring that this bridge is considerably higher and more heavy trafficked than the other one... wonder how that works. Are we suppose to in the moments stop, not just stop practically like to take a breather, let a runaway biker pass before you get impaled by a handlebar... but like a moment to peer over the edge, to remember what you are afraid of and why.

I know this sounds vague, maybe because I've been mulling over things, over questions in my mind, and the repetition from the ladies of S&P that the time maybe has come for me to make a decision for AB that I don't want to make, but may need to make to stop the round and round, the questions, the doubts, the fears and give him the freedom he claims/knows he wants but can't seem to hold to. I don't know. I guess that's where we are at, I can be patient, I can be a lot of things, but my heart however, it feels like it could get swallowed into the gray fog with little in the way of hope for clearing.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/dragonspeed/3234335631/in/photostream/

In honor of a moment...

I think most girls, young women and older ladies alike remember that moment, the moment Baby says what all of us at one moment in our lives want to be compelled to say, the words "I'm scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life,the way I feel when I'm with you." I think for many of us it's the go to movie in those moments of wondering if it all does come together at one point, if someone will literally and figuratively sweep us off our feet, if we can be changed by someone into someone with courage despite the messes and if somewhere along the way we can find that someone that just doesn't realize how incredible they are.

AR and I had a brief discussion this morning about the song, Time of My Life and how unique it is to be continually linked to a life - maybe that's all of our dreams, in the end to know in the final dance, that we are with that someone, and it truly has been the time of your life, no regrets despite the love and pain and everything that may or may not have happened.

To all the future generations of girls who will feel those butterflies, that rush in that moment of Baby's declaration and from all those who have, it is worth it. So curl with with Patrick this weekend - speaking of which I think we'll be doing that for AR given she's going back next week, and we've also missed her 21st birthday too... bad roomie.

Because I know CC Hates it

Still Nauseous

I am not sure what to make of my continued nausea, I'm not complaining in a general sense, if I can live of a latte for the day that would be cheap, but given that it doesn't provide the nutritional basics for a 6 mile run, I think I'll need to shove some food into myself and hope for the best. And now before I get some kind of comment about morning prevalent nausea and so on and so forth, let's just say no to that now shall we, there is apparently enough discourse about me currently.

Speaking of discourse, AB was texted last night, by someone who wasn't there on Saturday night, inquiring about the girl in the blue dress, now I have to say blue dresses are getting some kind of notoriety in society, that I want no part of, but I figured that the dress wouldn't go unnoticed, like a walking blueberry or something like that, with as one of the guest felt inclined to tell me a provocative neck line, apparently, good to know even when very impaired that part of the male brain works just fine. In the end it wasn't the blue dress though, it was less than discrete moments, that I know I'm due to for a lecture from Ms. J for - though I think that I chose to wear the dress will likely be the primary chastisement. Anyways I'm digressing... what I was pondering on my longish train ride to work, feeling gross from my no hot shower morning, is how is it that now in my life I find myself on the fringes of gossip for lack of a better word and what do I need to do to get it out of my head my creeping frustration that I've somehow become that kind of girl, the kind that is shrugged off, the tart, now don't get me wrong, I'm not thinking that there should be this declaration of something there isn't or something like that, just anyways fumbling over that.

More importantly so, how is it that I am here. Here being here... here being not waiting but somehow still hoping for someone to deal with their fears. I thought I would be the one with the fears and the worries, and yet maybe AB is too understanding, too safe, too something because I don't have fear, maybe I should, maybe I should fear it but I don't. He does. He has his reasons, fair enough, somewhere in my idealism, I wonder if that, the fears he has, are reason enough for me to leave this all where it is, regardless of everything, that maybe those fears will never truly disappear, maybe they'll serve as some kind of escape clause. I don't know, I can't help but cloud everything in a shade of Saturday, a memory that I find myself unsure of what to do with it.

I couldn't find the Ryan Montbleau songs that I really love, but hell this works for now, to be honest can't really stomach searching for it.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/sashala/391779167/

This post is sponsored by whatever it is I drank last night...

I wasn't much of a drinker earlier in my adult life, and we've learned from recent experiences that tequila normally gives me brutal heartburn, and well martini's are normally my best friend, and maybe last night proved that. I found myself awake for most of the morning - given that it was morning when I went to bed finally, let's just say I didn't get much sleep today. I found myself gastrointestinally challenged to likely the greatest extent I've known in my life. I couldn't stomach my WF Sunday morning breakfast, and spent the majority of it trying not to see what it would look like if I had to see it again. Now I would like to think that all this is alcohol based however, I am not that daft, it is quite the opposite.

Things are complicated, I know the answer, I know the end - maybe that's why things are as things are in this moment, I know that there is no solution for this that will satisfy both parties. I think we both know that, yet we chose to make another path, let's just hope we can both find our ways out of this.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ecstaticist/3325425368/

I find myself...

Talking to my radio in the morning - I listen to junky pop music in the morning, because anything soothing may result in a morning similar to this morning - rolling over and taking in another hour of bliss in the light of the fall morning sun. That sentence could be improved too by adding, rolling over and taking in another hour of bliss in the light of the fall morning sun with ____ (fill it in however you wish - a cat, a specific person, a cup of coffee - any of those would have been welcome) but anyways... I digress. I was in the middle of trying to decide if I wanted to wear a skirt, considering I could, or if it would be too chilly to do so... when Taylor Swift came on with this lovely song, and I found myself chastising her. I know Taylor didn't deserve it, but hell that's how it came out, and maybe I was right, maybe she was right, maybe in the end does matter anymore than my decision to wash my towels first instead of last.

PS In case you wanted to know - I dance similar to Taylor - which is why you will NEVER see me do it in public... I could never pull off the adorable dork part essential for making it tolerable

If Only I Could...

Write the next chapters of my life. Sure it could be argued that we all do, that we all through our actions put pen to paper in the script of our life. I am not talking about the formulation of a story in the moment, but rather the expansion of a story beyond the here and now, the scripting for the lead male role in a form/flavor other than the current, Reluctant Prince Charming. I started to read Jane Eyre again for likely the dozenth time, in part because I love the book - even though I do know the ending - it is the beauty throughout that captures me. The fight for two people broken, individually held together by their own self will, their hearts consumed with the lies they've absorbed, and yet desperate to believe there is something out there for them. Jane is torn by Mr. Rochester's secret and yet comes back and redeems him through her forgiveness and grace. I won't say that my life will ever imitate art or any version of it, or what I even wish it would. But I guess there is hope in the knowing that the lies we accept will one day shed and we can come to realize that what we never thought was possible, or what we were never worthy of will appear in our life if we follow our convictions and our journey, regardless of the trials.

Funny enough speaking of journeys AB and I never really discussed what we see for our futures and so on and so forth, and to be honest given that a year ago I was being watched 24hrs a day for my own health, it hasn't really been on the forefront of my mental agenda until recently. HSBBF was the first person I think I formally articulated my vision to, so drum roll, here it goes. I want to teach yoga to teenagers. Now I know you were expecting that I would try and better the world through teaching the importance of starching your linen napkins and so on, but no really. Yoga as a vehicle for self acceptance, patience, calm and reduced anxiety in the mess of our culture. As for the whole "list" and all that - I posted a long time ago my list of deal breakers as for other issues, basically looking for someone who has some kind of artistic pursuit, whether it be music, drawing, writing - something that they are passionate about in that way...

Regardless I need to get back to what I'm not passionate about at the moment...

What a Lot of Cosmos can do for you

I will say that this is my attempt at impaired blogging, though I am sure it is not the last time. The girls have decided that men need to come with labels like clothes:

Such labels as:

Not colour fast, may bleed

Shrinkage may occur or has occurred...

Warning entanglements may occur, care for separately

Put through the ringer

Tumble until dry

Gentle cycle only, handle with care

Dry clean only - leave to the professionals

Waterproof - don't wash

Do not store under pressure

We are open to other discussions and suggestions

Wrestling

Let's just say the whole pain in the side business has found it's permanent place in my blessed mouth, and no amount of wishing seems to get it gone. So again I'm learning you don't get what you wish, pray, hope and beg for, awesome no Louboutins for me in this lifetime I guess. But you do get more surprising brain activity than you could ever expect. I've been thinking, a disastrous idea, thankfully I've been sober, or not thankfully, on that thought, could someone pass me a Cosmo?

I've been trying to figure out the future, yes because I know that is firmly within my ability to do so. I've been trying to figure out how to find the balance where I've never seen the necessity to do so before. With BI, I stepped away, and he quickly moved on, and who knows maybe AB will do the same, maybe some day next week, the week after, the month after or so on and so forth he'll run head long into someone who makes all the questions and hurts and uncertainties seem not all that big, someone who makes it worth more than the risks. I know that it isn't in any way sane for me to try and be that person in the hopes that things will change, because that would mean I've denied all the months of beautifully painful self discovery and so on and so forth and yadda yadda. So then how exactly does it work? We remain friends who support each other, spend time with each other within reason and yet in everything find a way to make sure that either individual is available to the dating public, when the kind of scary thing is I'm totally up for a break from all this insanity and AB is apparently not looking... I'll leave that hanging there.

On another note BB (Barista Boy) has thankfully been sated, and I don't have to worry about dealing with all that right now. To be honest, I've found myself groaning as I mumble, they're not AB, for the love of Pete, they aren't AB, and what the hell has happened to me. Goodness maybe I'm up for those drinks Ms. J after I spend a day visiting my favorite uncle... or maybe before so I can help the freezing that I am completely immune to...

All The Stages in this Moment in Time

I sat down to write this blog with food in my stomach for the first time in a while and have rewritten it twice since then, so here goes the third time. There is so much that just frustrates me right now and maybe that's where it will stay, in my brain, not out here, not anywhere at the moment. I just have to do what I know I need to do - need to complete - and beyond that there are questions, there are answers to other questions, hopes and prayers and in the end still somewhere in all this a peace that surrounds me, it's the grabbing hold of that peace that seems to slip from my fingers, fingers that feel so damn empty these days.

Let's Review The Past Posts Now Shall We?

I've had some amazing talks, 8 miles of purging, support and yes a healthy dose of grace and compassion too. I have also received laughter, and the reminder that it's okay to cry, while I maintain an almost self destructive propencity towards self preservation, that it isn't necessary, except within the walls of my office, there I have to find something else other than either of those options.

But since I've got bigger pains right now to cover the deeper slower healing ones, I am going to leave y'all with these older words of wisdom for all of you out there AB included:

http://singleandpicky.blogspot.com/2009/07/where-are-fireworks.html - there is a moment of clarity in there that shocked me looking back at it, who knows how insightful it will be towards moments beyond this.

http://singleandpicky.blogspot.com/2009/07/thanks-gib.html

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/nattyk/2473073706/

To Add Insult to Injury

I have a major toothache, it's a holiday and I can't do anything about either - I'm poor, and well the holiday part means I have to find a way to dull the other pain in my body, both seem to be wholly unresponsive to anything, both leave me feeling exhausted and yet both also leave me tossing and turning in the night and of course all I want to do is crawl into AB arms and cry, about everything.

Tossing and turning about the last time and only time (note I know that never works despite wishing it would) I did the whole trying to convince someone that I really was right for them and the funny thing about that. See I knew Mr. I Play A Guitar was wrong all along, I mean what guy decides to walk away from the girl he likes to date a woman he thinks is better for him but he has no feelings for, in the end he broke her heart, came back a year later, and well let's just say he ended up going back to her a few times before randomly marrying someone else... messy... AB is by no means Mr. IPAG, and yet I feel like some how I have to say all those same sorts of things I felt like saying to Mr. IPAG. AB stated that one of the reasons that he said "there are certain things I could see arising that may not mesh easily through"

Things like: I know AB expects that there is a certain activity as part of the relationship. I get that, I understand that, and I guess what I have been trying to tell AB somewhere in all this, is even if that was on the table, it would be messy, that's the reason why it's not, not at this stage, I need to trust that the person I walk through that with isn't going to walk away in the struggle, pain and all the other unknowns. Funny thing is I genuinely thought AB was possibly that person - and I know that's not a fair statement.

As I stare at that text message a day later, I can see it clearer, the separation that despite everything, all said and shared, I need to compel myself to get up, dust myself off and know that despite everything, despite every belief, emotion and wish - even on that star that night, I am not what AB wants and I can't go on wishing that that wasn't the case. The other truth is, somewhere in all this, I guess that's okay, I know it doesn't reflect on who either of us is, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt like hell.

How Do I Say This?

Blogging is bad for my health, and texting is even worse. I came to the realization as I typed this blog out once already, that despite everything I promised myself I would never do, I did what BI tried so hard to convince me to do, to jump. All along I have thought that somewhere in everything I had held on to that ledge, that I had guarded my heart, somewhere, in some moment I despite what I could sense, jumped anyways. With no one to catch you, no parachute, no safety net, nothing, the ground is hard, it's brutal and it's a reminder that despite what was said last night, and not denied, that no amount of waiting is ever going to inspire AB to jump.

Maybe even sadder I can't stomach Aapa and Momo - it's too much oddly enough, some day I might come back to them, honestly for some reason I can't see that happening.

Note to Self Don't Listen to This Song:

While I understand that this song doesn't capture the situation, it does in many respects, and I was fine until this song came on, and well let's just say I think there is a reason why women go into hibernation in these times, and spend minutes, hours, days or lifetimes wishing that one person would just show up on our doorstep in the rain of a fall afternoon and change everything.

I don't want to but I do....

Sometimes life does not grant you what you want or what you need, but rather it grants you an opportunity to rather just extend the kind of grace you sought at one time and couldn’t find.
I could see AB’s answer in his eyes last night, I saw it in him, I had been feeling the answer radiating from him for a while now, so while it came as no surprise, what did surprise me was my response. I found myself standing in my bathroom, hung over from the cold medicine, trying to figure out if one it was too early to drink – coffee people – nothing else, but more so why the shower I had had didn’t strip away the emotions that seemed to want to poke their way through my skin, emotions that I should be feeling, emotions that I didn’t want to feel. Why? Well damn it I’ve cried too much in the last year, ate too much cookie dough, ice cream, consumed more alcohol in the survival of bigger, deeper wounds, crying at that moment felt like crying over spilt milk, crying over spilt vodka I could justify, this just well was just a NLLL type moment. I assembled myself, trying to figure out why I couldn’t recognize myself, why some of these feelings felt so much like last year and not different. AB decided to move forward independently, to grow and find himself, find this idea that it seems men have about the necessity of being a stable/provider type. I find it crazy, but then again I’m a woman, we think all sorts of things are necessities in relationships that aren’t – like being toned, tanned and another t word before he sees you for who you are under all the spanks, Victoria’s Secret and all that.. .
I did cry. I have, since I can’t run, I can’t really do a whole lot other than blog and maybe find some kind of solace in Aapa and Momo. I wish I could find solace in AB, but I’ve decided that AB is needs real freedom from me and I from him, we move forward on our respective journeys, I get to spend my time learning to literally put one foot in front of another on this new journey that the year of survivalship has afforded me. Do I think AB will find me, do I think that AB and S&P will be at some point? I will say that I wish that was so, I wish for many things in regards to AB, small things like I wish he would have kissed me last night, a kiss for all that would never be, could have been and all that, but it didn’t happen. I think for AB the jump is a little too far down, and unknown to venture it, even if he was ready, no matter how much it seemed like he would have with his in hand in mine.

So I know that this song will likely make some of you question my musical preferences, let's just say sometimes it's more about what soothes the heart than your ears.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/78099783@N00/2350778044/

More Questions than Answers

The last few days have been hard or more so bittersweet - the way I think life should appear, be, in the blur of our daily life and or pains there are moments of beauty, peace, and acceptance, moments that maybe mean far greater to one person than they do another. Last night was like that. Now granted I'm writing this blog outside/past the events of last night, so they are coloured in the morning and or mourning hues of an indulgent cinnamon bun, coffee, pink roses, white candles and the sorrow of John Mayer's burning room.

I sat on the beach last night with AB, tucked in beside him watching grey hues become just darker shades of grey dotted by the light of the setting sun. In that moment, the pain of last year twinged deeply within, here I was, new S&P, a year ago I sat on a beach much like this one and had to for what felt like the millionth time expose a wound that had been festering for years, a wound that I found silenced more people than it encouraged to help me. I had now found arms I felt safe in, arms that accepted those wounds, though clean and on their way to recovery, they are still very real... I felt human. In a moment I felt human, I felt whole, I felt accepted, I felt like I could be that brave girl no matter what will come in this life, I am me, I am the S&P life gave life to many years ago. But that moment was just that moment. A moment of tactile emotion, in the sea of this past year. As we weaved our way back to AB's place hand in hand, his heart wasn't there, the heart I'd been trying to pin down, was even further way. AB it turns out, was lost in a moment vaguely similar to mine a year ago, and I stress vaguely. AB though he had professed affection/attraction was at a place in his life where I couldn't fit, and maybe truly he wasn't sure if I would fit at all. He couldn't understand why I would like him. Maybe because at it's root, it felt like there was a life source within AB, within how he saw and interacted with life that was fertile, there was good, there was peace, there was acceptance, there was so much I couldn't put my finger on. Regardless it was AB's choice to make, his path in life in which to find peace, the kind of I can look myself in the eye kind of peace and know who I am kind of peace. His answer though made it hard for me to do the same.

Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/plinton/236714905/ - check out the title of the photograph.

This is not how I remember the story

We've already diverted from boy meets girl, boy likes girl and boy does something about that... we somehow skipped right on over into some kind of Paperbag Princess meets Shrek meets some kind of ugly fairytale, I've yet to write but will, kind of adventure. Last night I got my all too happy to be transparent self backed into a conversation that I did not want to have, not really ever or even especially before there was any kind of relational definition. I have a dragon, it is no simple dragon, it closer to a hydra if we can continue to mix our stories. Hydragon or not, AB managed to in one hug cage something I thought could consume my future. Sure I've been through and will continue to get the kind of help no amount of shoe shopping can provide, though it is just as costly. I guess I felt in that moment whether he is only a friend or more, that AB proved my expectation of his gender wrong, that or he at least for that moment was able to appear sympathetic. This hydragon is by no means slayed, to be honest that might take years and I am not throwing that kind of future on AB, but ya there you go. Oh and I have got the plague or whatever AB might have had, thankfully I've got a long weekend to rest up...

Photo: http://poptropicatomato.blogspot.com/2009/03/slay-dragon.html

Feeling Lost in more ways than one...

Last night AB asked me over for our more or less weekly TV viewing together (Lost), which was fine in and of itself. The issue was I had a prior date with Ms. J to run myself into a legitimate runner, given that I rely on an irregular chauffeur I decided to suggest I change at AB's. So Ms. J and I logged my 7 miles as per necessary and chatted about H1N1 procedures, someone should seriously tape up for some kind of iPod show or something entitled "All the Things You Should Know but You're too Ignorant to Care" or something like that. At 8:30pm I found myself sweaty and in the unflattering lights of the train heading downtown, arriving at about 9, still sweaty-ish and really in need of a shower, which AB so graciously offered. I have to say showering in someones home is a odd thing, how long you're in there, the state of the bathroom etc, but in the end I didn't care. With wet hair and minimal makeup I took my standard spot next to AB on the couch, sandwiched between him and his roommate. Speaking of sandwich, did you know that running 7 miles on an empty stomach can make someone really hungry. AB whispered I was to tell him when I was hungry enough to make him whip something up - I was gifted with clam chowder (minus the milk), garlic toast (blessed mother I smelled something foul) and Caesar salad. It really is perfect, someone who can cook is better than a custom pair of Manolo's to this runner. After the garlic fest we continued watching Lost somewhere after the 3rd episode Roommate and Roommate's Boy left, and AB and I settled a little more comfortably on the couch, in the end cuddling despite his objection to the wet hair. Of course I could have just fallen asleep there propped under his arm, hand in hand. But alas my glass slipper once again started to turn at about 12 and I was off to visit my night chauffeur and the Ladies of Lucite that hang out by the bus stop...

I have to say it was annoying that AB doesn't seem too comfortable with me when Roommate is around, I'm not sure why, maybe it just complicates something that hasn't already been made complicated and then uncomplicated, this weekend will prove to be interesting in the direction of things.

Note: Watching Sawyer and Kate when you have an undefined relationship isn't really advisable, though it is a good way to hear your date's heart and breathing change... sorry AB, yogi's catch those things